Hope for a backslider?

[Samulas]

Hi all I pray that the Lord Jesus will guide me with this post.

Since around the end of 2013 I lost touch with Jesus. Although I have called on him on certain occasions throughout the backsliding. This happened at the end of the same year I found out about Jesus and was called out of the occult. I had been diligently seeking the Lord starting January of that year (2013). Overtime though I became obsessed with having a girlfriend as I never had one. Well at the end of that year I had finally gotten into a worldly relationship which ended last October. It was full of sin which I deeply regret and am not proud of. I had lost my virginity. I left her in October for a number of reasons, partially because she hurt me and wasn't able to trust her and some of which were rather selfish thinking I could find someone better looking, lust after others, thinking of that girl at work, etc, but I remember at one point asking God if he can use it to bring me back to Him. After the break up I got heavy into my studies shutting out the world with video games, music, books, and anime shows that did not glorify God. Then I began to get heavy into drinking and struggled with smoking yet again. Last month, I was studying sitting in a Starbucks noticing a man sitting by a window looking outside. When he got up and left there was a napkin and piece of paper both with writing on them. I immediately thought that it was something I had to read, possibly from the Lord. Of course, it was a note on forgiveness on one and Psalm 23: 2-3 on another.

The note read:
"*When you are dragging because of your guilty knowledge of your own sins, His words of unconditional love and forgiveness will refresh your soul.*"

It was written in such a way, so neatly, that it was left there for someone to pick up. The note made me think about God and how long I had been away from Him (also I received a 100 on that test which I thought possible only by HIS grace and got into the nursing program at school which I was worried I wouldn't being 4 years in community college). I though of how I was killing myself and eventually grew bored of my sin. I started to drink less and less and eventually lost all desire to since Easter Sunday. I also was recently feeling guilty as I would eat without giving thanks for quite sometime. I would hate that and when I tried to start again I would hate myself when I would forget and be halfway done with a meal. I was just feeling so far away from Jesus. More and more as the days go by I have been realizing how much I've missed Jesus and now I desire nothing but Him. I have been praying bowed down on the ground like I once had and reading the Bible again and seeking HIS face, talking/thinking to Him more and more everyday, almost at a constant. I have been realizing how seeking HIM is dire, as the hour is very late, this past week crying out for forgiveness. I threw out all of the music, video games, and books. I have been thinking though that since I received the note a month ago its too late for me to go back to God. Sometimes I want to cry but cant, although occasionally it comes out. Most recently I cried today in the car listening to "Hosanna" right where the lyrics are "heal my heart and make it clean." I just starting balling saying how I was sorry and I miss Him even though I am not always crying and feel numb inside and have a foggy mind. I feel like the world ruined my mind and left me with a heart of stone. I know my heart has been hardened. I have been praying to God to search my heart, take out what offends Him, and I have been asking for a new heart and mind and to fix my hardened heart. Sometime I still feel that immeasurable damage is done and cannot be changed back, or that Jesus is coming tomorrow (which He very well may) and it will be too late for me. It scares me. Like I said I feel numb inside a lot of the time. I have been repenting and turning from all my sin I can. I just want to be on fire for Jesus like I once was. I feel useless since I cant help bring anyone to Jesus like this as I once did. I just want Him to be the focal point of my mind and my anchor and not hate me. I want to look up towards Heaven and KNOW that He is looking back right at me. I need His forgiveness. I feel almost hopeless.

I love you guys.
Please pray for me if it is right to do so. Any recommended reading in the scripture would be a blessing. So far I had read Jeremiah, Lamentations, Jonah, Joel, Hosea, numerous Psalms, Proverbs, and some things throughout the New Testament as well since last Monday. I want things to jump out at me even more so than they once did as I read.
Any other advice would be beautiful.

Jesus Bless all of you and guide you in the path of His Truth.

 

[Travis]

You are not too far gone:

Hope for the Worst Backsliders

Keep fighting brother.

 

[Brad Huber]

Praying for you brother. God loves you, and wants you back in His life. He doesnt expect you to be perfect right away, He paved the way for you to be in His presense regardless of your nature. Its through the substitution of Jesus with you that brings you into Gods presense with joy in the heavenly realm. Our walk in this world will sometimes be stumbling or even falling, but do not fear, get back up and keep moving, for God is waiting for you with the joy of a Father watching His child learning to walk.

