I don't want to see my dad anymore

[Rachel15]

Firstly, i appreciate people's support here and realise i've posted quite a few issues - so i just wanted to thank you for your patience and replies while these different things get sorted out.

I feel revulsion toward my dad. It wasn't a great upbringing. I've forgiven him, or thought i had for the past - despite the fact that in forgiving him it means that i have to keep seeing him - which i really don't want. I have nothing in common with him in interests. He seems to target young women - younger than his daughters - for sexual relationships and likes to lavish money on them until it all goes sour. He used to tell me about it until i plucked up the courage to tell him that i didn't want to hear about it.

The last thing which has really rattled me and i think i've got just cause to be angry is that he took my son out and two of my son's friends for a trip to a theme park. He wanted me to go but i realised that there weren't enough seat belts in his car and so i told him that for that reason i wouldn't go. He wasn't happy but i was firm. However, he went and now i realise that even though he had enough seat belts for the journey if someone sat in the front of the car next to him - he let all three boys sit in the back of the car so that they could be next to each other which meant that one boy didn't have a seatbelt for the journeys. This was specifically after i had drawn attention to the seatbelt issue.

This may not seem a big issue to some people, but to me, it is big because its chancing people's lives with motorway driving not wearing a belt - especially children, well, teenagers. I feel not only very let down but deliberately ignored, with what could have been potentially disastrous consequences - thank the Lord they were okay.

For ages, i have been a passive, compliant daughter and now i don't want to be anymore. Yes, he's my dad, but he doesn't listen - i tell him not to swear, and he does, and seems only interested in my life to the extent that he can give his approval or disapproval - something which i no longer care about.

Please tell me that i don't have to see this person anymore who i have found so damaging to my life and i'm realising could be potentially damaging to my son. BTW i do intend to send a dvd with the gospel on for his birthday because i do want him to be saved, but just now, the way he is and with all the history, i want a break from him until that day. (I have witnessed to him before too).

 

[abigya]

Firstly, i appreciate people's support here and realise i've posted quite a few issues - so i just wanted to thank you for your patience and replies while these different things get sorted out.

I feel revulsion toward my dad. It wasn't a great upbringing. I've forgiven him, or thought i had for the past - despite the fact that in forgiving him it means that i have to keep seeing him - which i really don't want. I have nothing in common with him in interests. He seems to target young women - younger than his daughters - for sexual relationships and likes to lavish money on them until it all goes sour. He used to tell me about it until i plucked up the courage to tell him that i didn't want to hear about it.

The last thing which has really rattled me and i think i've got just cause to be angry is that he took my son out and two of my son's friends for a trip to a theme park. He wanted me to go but i realised that there weren't enough seat belts in his car and so i told him that for that reason i wouldn't go. He wasn't happy but i was firm. However, he went and now i realise that even though he had enough seat belts for the journey if someone sat in the front of the car next to him - he let all three boys sit in the back of the car so that they could be next to each other which meant that one boy didn't have a seatbelt for the journeys. This was specifically after i had drawn attention to the seatbelt issue.

This may not seem a big issue to some people, but to me, it is big because its chancing people's lives with motorway driving not wearing a belt - especially children, well, teenagers. I feel not only very let down but deliberately ignored, with what could have been potentially disastrous consequences - thank the Lord they were okay.

For ages, i have been a passive, compliant daughter and now i don't want to be anymore. Yes, he's my dad, but he doesn't listen - i tell him not to swear, and he does, and seems only interested in my life to the extent that he can give his approval or disapproval - something which i no longer care about.

Please tell me that i don't have to see this person anymore who i have found so damaging to my life and i'm realising could be potentially damaging to my son. BTW i do intend to send a dvd with the gospel on for his birthday because i do want him to be saved, but just now, the way he is and with all the history, i want a break from him until that day. (I have witnessed to him before too).

Dear sister
I am sorry for what you have gone through
I think you have every right to stay away from those people hurting you; it’s good that you have a forgiving heart towards your father.

