Why?

[twcstp111]

I've been suicidal lately.

What else am I to say? What more is there for me to say?

Fear has controlled my life for more than a decade; almost every pursuit in this past decade has been a pursuit in pursuit of a better remedy. I have tried more than two dozen psychiatric medications. I would work and spend my money on healthful foods and supplements. Having been treated by doctors for behavioral issues, sleep issues, and cognitive issues from a young age, at this point I am looking back and I see that there's nothing in my life at all. Even my best efforts have failed me, every time. For some reason, I can't seem to keep the Conn of my own ship! I sleep on a couch. I've been taking medications for 23 years now. I'm 29. I don't even remember growing up--names of teachers or students, even spending time with my own brothers--I don't remember; so much time that I lived through isn't even encoded.

I have never been stable or grounded, and I cannot seem to produce a lasting solution.


I don't understand why. I don't understand this. I don't know why I always have to fight so hard so that I can lie down and say 'I didn't die today.'

Yeah.

Anyways.

 

[twcstp111]

Sorry.

I've had a really terrible year, this year, and last year, these past two years have gone so terribly wrong. I started reading the scriptures late last year and all throughout this year, and to be completely honest the content has given me deep wounds--I have woke up so many times this year feeling so completely crushed, and I even had a whole month where I would wake up and immediately begin sweating from dread and a sense of crushing despair. I felt like I was in hell.

Right now, I honestly do not know how to cope.

 

[Br. Bear]

Greetings,

I honestly do not know how to cope.

may i let you in on a little of my own thoughts? I often can think the same way.... but because of the great love that the Lord has shown me, over and over, I am not crushed by these thoughts but rather, am reminded that while being honest, and i personally on my own find life very depressing at nearly every turn, it is the power of the risen Lord Who is my coper.... as in, it is He Who sustains me and leads me on and in doing so reminds me to look to those things worthy of looking at and to meditate on such, which all centers upon Him and His goodness and faithfulness, not only towards me, a worthless wretch of an excuse of a human being, but also that He knows not only of those things that effect me so much, but all of everyone else's and all that we have absolutely no idea about.

In other words, my first and most urgent advice to you is to seek the Lord and i have to ask if you have ever been baptised and renewed by the Holy Ghost in the name of Jesus?
This is vital as life itself, in fact, without Him as the living Lord of our life, through conversion, translation and regeneration, we remain in death of sin and trespass, in darkness and lost.

Many can read the Bible but that does not immediately and unquestionably make them to be adopted into His ressurection life as sons and daughters, having His Spirit, the Spirit of His Son in our hearts.

From what you write, you have certainly had a rough ride, thus far, but do you want to look back at that continuously or do you want to start looking with hope to the appearing of our great God and Saviour, with joy and praise?
Many deceptions have been served to you but God is well able and willing to heal you and deliver you from what has been, and to do His perfect work in you by grace, through faith in His Son.

Praying that you will know His peace in believing and that you walk in the victory that He has purchased for you by His blood, shed for you and all who will come to Him.


Bless you ....><>

 

[PloughBoy]

Trust Him to keep you and tell Him, "Lord if you do not keep me I can't keep myself"! for I cannot do it! You are being attack in a strong way, because the devil knows you are a threat! Keep your mind completely on JESUS" like if you were placing your mind upon a "pin point"! When it drifts away bring your mind back!

 

[Hekuran]

@twcstp111 I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling so hard for so long.

Be kind to yourself. If today has been a battle for you just to keep going and to resist the temptation to harm yourself, then give yourself credit that you've won that battle.

Hold on to the long hope that God is at work in the world and is bringing all creation, including you and me, to a glorious future. See the final visions of the last two chapters of Revelation. In Jesus, God has triumphed over evil.

I'm praying for you. May you know God's love.

 

[Br. Bear]

Greetings again,

may i share a passage from the Bible with you @twcstp111 ?

from the Gospel of John chapter 10

1Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber. 2But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. 3To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out.

4And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice. 5And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers.

6This parable spake Jesus unto them: but they understood not what things they were which he spake unto them.

7Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep. 8All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them. 9I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. 10The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

11I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep. 12But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep. 13The hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep. 14I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.

15As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd.

17Therefore doth my Father love me, because I lay down my life, that I might take it again. 18No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father.

27My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: 28And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.

29My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand. 30I and my Father are one.



May reading this, you find comfort,


Bless you ....>>

 

[twcstp111]

Friends,

I know that I said I've been suicidal lately. I have. What I should have said as well, which I did not speak yesterday, is that I would never commit the act of suicide.


