What to do with a hateful stepdad?

[Eleazar]

Okay, this one's a little complicated.

My parents got divorced in about 1998, my mom remarried in 2001 and now I'm living with her, my stepdad, and my little (biological) sister.

And now enters the problem. With the divorce and all that (not a nice upbringing, but too much detail) I was hurt below surface level, and hid everything. Up until last year, when God started cleaning out my inner house.

Now I'm a far more complete person, and I'm actually - for once - in control of my emotions, logic, and other things; one of which is amazing sensitivity in the prophetic spirit.

And something I seem to be able to do is detect other people's emotions when they speak. I'm serious - and it's not just because of their voicetone, stance, face, etc - it's actually spiritual.

The other day, my family picked me up from the church I'm studying at, and on the way home I told them about my week. Which went well, until I told my stepdad about that Sunday's sermon, which was accountability.

Now, he tries to be a good person, but unfortunately he has it a little wrong. He mentioned that it's a good lesson, but you have to apply it, etc etc. Nothing wrong with the words. But I was sitting behind him in the car, and all I could see was the back of his head, and all of a sudden I just felt this incredible hatred flooding my soul.

I checked it quickly - and I'm sure it wasn't my fault. As far as my personal boundaries are concerned, I have no problem with him. I sought God about it, and eventually it became clear: I was feeling his emotions, not my own.

Empathy seems to be a strong point of the INFP type...

But my question is this: I've forgiven him for everything he's done to me, and we're on neutral ground. But that Sunday I saw a different, deeper side of him, and that would be the repressed anger and hatred. Hey - he was a lieutenant in the south african military, so there's no telling what he experienced.

Plus his father wasn't the kindest of dads. I'm willing to bet he's still walking around with a ton of emotional baggage, and I'm wondering if anyone has any bright ideas on how to release him from that?

Because despite the fact that he's not my biological family, I want to help him out. But I don't know how to go about it. I've helped friends before, but helping someone almost 30 years older than you, who was charged with raising you, is another story altogether.

~ Eleazar

 

[rizen1]

I think its awesome the way you feel for him. Continue praying for him, God has giving you discernment and will show you how to pray.

Just be a light, the Christ in you will touch him, and lead him into a wanting what you have.

I will keep you in pray.
God bless you.

 

[Eleazar]

Here's the other thing: He belonged to a very methodical church for over 30 years. According to their definitions, he's a strong Christian - dedicated, willing, always available, etc. And he's taken that definition upon himself, which means he doesn't admit to having weaknesses.

He doesn't even say "sorry", for crying out loud. He considers himself as being the ultimate authority on anything, and he's never wrong. It's just one of the fruits of pride, which I know is a very generic cover for personal pain.

So no matter how hard I try, he won't respond. It's like trying to break into a fortress the size and thickness of Mount Everest.

But yes, I will pray. It's just that sometimes, I wish I could take more direct action. Like talk to him about it.

~ Eleazar

 

[rizen1]

You could talk to him, ask God to give you words to speak. Allow the Holy Spirit to lead you in conversation, speak to him in love.

Before you talk to him ask God to soften his heart so he can recieve your message.

Take note of this
"Each heart knows its own bitterness" (Proverbs 14:10).

"Be quick to listen, slow to speak" (James 1:19).

"Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone" (1 Thessalonians 5:14).

"Be patient with each other, making allowance for each others faults because of your love" (Ephesians 4:2).


Dont be afraid to talk, God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of love, power and sound mind.

 

[Eleazar]

Thanks for the verses, rizen1. Maybe God will open a door soon. I'll have to see.

I suppose the best thing to do would be to pray. I know that God has a plan in store to heal him, and I sense that I'm not directly involved in that.

Maybe it's a good thing that I live out of the house 5 days of the week. And on a church, too... lol.

~ Eleazar

 

[rizen1]

God bless you brother.

We all need that compassion you have, God is going to use you because you make yourself available.

Continue in his word.
I will keep you in prayer.

 

[trulyblezzed]

Okay, this one's a little complicated.

My parents got divorced in about 1998, my mom remarried in 2001 and now I'm living with her, my stepdad, and my little (biological) sister.

And now enters the problem. With the divorce and all that (not a nice upbringing, but too much detail) I was hurt below surface level, and hid everything. Up until last year, when God started cleaning out my inner house.

