I need some insight and/or answers on this so please help me because I'm terrified....I have asked Jesus to be my savior so many times and everytime that I do, no matter how hard I try, things in my life get crazy out of control and I end up falling away because I get so defeated. Right now I am going through the worst time of my life and it seems like everything I've ever done wrong is constantly filling my head to the point where I can't think about anything else. The thing that comes up the most is that before I asked Jesus into my life, I was really bad into drugs and some friends of mine and me were in a hotel room smoking pot and we didn't have any rolling papers. Someone mentioned that a page from the Bible would work, so I tore the first page of Genesis out and we rolled it up and smoked it....I feel so sick to my stomach and the thought of that haunts me constantly, eventhough it was nearly 10 years ago and I wasn't a Christian at the time. On top of the tormenting thoughts, I constantly get all of these horrible thoughts in my head and I constantly get the urge to curse God out but I don't, I hold it all inside no matter how hard it is to do because it's not what I want to do and it feels like they are my thoughts. I feel so dark, evil, and helpless and I am terrified. I am tormented constantly day and night it just keeps getting worse. I know it's pride to say this, but am I too lost to be saved or have I fallen away so many times that God wants nothing to do with me? It really feels that way to me and the thoughts in my head tell me that I am hopeless and going to hell. I've tried to talk to a pastor at my church about this, but he just went through the gospel and explained to me how sin seperates us from God and didn't really answer my question. I know this might sound ridiculous, I myself find it to be as I think about what I'm writing, but I'm serious....Please help me!!!!