 

[Fragrant Grace]

Last month, I was studying sitting in a Starbucks noticing a man sitting by a window looking outside. When he got up and left there was a napkin and piece of paper both with writing on them. I immediately thought that it was something I had to read, possibly from the Lord. Of course, it was a note on forgiveness on one and Psalm 23: 2-3 on another.
The note read:
"*When you are dragging because of your guilty knowledge of your own sins, His words of unconditional love and forgiveness will refresh your soul.*"

Greetings brother @Samulas

Praise the Lord!
How wonderful it is that you found that note.

Isn't it amazing how the Lord works to draw us back to Him even when we've strayed so far away.
Like the lost sheep, He wants you back in the safety of the fold

Don't trust in your feelings Samulas, trust in the Lord and His unfailing promises, His unending love and His compassion
Like the prodigal son...the Lord loves you and has deep compassion for you

And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.
Luke 15:20

Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.
Isaiah 31:3

.He won't fail you.....I can say that from personal experience:

When I strayed from the Lord for a few years deep into the depravity of the world....even in times of total desperation.....there would be little voices, signs, Bible verses and hymns popping up in the most unusual places.... His gentle voice never stopped wooing me back to Himself

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD your God, He it is that does go with you; He will not fail you, nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

Please pray for me if it is right to do so. Any recommended reading in the scripture would be a blessing. So far I had read Jeremiah, Lamentations, Jonah, Joel, Hosea, numerous Psalms, Proverbs, and some things throughout the New Testament as well since last Monday. I want things to jump out at me even more so than they once did as I read.
Any other advice would be beautiful.

John chapter 17
Enter into that garden with Jesus.

Romans 11:32 For God has imprisoned everyone in disobedience so he could have mercy on everyone.
God does want us to know the difference between will power and his power.

Like paper,leaves and dried grass the light of God burns up our little issues and there is a big fire and we feel that as being on fire for God.
This is a fire that God started,not our willpower and certainly not our logical mind.
It's easy to begin to conform by willpower and by doing so we can unintentionally quench the fire that started our journey.
When I am delivered from a wrong desire I know that it is the spirit of God at work.
When I have to use willpower to force a change the desire remains.
But grass and paper does not make coals,for that we need heavier wood,even timbers.
The individual acts that our desires cause are like paper that but the desires that cause them are like planks or timbers.

What you are doing now by repenting,praying,studying and listening is putting the flame back on the big wood.
I am confident that you will have a roaring fire in "no time".

I add my voice to my brothers and sisters here and agree with their prayers concerning your situation.
Godspeed your fire.

 

[RJ]

Since around the end of 2013 I lost touch with Jesus. Although I have called on him on certain occasions throughout the backsliding.

One of the hardest things for a Christian to do is lead the Christian life, it is much better when you strive to let Christ lead his life through you; that is the mark of a person who is truly leading the "Christian Life".
It is better that you don't and strive not to, but your "backsliding" is not unusual, we are human after all and full of mistakes. I would say from my experience and for the most part, we all backslide to some degree from time to time.
St. Paul explains how even he struggled. In Romans 7, Paul states how he "does what he doesn't want to do" and he " doesn't do what he wants to do" and asks what is to become of him? Sound familiar? Then, in Romans 8:1 , he comes right back and gives the answer!

Look, God is the ultimate decision if a person is saved or not, but for me, your witness of backsliding is a sure sign that you are saved and with one of the very first fruits of the Holy Spirit in you..... the possession of a repentant heart!
"Falling Away", scripturally is not backsliding. Falling away is a conversion back to a state of "all out" rejection of Jesus Christ as you Lord and Savior. You are not that, you evidently have Christ in you and you and you have been born again. But, like Paul we all struggle!
The key is that Jesus is in you, keep striving to do better and always love one another letting him do his work through you, and remember, with him in you and therefore you in him, there is no condemnation when you do backslide, just thank him, pick yourself up and do better! God Bless!

 

[Christ4Ever]

Hi all I pray that the Lord Jesus will guide me with this post.