I have been suffering a great deal and for a long time, and that suffering has gotten worse than it ever was before. I have been seeking out solutions and answers, and distinguishing the ways that are good, and I have also been tearing down so much in my own soul that I have nearly left myself dry. I always want to do what is good and right, but truth be told here: I rarely feel good, and what I do often feel is heavy and weary. As much as I know the truth, I also know that my mind and my body have not been together, but separate and fighting constantly. It is very hard for me to cope right now.


Thanks,

and I do apologize for showing you all what you have not seen of me here; I am not changing guises or using masks, but I often do not share my own suffering--it has been constant for me, and truth be spoken, I want victory over this. I need this win.

 

[PloughBoy]

Friends,

I know that I said I've been suicidal lately. I have. What I should have said as well, which I did not speak yesterday, is that I would never commit the act of suicide.


I have been suffering a great deal and for a long time, and that suffering has gotten worse than it ever was before. I have been seeking out solutions and answers, and distinguishing the ways that are good, and I have also been tearing down so much in my own soul that I have nearly left myself dry. I always want to do what is good and right, but truth be told here: I rarely feel good, and what I do often feel is heavy and weary. As much as I know the truth, I also know that my mind and my body have not been together, but separate and fighting constantly. It is very hard for me to cope right now.


Thanks,

and I do apologize for showing you all what you have not seen of me here; I am not changing guises or using masks, but I often do not share my own suffering--it has been constant for me, and truth be spoken, I want victory over this. I need this win.

Like I have told you before, we are at war and our three enemies are real: The world, The Flesh, and The Devil! Our Battle is on "3 Fronts", And the world is relentless, and the Flesh, never sleeps, and The Devil, so often, appears, as an "Angel of Light". For the Battle grounds we travel upon are so full of traps and despairs. If these things was not there, how could we say, "I was sick and I thought, I could not get weLL" "I was drowning, but now, I am well", How could we say; He is a mind regulator, unless you have almost, lost your mind! And then and only then, you can declare with "Power" "I called on HIM and He answered" He reach down and He took my Hand: "O' ye of little faith, why did you doubt"! It only takes, "Little Faith" and I do declare, HE will answer and Stop in His tracks, and turn His Head, and in His mind He cannot deny: "It is My People"! for not only "The Faith, the size of a Mustard seed can move mountains, It also, can Move GOD! For You "twcstp111" are a Truly a "Child of GOD" that will encounter many of scars and wounds, for those are the wounds of "The Wounded Soldiers" for many of us will enter that Narrow gate, on crutches, wheel chairs, canes, limping, bandages, tears and "Hope"!

"For Faith is the substances of things "HOPE for" and the evidence of things not Seen"

(Matthew 17:20).
New American Standard Bible
And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

Note: Now why, would you want to move a mountain, when you can move GOD! O' ye of "Little Faith"! Our GOD cannot Lie.

Our Job is to point our brothers and sisters in Christ to "GOD"! And to point "Unregenerated" sinners to "Jesus" "The SON of The Living GOD" and Then HE will REVEAL the FATHER! and this is not a paradox but a "Mystery" hidden in Christ Jesus Our LORD and not the worlds. Why do you say; I am your LORD [master] and do nothing I say. A slave obey's his master. So how can the world call Him LORD and do nothing He says! And how can they know what He is saying when they have not read His orders, that is "Written" in "The Book" Orders "Meditating Day and Night" and denying Themselves! presenting Themselves a Living Sacritice. " No cross no crown." "No cross No Scars" "For there are many who are enemies of The Cross" for they avoided it with all costs, they refuse, to bear the pain, in keeping "The WORD of GOD"! You are commanded to "Deny your Self"! "The wages of "Missing the Mark" is death and The gift of God is eternal Life"!

(Luke 18)NASB.
35And it came about that as He was approaching Jericho, a certain blind man was sitting by the road, begging. 36Now hearing a multitude going by, he began to inquire what this might be. 37And they told him that Jesus of Nazareth was passing by. 38And he called out, saying, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” 39And those who led the way were sternly telling him to be quiet; but he kept crying out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” 40And Jesus stopped and commanded that he be brought to Him; and when he had come near, He questioned him, 41“What do you want Me to do for you?” And he said, “Lord, I want to regain my sight!” 42And Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith has made you well.” 43And immediately he regained his sight, and began following Him, glorifying God; and when all the people saw it, they gave praise to God.

