Thank You All!
First of all I'd like to just say Praise the Father! I have acted and received the guidance I was looking for... at least for now. I am still journeying through this trial, but I am on a new path, and I'm hoping this will be the path out. However, I must say I am so joyful because I am learning so many new and wonderful things. Nothing like a good struggle to help you grow!
For three days I struggled with making this decision. Fervently in prayer and continually in His presence I was desperately seeking His voice. I had never felt so alone in this journey, I had never felt so far from the Father. I was truly broken. But something was happening over that 3 day period that was not visible to me then, but is visible to me now looking back. The Lord was able to break my will, and brought me to the place of total surrender... unfamiliar territory, but truly peaceful.
I realized that for the past 6 months I had been fervently praying for what I want, but never really stopping to
listen to what God wants. It is true that we are to pray fervently, constantly, boldly and about everything. The Bible teaches that we have not because we ask not, and trains us to come to God with every request and petition, asking for all our wants and all our needs. It is not wrong what I was doing, it was just one sided. I was focusing so much on what I wanted I was ignoring what God wanted-- total surrender. The desire I had in my heart was so strong and so beautiful, I wanted it more that anything and I let God know that. It was all I thought about, all I focused on, all I dreamed of and planned for. It was becoming an obsession, an idol. It wasn't wrong to want it, or pray for it, but I realized it was taking the place of the more important things in my life, like my relationship with the Lord.
I realized that there was no time limit on this desire, there was no need to have it immediately, and in fact, continuing through this trial a bit longer might do me some good. I also realized that the answer I was truly looking for was a knowledge of the future; I wanted to know what was going to happen then so I could know what to choose now. But, the secret things belong to the Lord, and no amount of prayer can help me predict the future. I want to be out of this wilderness, but perhaps it is not yet the time; and so instead of whining and crying and throwing a hissy fit, demanding (in prayer) that God get me out, I have decided that I ought instead forget what I want, and take this time to ask what He wants, and listen. I have since completely surrendered this desire to Him, and am waiting to see what the future holds. Perhaps He will bless my request, perhaps not. Perhaps He has a different gift to bless me with, so my old desire needs to be revised to a new one. God may put a new desire in my heart, which He IS ready to fulfill. I just know that whatever happens will be the best. So, I am moving on in a new spiritual path, but still waiting in this worldly path taking it day by day. I truly believe God will lead me to the right place without my hasty and unnecessary actions. I can't know what the future will hold, I simply have to pray, wait, and see.
Through my 3 day struggle the Lord was able to reshape my will. It is no longer about what I want, but about what He wants. During that time, He opened my eyes to Christ's prayer in Gethsemane. The Bible records Christ praying 3 different times, and reading through Matthew, you can see the reshaping of Christ's will during these prayers. At first, exceedingly sorrowful, He prays, "Oh My Father,
if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me, nevertheless, not as I will. but as You will". Then He prays the 2nd and 3rd time asking this, "O My Father,
if this cup cannot pass away from me unless I drink it, Your will be done." At first we see He is praying for what He wants, He is making a request of God and lifting up His desire. But by the second and third time He has come to accept the Father's will, and focuses on that being done instead. The Lord reshaped Christ's will so that it aligned with His. If we continue in prayer and communication with God, He can and will reshape our will and our desires to align with His. But we must be willing and ready to listen and act. I am currently praying for a reshaping of my will and desires, and though I realize it may not be easy, I am willing and ready for the Lord to lead me through this.
My Prayer:
Please erase my unfulfilled longing, Father, and replace this sorrow with a new hope, a new song, a new desire. Change the focus of my heart, and help me adjust my thoughts, so that I keep my eyes on You, instead of my own feelings. Perhaps my new desire could be something I could do for You. I ask for a new one, to replace the old. I don't want to care about the old one any more. I am weary with my sorrow and wish for a taste of Your pure joy. Father, with absolute faith, from the center of my heart, I surrender this longing to you. (
Change My Desire, Lord)
God Bless you and thank you all!