Since around the end of 2013 I lost touch with Jesus. Although I have called on him on certain occasions throughout the backsliding. This happened at the end of the same year I found out about Jesus and was called out of the occult. I had been diligently seeking the Lord starting January of that year (2013). Overtime though I became obsessed with having a girlfriend as I never had one. Well at the end of that year I had finally gotten into a worldly relationship which ended last October. It was full of sin which I deeply regret and am not proud of. I had lost my virginity. I left her in October for a number of reasons, partially because she hurt me and wasn't able to trust her and some of which were rather selfish thinking I could find someone better looking, lust after others, thinking of that girl at work, etc, but I remember at one point asking God if he can use it to bring me back to Him. After the break up I got heavy into my studies shutting out the world with video games, music, books, and anime shows that did not glorify God. Then I began to get heavy into drinking and struggled with smoking yet again. Last month, I was studying sitting in a Starbucks noticing a man sitting by a window looking outside. When he got up and left there was a napkin and piece of paper both with writing on them. I immediately thought that it was something I had to read, possibly from the Lord. Of course, it was a note on forgiveness on one and Psalm 23: 2-3 on another.

The note read:
"*When you are dragging because of your guilty knowledge of your own sins, His words of unconditional love and forgiveness will refresh your soul.*"

It was written in such a way, so neatly, that it was left there for someone to pick up. The note made me think about God and how long I had been away from Him (also I received a 100 on that test which I thought possible only by HIS grace and got into the nursing program at school which I was worried I wouldn't being 4 years in community college). I though of how I was killing myself and eventually grew bored of my sin. I started to drink less and less and eventually lost all desire to since Easter Sunday. I also was recently feeling guilty as I would eat without giving thanks for quite sometime. I would hate that and when I tried to start again I would hate myself when I would forget and be halfway done with a meal. I was just feeling so far away from Jesus. More and more as the days go by I have been realizing how much I've missed Jesus and now I desire nothing but Him. I have been praying bowed down on the ground like I once had and reading the Bible again and seeking HIS face, talking/thinking to Him more and more everyday, almost at a constant. I have been realizing how seeking HIM is dire, as the hour is very late, this past week crying out for forgiveness. I threw out all of the music, video games, and books. I have been thinking though that since I received the note a month ago its too late for me to go back to God. Sometimes I want to cry but cant, although occasionally it comes out. Most recently I cried today in the car listening to "Hosanna" right where the lyrics are "heal my heart and make it clean." I just starting balling saying how I was sorry and I miss Him even though I am not always crying and feel numb inside and have a foggy mind. I feel like the world ruined my mind and left me with a heart of stone. I know my heart has been hardened. I have been praying to God to search my heart, take out what offends Him, and I have been asking for a new heart and mind and to fix my hardened heart. Sometime I still feel that immeasurable damage is done and cannot be changed back, or that Jesus is coming tomorrow (which He very well may) and it will be too late for me. It scares me. Like I said I feel numb inside a lot of the time. I have been repenting and turning from all my sin I can. I just want to be on fire for Jesus like I once was. I feel useless since I cant help bring anyone to Jesus like this as I once did. I just want Him to be the focal point of my mind and my anchor and not hate me. I want to look up towards Heaven and KNOW that He is looking back right at me. I need His forgiveness. I feel almost hopeless.

I love you guys.
Please pray for me if it is right to do so. Any recommended reading in the scripture would be a blessing. So far I had read Jeremiah, Lamentations, Jonah, Joel, Hosea, numerous Psalms, Proverbs, and some things throughout the New Testament as well since last Monday. I want things to jump out at me even more so than they once did as I read.
Any other advice would be beautiful.

Jesus Bless all of you and guide you in the path of His Truth.

Hello Samulas,
I want you to know that I too am adding my voice in prayer for you.

Each Brother & Sister in Christ Jesus have added awesome words of encouragement and guidance. I too would encourage you.

Know that you are not so hardened of heart that the tears you have shed won't soften your heart to a greater relationship with Christ Jesus. Just as the caked dry earth hungrily soaks up the rain that falls upon it, so too your tears to our Lord who gathers them in His hands and wipes them from your checks. He loves you Brother Samulas! He surely does. As we also love you!

So take our words of encouragement, our prayers, our love for you, Samulas and rejoice in the Lord! You are not alone, no never alone!

Find a devotional that you can start your day out with. This will provide you some focus for the rest of the day. You will find that as the days go on these daily devotionals with Scripture reading will become more and more as if it were meant specifically for you! You'll read and say that's me! You'll find that these might even be of benefit to others, and you'll share them. Sharing your joy, will expand your growing as well, and will give you great pleasure! Just as that note found it's way into your hand, you too will find a way to touch others. Maybe it will be a note, a kind word, a passing on of something you've read in the Bible, or maybe just being there for someone else to listen, praying with and for them. All these things you can do, and I'm hopeful that you will find yourself doing them as well!