If GOD will stop for a Blind man, by saying these words "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me" I Know He will Stop for us, because He is "Our Father', "Born of HIS Spirit" and "washed in His Blood"! I am falling on the Floor and kicking up my Heels, If no one will preach to me, i will preach to myself! And give myself a "AMEN"! and a "Halleujah"! Yes Sir, Born of His Spirit and washed in His blood! Now, why don't you say Amen!

 

[twcstp111]

Why does fear come into my spirit when I am questioning the scriptures?

 

[FullArmorofGod]

I've been suicidal lately.

What else am I to say? What more is there for me to say?

Fear has controlled my life for more than a decade; almost every pursuit in this past decade has been a pursuit in pursuit of a better remedy. I have tried more than two dozen psychiatric medications. I would work and spend my money on healthful foods and supplements. Having been treated by doctors for behavioral issues, sleep issues, and cognitive issues from a young age, at this point I am looking back and I see that there's nothing in my life at all. Even my best efforts have failed me, every time. For some reason, I can't seem to keep the Conn of my own ship! I sleep on a couch. I've been taking medications for 23 years now. I'm 29. I don't even remember growing up--names of teachers or students, even spending time with my own brothers--I don't remember; so much time that I lived through isn't even encoded.

I have never been stable or grounded, and I cannot seem to produce a lasting solution.


I don't understand why. I don't understand this. I don't know why I always have to fight so hard so that I can lie down and say 'I didn't die today.'

Yeah.

Anyways.

Clean up diet. Exercise. Read. Meditate. Pray. You can get help when you can.

 

[twcstp111]

Clean up diet. Exercise. Read. Meditate. Pray. You can get help when you can.

Thank you,

God bless you.

 

[FullArmorofGod]

Why does fear come into my spirit when I am questioning the scriptures?

Doubt seeps in when at our weakest. I had a auditory hallucination. My username is not by chance. Here we are in a global pandemic. Combined with the series of obstacles, deaths, and other issues. This life is not easy. I found peace meditating on psalms. Day and night.

 

[twcstp111]

Doubt seeps in when at our weakest. I had a auditory hallucination. My username is not by chance. Here we are in a global pandemic. Combined with the series of obstacles, deaths, and other issues. This life is not easy. I found peace meditating on psalms. Day and night.

I am almost dead. Literally.

 

[PloughBoy]

I am almost dead. Literally.

(2 Cor. 4). ASV.
"7But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing greatness of the power may be of God and not from ourselves; 8we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; 9persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12So death works in us, but life in you. 13But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I BELIEVED, THEREFORE I SPOKE,” we also believe, therefore also we speak; 14knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you. 15For all things are for your sakes, that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God."

And maybe you are dying and almost dead, for I do believe your words, for i am not in your body, but just maybe it is a true thing! Now let you judge, could this be, you are finally dying to self, and you have no more strength to continue in your own power. I know for sure we must die unto self. before we can bear Much Fruit. or be able to live in and be powered by Christ. Just maybe it is slow death for you that you may live. For you have been living on your own power. But, Now you might be coming into a new area of your christian walk.

(John 12)NASB
24“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25“He who loves his life loses it; and he who hates his life in this world shall keep it to life eternal. 26“If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there shall My servant also be; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.

And JOB 13 said:
14I am biting off more than I can chew and taking my life in my own hands.
15If God would kill me, I would have no hope

. Nevertheless, I will defend my behavior to his face.
16This also will be my salvation because no godless person could face him.
17"Listen carefully to my words. Hear my declaration.
18I have prepared my case. I know that I will be declared righteous.
19Who can make a case against me? If someone could, I'd be silent and die.

Go over there and have a talk with JOB.​

 

[Hekuran]

Still praying for you. Hang in there. You will not always feel this way.

 

[Andyindauk]

I am almost dead. Literally.

Hi Tw,

I've read all your posts in this thread, and oh what pain and anguish you're going through. There looks from what you've written underlying mental health issues going on that for some reason the medics don't seem to have cracked. You haven't said where you're up to with that, are you still in regular consultation and do they have a testing program to ascertain which meds seem to be most effective? If you're not confident that they are making progress or feel they have given up on you then it maybe time for a referral to another mental health practitioner; have a word with your GP. Once you have the correct meds you'll be able to think more clearly and hopefully you'll feel better and happier in yourself.