Blessings
abigya

 

[Rachel15]

Thank you abigya for replying. It would be such a relief not to have him around. I wanted to stop contact before but i was told by a Christian that God says families are important and i have to forgive. But it seems really hard if a person does not change and does not want to change.
I know one reason he wants to keep in touch is that he has said he is concerned about who's going to look after him when he gets old, but he has enjoyed a large income so he should easily be able to afford care if it ever became an issue.

 

[ladylovesJesus]

Rachael that is a hard one. I know my sister fell out with her dad and used to be a daddy's girl. She bitterly regretted not making up with him when he died suddenly one night.

Life is too short but forgiveness is good and needed. I would say to pray and seek God on this issue. Be led by the Holy Spirit. You can keep in touch by phone I guess.

Just keep praying for his salvation and that he will see the light and then change his ways and become the person God created him to be.

God bless

LLJ :love :rainbow: :rose:

 

[Rachel15]

Thanks ladylovesJesus - i appreciate what you're saying. I just don't think that my dad will change until he faces some consequences to his behaviour - sometimes he can be very hurtful and unfortunately, because i didn't set boundaries before, he now has a relationship with my son and i'd rather he wasn't such an influence.

 

[Word of Life]

Forgiveness is the key here, even though it may hurt and may seem extremely hard to do, but what’s in you, is far greater than what’s in this world.

1Jn 4:4 Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.

Mat 6:14 "If you forgive the failures of others, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Mat 6:15 But if you don't forgive others, your Father will not forgive your failures.

We too, were once in darkness and was blinded by satan. So pray and keep relying on our Heavenly Father for strength, and His guidance.

2Co 1:3 Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! He is the Father who is compassionate and the God who gives comfort.

 

[Rachel15]

Thanks for posting WordofLife. I understand what you are saying about forgiveness - but at what point is it okay to set a boundary and say actually i don't really want to see this person? Should a person have a hold over you for the rest of your life because they are your biological parent (even if they didn't care for you for most of your childhood)? Why isn't it okay for an adult to decide who they want to spend time with - particularly if a relationship brings up awful emotions.

I have found my relationship with my dad draining and it has had a major effect on my life - yes, i forgive, but now i want to draw a line. This relationship is not bringing out the best in me - the worst, in fact. I dread to think that he might be expecting and planning for me to look after him in his old age. I feel like giving up my life now at the thought.

I've just found out that i've got a place on an Access to Nursing course and i start tomorrow. If my dad find's out it'll be one more reason for me to look after him in his old age, and i'll just get started on my career and he'll be pressurising me to see him in order for him to get his needs met. He has two other daughters, so its not as if he hasn't other family, but he's always wanting to come and visit and i think its because i've been such a doormat as far as telling him how offensive i find his attitudes.

Sorry to sound so cross - its just that in not putting a seatbelt on one of my son's group, he really acted irresponsibly and he just seems to have contempt for my opinions.

I've often put him first, been polite, listened, and after being a Christian, forgiven. But now i want my own life - i am tired of making polite conversation when he comes - especially when he inevitable swears/blasphemes. It's not a loving, giving relationship with fond memories - i have to try and treat him more like a person i might minister to in order to cope - but i've shared the gospel with him and he hasn't wanted to know - he does not seem to want to change.

My upbringing was abusive and of course we are taught to forgive, but i feel i can't blossom and have never blossomed yet, with these kind of relationships in my personal life. It's one thing to have compassion and minister to people with God's love in the community, but i think its another if its someone in your personal life acts as if they are entitled to your love or time on their terms, when they may scorn or have contempt for your beliefs and feelings.

I guess in submitting my opening post, i knew that the issue of forgiveness would come up. But why does it seem as if forgiveness means having to accept a relationship you don't want. I don't know why i feel revulsion towards my dad - but when he kisses me i find it gross. My dad obviously feels some tie to me, but i don't to him. I want some space from these horrid feelings and i want to heal from my past. My dad has already told me that i will never work again, that no man will find me attractive unless i lose a lot of weight, and that he wouldn't be happy about me driving my son on a journey because he didn't trust my driving. I guess i have some more forgiving here to do, but i don't want to listen to these kind of comments again which so undermine my confidence and self-esteem.