For in them you will purpose as well Brother Samulas. Nothing like sharing with others the Love the Lord has shared with you! You also have a testimony to share. The hardships, the stumbling, and most especially how He has lifted you back up! This also doesn't require you to be anymore learned then anyone else to do, for the testimony is yours and nobody, I mean nobody can take it away from you! You don't have to memorized the bible to let others know about the love you have found and how it's lifted you up! Just take a little step out in faith and He will do the rest!

As you're finding out after posting what you're going through. You have brothers & sisters in Christ Jesus, who will pray, and offer assistance as the Holy Spirit allows. A whole community of believers Samulas!
Love you Brother.
YBIC
C4E

Hebrews 12:1-2 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset [us], and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of [our] faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

 

[Samulas]

Thanks for the help everyone. I just hate the position I got myself into.

Even before the ex girlfriend and when I was seeking Jesus throughout 2013, I always felt like I would fail in the end with my walk with Him. When I first found out Jesus was the truth I thought i had taken the mark of the beast thanks to the occult. It took me a little under a month to shake that but that pestered me and was really hard. I also had a tough time thinking I did the unpardonable sin for quite some time and then after I willfully sinned I thought I could never be forgiven. I fought through all that with the help of Jesus in 2013 and the Lord still used me to reach out to other people.

I have begun to think all my backsliding cannot receive forgiveness like when I willfully sinned in 2013 but this time was a longer period of time. Now I feel like I'm running the race set before me as someone nonathletic that is panting. I feel so alone. I imagine myself as the seed that grew with the thorns or the one who has no root. I seriously need help. Sometime I feel if I had grown up in a Christian household things might be different but I don't have anyone in my family that seeks the Lord. A friend of mine (essentially my only one) has shown an increase of interest in the Lord lately and I think he is starting to believe in Jesus thanks to one of his coworkers but when we talk about it I feel I cant help him as well as I once was able to.

Thank you for the prayers everyone. My wicked self needs as many as I can get.

 

[Curtis]

The note read:
"*When you are dragging because of your guilty knowledge of your own sins, His words of unconditional love and forgiveness will refresh your soul.*"

Brother, Does not Jesus go after that one who has left the fold to bring him back? Absolutely yes!!! Once you become a child of God, and you go astray of your own free choice, the Lord God will correct, chastise, and sometimes punish us for our own good. This happens whether you want it or not. No child tells their parent to punish them. The parent which happens to be God does this without your permission. He has been guiding you back to where you belong with his family not the devils where you do not belong. Your heart (conscience) has been condemning you for all your poor choices you have made, and the Holy Spirit has been drawing you back to Jesus. (your first love) Just confess your sins to God and he will cleanse you, then resist the devil and he will flee from you.

 

[Samulas]

Thank you once again everyone may Jesus bless you all.
I have begun to read through the NT starting with the Gospel of Matthew. I fear I have lost my saltiness and how will I get salty again? I am also beginning to fear the Holy Spirit has been withdrawn from me due to all of the sin.
Please continue to pray for me. I just want to hear from God so I have some hope to cling on to.

 

[RJ]

I am also beginning to fear the Holy Spirit has been withdrawn from me due to all of the sin.

If you have truly been "Born Again", it is an impossibility to have the Holy Spirit withdrawn from you. God says he will never leave or forsake you and Jesus says, who God has given him, he will not lose. I think it is good that you are getting back to the Bible. Getting back to the Bible is an indication of a problem. It is not that God has withdrawn from you as much as you have withdrawn from reading / hearing his word, which builds your faith and understanding these truths!

 

[Brad Huber]

When the younger child left the father with his whole inheritance and wasted it, How did the father treat the mess of a child that returned? Is not God's love greater than any man's?

 

[Samulas]

I know you guys are right. Jesus's love is so merciful and long-suffering. I just feel as though I have a reprobate mind or beyond calloused heart. I just want hope in my heart again. I want to be able to feel again and live a life dedicated to the Lord without fear of failing for once. I want to tell other people the things He has done for me and the life He has given me. God is so good but I feel so wicked sometimes. I have been searching for His face as he used to give me little signs of reassurance but so far I haven't seen much. I used to be able to scream at the stars "I'm sorry" and right where I was staring see a shooting star. But even then I had a hard time feeling forgiven...

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

I just feel as though I have a reprobate mind or beyond calloused heart.

A reprobate mind does not know the difference and a calloused heart can not feel that difference.
I have found the fastest way to feel forgiven is to have mercy one someone who does not deserve it.
God is love and loves showing mercy and when we show mercy and bless
and even pray for our enemies or those that reject or hurt us that stirs things up.