Meantime another great source of help is God's Holy Spirit. Ask the Holy Spirit to lead and guide you in a programme of love, adoration and praise of God. It's wonderful to be able to slip into praise and thank God for His many truly amazing blessings when life's singing and everything seems to be working well and going in the right direction. It's right and proper through periods like that to give God glory, thanks and praise - but should that stop when the wheels fall off and things go awry? When that happens should we switch from praise to prayer? I suggest not. If you read Acts 16 you'll see Paul and Silas on a evangelical crusade that was going really well until their paths crossed a fortune telling slave and her owners, leading to them being banged up in prison, held in stocks which must have been terribly uncomfortable for them having been stripped and flogged. Luke doesn't recall any prayers, just praise and hymns, Acts 16:25. An even better example is the story of Job. Job 19:25

It's easy to praise God during the 'happy days' and God appreciates such praise but appreciates so much more praise, love and adoration when we're in dark places in our life. So please, get yourself a coffee, sit down and work out a plan of praise. God's attributes, what is it about God that you love? His gifts to you - Holy Spirit, Bible, church, family etc. What He's done for you, starting before creation, through to today and beyond for everlasting. His love, care and total adoration of you ... once you start, it's hard to stop; there's so much material.

So please ask God for a filling of His Holy Spirit to lead you in praise and that will be a massive, massive positive start to the day. If you can only do that every day, even better several times a day, the presence of the Holy Spirit within you will give you a peace and a presence of mind that will help you to overcome depression, not in an instant but as part of a gradual process.

So please turn to God in times of despair and depression and He will give you the wisdom you need to get through this period, including getting the right meds and make you a strong disciple able to bear witness of His compassion, love and provision of all you need. You'll be able to tell them all how God has got you through in the same way as Job did Job 23:9-11 and David in Psalm 23:1-6.

===========================================

Thank you dear Lord God for your love, fondness, care and total adoration of us, even during times of despair and depression, when our mood is as black as pitch and we are so cold towards you. You love me, you feel for me, you want to make it all better and yet somehow my self destructive mind fails to see your loving kindness and so you have your work cut out getting through my thick head and cold heart.

I pray for my dear lovely brother TW, I ask you to invade his head and heart with your Holy Spirit and give to him a deep and wonderful experience of you. Please Lord God lead, guide and provide for him as you always have and always will but much more, please God, bring him through this period, get him on top of this mental health issue that's so debilitating, holding him back, causing so much misery. Please Lord God transform his life as only you can.

Thank you Lord that this is in your gift and in your will because you're all powerful and have a limitless love for us.

 

[FullArmorofGod]

I've been suicidal lately.

What else am I to say? What more is there for me to say?

Fear has controlled my life for more than a decade; almost every pursuit in this past decade has been a pursuit in pursuit of a better remedy. I have tried more than two dozen psychiatric medications. I would work and spend my money on healthful foods and supplements. Having been treated by doctors for behavioral issues, sleep issues, and cognitive issues from a young age, at this point I am looking back and I see that there's nothing in my life at all. Even my best efforts have failed me, every time. For some reason, I can't seem to keep the Conn of my own ship! I sleep on a couch. I've been taking medications for 23 years now. I'm 29. I don't even remember growing up--names of teachers or students, even spending time with my own brothers--I don't remember; so much time that I lived through isn't even encoded.

I have never been stable or grounded, and I cannot seem to produce a lasting solution.


I don't understand why. I don't understand this. I don't know why I always have to fight so hard so that I can lie down and say 'I didn't die today.'

Yeah.

Anyways.

There is a lot of blasphemy in the world of teaching the Bible but if you listen to the stories, the people went through hell. Look at Christ's story. He suffered. Moses in the desert. He never got into the promise land. The story about Jacob. How about Joseph. Read more about Joseph. Especially when you struggle with sleep. He is a dream dictionary come to life. He interprets dreams. He was sold as a slave by his brothers. He was was in prison. He came out better than ever before. He kept faith in God.

I lost family and friends younger than you. I recommend you take time off to recalibrate and pray. Try to meditate on a passage. I like Psalms, wisdom, proverbs. These are the words that you can think about and sit with.

So, you are maybe at your witts end with your strength. Lean on family and friends. Pray. Meditate. Sleep. Try talking to your doctor. There's melatonin, gaba, 5htp supplements and stuff but you must ask your doctor if you are able to take it. You might be restricyrf due to pregnancy or prescription drugs.

Good luck. Youtube JRE 1109. There's a episode on dreams and sleep. Get obsessed with sleep and learn about how to solve your problem. You can. Do your best. Leave the rest to God.