 

[Word of Life]

Thanks for posting WordofLife. I understand what you are saying about forgiveness - but at what point is it okay to set a boundary and say actually i don't really want to see this person? Should a person have a hold over you for the rest of your life because they are your biological parent (even if they didn't care for you for most of your childhood)? Why isn't it okay for an adult to decide who they want to spend time with - particularly if a relationship brings up awful emotions.

I don't think any person should have a hold over anyone, we just need to find the right balance. God certainly doesn't control people, force people; His is kind, considerate, loving, and patient and forgives us all. If unbelievers refuse to hear the Gospel of the Kingdom of God, one needs to look at this scripture.

2Co 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Unbelievers are going to pull you down, as they are of this world and will talk of this world, and not of Christ's. (spiritual world). Children of God are not of this world, and we will see things very much differently to people that are still in darkness, as they are still blinded by satan and his deceitfulness, and they are not going to understand us. I have the same problems with my own dad.

I have found my relationship with my dad draining and it has had a major effect on my life - yes, i forgive, but now i want to draw a line. This relationship is not bringing out the best in me - the worst, in fact. I dread to think that he might be expecting and planning for me to look after him in his old age. I feel like giving up my life now at the thought.

If your dad is hindering you spiritually and causing you much distress, I would say you need to have a chat with him, discuss it with him and maybe suggest that you spend some time apart from each other. Say 3-6months and see what happens after that period of time.

I've just found out that i've got a place on an Access to Nursing course and i start tomorrow. If my dad find's out it'll be one more reason for me to look after him in his old age, and i'll just get started on my career and he'll be pressurising me to see him in order for him to get his needs met. He has two other daughters, so its not as if he hasn't other family, but he's always wanting to come and visit and i think its because i've been such a doormat as far as telling him how offensive i find his attitudes.

This is good news, and bless our Father through our Lord Jesus Christ, for giving you such an opening in life. Please do not worry about the future, it does not belong to us. Deal with today, and enjoy your course to the fullest. Most of us worry too much, and in the end, that worry was for nothing. Just enjoying your self and do your best.

I've often put him first, been polite, listened, and after being a Christian, forgiven. But now i want my own life - i am tired of making polite conversation when he comes - especially when he inevitable swears/blasphemes. It's not a loving, giving relationship with fond memories - i have to try and treat him more like a person i might minister to in order to cope - but i've shared the gospel with him and he hasn't wanted to know - he does not seem to want to change.

Mat 19:29 And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

The above scripture is true. If people in our own family, don't want to change, one needs to seek born again Christian friends/believers, and spend more time with them to uplift us. They will give you the support, edification, and ministering that you need and will understand you. But saying that, if one of our family members do repent and ask Jesus into their lives and wants Jesus as their Lord and Saviour, of course we are to rejoice and welcome them to the family of God. I have been told, I must not give up on my own brother and my own dad, both of which are not saved. It's not in my hands, but all I can do is plant those small seeds and God does the increase.

1Co 3:6 I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase.

My upbringing was abusive and of course we are taught to forgive, but i feel i can't blossom and have never blossomed yet, with these kind of relationships in my personal life. It's one thing to have compassion and minister to people with God's love in the community, but i think its another if its someone in your personal life acts as if they are entitled to your love or time on their terms, when they may scorn or have contempt for your beliefs and feelings.

Rachel, you are not a doormat, do not allow people to walk all over you. Speak with love and kindness to your dad, and tell him your concerns worries etc and if he still refuses, suggest some time apart, as I have said above. Most people whom are still in darkness, think Christians, can be walked over, which is not the case. You do have the right to say no, if you don't agree with others. But still go to prayer and seek advise from our Heavenly Father and ask How best to deal with these kind of situations.