Romans 11:32 For God has imprisoned everyone in disobedience so he could have mercy on everyone.

 

[purpose79]

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the Lord Shall renew Their strength; They shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run,and not be weary; and they shall walk ,and not faint.

Proverbs 3:25-26

25 Be Not Afraid of sudden fear,neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh.
26 For The Lord shall be thy confidence,and shall keep thy foot from being taken.

Love&Prayers

 

[Christ4Ever]

Forget and Forgive

Say not thou, I will recompense evil; but wait on the Lord, and he shall save thee. (Proverbs 20:22

I know you guys are right. Jesus's love is so merciful and long-suffering. I just feel as though I have a reprobate mind or beyond calloused heart. I just want hope in my heart again. I want to be able to feel again and live a life dedicated to the Lord without fear of failing for once. I want to tell other people the things He has done for me and the life He has given me. God is so good but I feel so wicked sometimes. I have been searching for His face as he used to give me little signs of reassurance but so far I haven't seen much. I used to be able to scream at the stars "I'm sorry" and right where I was staring see a shooting star. But even then I had a hard time feeling forgiven...

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is forgive oneself Samulas. You are not a time traveler that can go back in time and change what has happened. What you can do is prepare for the today as well as for tomorrow. You do that by turning to Godly things. Reading His Word, Praying, Fellowship with other Believers, Sharing the Gospel, Helping those in need....... These are things that will lift up your soul, your spirit and have your mind in the right place.

If the focus of your life is the Lord then be assured He will cover you and when that fear surfaces your awareness/knowledge of His Word, His Love will be greater and you will know it for the lie it is! For that is the lie that you are now in possesion of. Let it go. As others have said, your mind is being renewed. Doesn't happen over night, but it will continue to happen as you grow in the Lord. Rejoice Samulas for the God of the Universe has chosen you and He Loves you! Set those negatives thougths that are trying to drive you down, and be uplifted with the positives thoughts that you have heard here throughout this thread you started. From Brothers & Sisters in Christ Jesus who love you dearly Brother Samulas.

Then as things start to change and they will if you continue to grow in the Lord Jesus Christ. Let us and others know about it. For that too will help you, for you will know that you have given joy to others in the hope that you now have, and joy we too will receive in hearing of it! That we too may rejoice with you!

This is your testimony! Grow it! Live it! Always to the Glory of God!

I will continue to pray for you Samulas.
YBIC
C4E

This was felt so strongly it was said twice.
[Psa 42:11 KJV] 11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, [who is] the health of my countenance, and my God.
[Psa 43:5 KJV] 5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, [who is] the health of my countenance, and my God.

[Lam 3:24 KJV] 24 The LORD [is] my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

 

[Travis]

It sounds like you want assurance. When we find ourselves be disobedient, it's hard to have much assurance of salvation, even when we truly have it (salvation that is).

And Samuel said, "Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams. - 1 Samuel 15:22​

Being obedient to God, and then looking back on it and seeing how you are growing in both obedience and holiness, in Christlikeness, gives one great assurance that the Lord has indeed started a good work in you.

There's a good Keith green song out there about how to obey is better than sacrifice.

Blessings,

Travis

 

[RJ]

But even then I had a hard time feeling forgiven...

@Samulas , if you have truly believed, you must find your answer in his word and learn the truth. Just to truths about you so far:

• Your displeasure about you actions is an indication that you have a regenerated heart, or, at least, you are in the process but that is between you and God; only he knows your heart. I am not saying you are not saved, that is not up yo me, but I can say you are definitely a step ahead, just keep humbling yourself, read you Bible and move forward.
• In Jesus YOU DON'T FIND FORGIVENESS and you have no say in this, in Jesus, you ARE forgiven!!!

 

[Samulas]

The Lord used to show me so many things about how He loved and just how good he really is. Now I feel like whenever I try talking to Him everything I had vanished. When I think of God or Jesus while praying I begin to just see a bizarre cartoon character in my head.

 

[RJ]

The Lord used to show me so many things about how He loved and just how good he really is. Now I feel like whenever I try talking to Him everything I had vanished. When I think of God or Jesus while praying I begin to just see a bizarre cartoon character in my head.

You may need help that goes beyond T.J., I strongly suggest to talk to a Pastor that does counseling and a Physician, follow their suggestions for getting these visions out of your head.