Now I'm a far more complete person, and I'm actually - for once - in control of my emotions, logic, and other things; one of which is amazing sensitivity in the prophetic spirit.

And something I seem to be able to do is detect other people's emotions when they speak. I'm serious - and it's not just because of their voicetone, stance, face, etc - it's actually spiritual.

The other day, my family picked me up from the church I'm studying at, and on the way home I told them about my week. Which went well, until I told my stepdad about that Sunday's sermon, which was accountability.

Now, he tries to be a good person, but unfortunately he has it a little wrong. He mentioned that it's a good lesson, but you have to apply it, etc etc. Nothing wrong with the words. But I was sitting behind him in the car, and all I could see was the back of his head, and all of a sudden I just felt this incredible hatred flooding my soul.

I checked it quickly - and I'm sure it wasn't my fault. As far as my personal boundaries are concerned, I have no problem with him. I sought God about it, and eventually it became clear: I was feeling his emotions, not my own.

Empathy seems to be a strong point of the INFP type...

But my question is this: I've forgiven him for everything he's done to me, and we're on neutral ground. But that Sunday I saw a different, deeper side of him, and that would be the repressed anger and hatred. Hey - he was a lieutenant in the south african military, so there's no telling what he experienced.

Plus his father wasn't the kindest of dads. I'm willing to bet he's still walking around with a ton of emotional baggage, and I'm wondering if anyone has any bright ideas on how to release him from that?

Because despite the fact that he's not my biological family, I want to help him out. But I don't know how to go about it. I've helped friends before, but helping someone almost 30 years older than you, who was charged with raising you, is another story altogether.

~ Eleazar

Eleazar,

It's great that you brought up this question and we appreciate your openness.

Let me start off by saying I know how you feel. My parents were divorced when I was 3 and I lived with my mom after that. She always searched for something more and thought that a man could fill that void. After 5 unsucessful marriages, she now still feels lonely. The last guy she married was an alcoholic and he hit her when he was drunk. There were a few times that he got mad at me and wouldn't talk to me for WEEKS! It was so uncomfortable living with him sometimes because we would see either in the kitchen and I would ask him something, and he would completely ignore me. Luckily, that marriage only last about 3 years.

Then, my mom married her current husband. He USED to be Christian, until he turned his back on God. He's also an alcoholic, but he's one of those "I don't care what happens" type of people. Numerous times I've tried talking to him about getting back on God's path and he plays along, like he's actually interested, but never actually follows through.

Now when it comes to your situation, 99% chance that you are right about him having a lot of hatred and hurt inside of him being that he's been through some rough things. Don't worry- I know exactly what you are talking about when you saying you feel people's feelings. It's called discernment and God has blessed me with that gift too

If I were in your position, I would try to get someone from my church to talk with him. Your absolutely right when you say it's different talking to your stepdad than it is a friend, but that doesn't mean that it can't be done. I myself have consolidated people 3 times my age- old enough to be my grandmother! However, God uses us in ways we never would imagine!

The most important thing is that you remain a good representative of Jesus. You may be the only God that some people see and what I mean by that is this: some people may never meet Jesus unless you show His light through you. It may be hard at times, but hold your tongue and turn the other cheek. ALWAYS be positive and never say anything negative about working for God or the church because then others will have the same mentality. ALWAYS show the love of God to others, this is what He commanded us to do. The bible says "above all else, love one another".

Put on the oil and let the problems roll off of you. Guard your heart and have faith things will get better. Problems are temporary, blessings are forever.

I hope I helped a little.
God Bless

 

[Eleazar]

He's a member of a different church, which makes things a little more tricky. Grr..

What Hatfield does offer is a counseling group called the "Hope Centre", and it was one of the options I considered. I just don't know how to put it:

"Hey dad, I figured you needed the help, here's a number."

Lol.

Thanks for the help, trulyblezzed - you have helped. But there is a very good chance that I'll be stepping way out of my river if I try and divert his. Maybe I should just pray and keep my distance. And hope that he comes to a place of reconciliation.

~ Eleazar

 

[rizen1]

"Hey dad, I figured you needed the help, here's a number."

I could see his face now, he'll be like " WHAT ".

Dont worry brother, God knows which way is best and he will reveal it to you. Just keep the faith.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding

In all you ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path.
proverbs 3:5-6

 

[Eleazar]

Pretty much, yes.

Keep the faith? Will do

~ Eleazar