I guess in submitting my opening post, i knew that the issue of forgiveness would come up. But why does it seem as if forgiveness means having to accept a relationship you don't want. I don't know why i feel revulsion towards my dad - but when he kisses me i find it gross. My dad obviously feels some tie to me, but i don't to him. I want some space from these horrid feelings and i want to heal from my past. My dad has already told me that i will never work again, that no man will find me attractive unless i lose a lot of weight, and that he wouldn't be happy about me driving my son on a journey because he didn't trust my driving. I guess i have some more forgiving here to do, but i don't want to listen to these kind of comments again which so undermine my confidence and self-esteem.

Do not allow people to rob you of your identity. You know your weaknesses and so does God and He still loves you. And you know what, God can strengthen us in our weaknesses, just like He did Paul

2Co 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

 

[rizen1]

Speaking from experience.
My Dad was not perfect, (very far from it ) but when I got saved I started seeing him differently, the Christ in me destroyed the resentment and place compassion. We didnt choose our Parents, but we are called to Honour them and be grateful we werent aborted.

Honour thy Father and thy mother.
Luke 18:20

Eph 6:2-3
2Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;
3That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth

I have nothing in common with him in interests. He seems to target young women - younger than his daughters - for sexual relationships and likes to lavish money on them until it all goes sour. He used to tell me about it until i plucked up the courage to tell him that i didn't want to hear about it.

My dad does not live a life pleasing to God, which is no surprise to me, because he is not saved. His mind is not under Christ, which means his fruits will not be of Christ. But I accept him and forgive him, because God sent his son to die for his imperfections, not just mine. We are all sinners at one point . Who am I to judge. Your concern should not be the women's age (I'm sure they're adults and go freely ) but the sexual sin.
Luke 6:37"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven .

boundary and say actually i don't really want to see this person? Should a person have a hold over you for the rest of your life because they are your biological parent

I'm sorry but your dad has no hold on you, your past does. Unforgiveness kills the soul. No one has the power over our lives but God. We choose our happiness, people hurt us but we forgive them to heal ourselves, not to get them off the hook. For God will judge them.
You said

My dad obviously feels some tie to me

this tells me he's trying let him try. How your dad treated you is a reflection to how he was treated growing up.

Love has no bondary or limit. Its understandable that there is alot of pain. But God already broke the chain,the bondage and pain from your past, but every time you look back, you get entangle with emotions, and can not enjoy the Freedom and live fruitful. Its good you're witnessing to him, it shows how much you care for him. Love him with understanding.
1 John 4:7-8
7Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
8He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love

Sorry to sound so cross - its just that in not putting a seatbelt on one of my son's group, he really acted irresponsibly and he just seems to have contempt for my opinions

Which one really bothered you, the seat belt or him not adhering to you opinions.


The space would do you well right now, but still allow the kids to see him.
Get into the word, let your Heavenly father counsel you, pray for him. This time of space is not to save you from him, but to prepare you to comfront him and fully love him so you both can have a relationship. If you honestly think you cant handle witnessing to him, ask God to send someone.

when he kisses me i find it gross. My dad obviously feels some tie to me, but i don't to him

When you forgive your dad and realise you're no longer a kid, but mature in Christ, his kisses would be sweet as honey. Let the past rest and enjoy the freedom you have in Christ. Your earthly father will fail you but our Heavenly Father would never. Stop looking at him as a sinner ( seeing him for all his faults ),but as your father, take your time and love him.

I pray that both our fathers come to Christ, and step up as fathers.
I recommend reading The Prayer That changes everything...by Stormie Omartian
God bless you.

Ephesians 4:31-32
31Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

 

[Rachel15]

Rachel, you are not a doormat, do not allow people to walk all over you. Speak with love and kindness to your dad, and tell him your concerns worries etc and if he still refuses, suggest some time apart, as I have said above. Most people whom are still in darkness, think Christians, can be walked over, which is not the case.

Do not allow people to rob you of your identity. You know your weaknesses and so does God and He still loves you.

Hi Word of Life, thank you for being so patient with me. I guess this is what a lot of the problem is - i just want to move on and change myself and i feel its so tough to do this with someone who won't change too and seems to have expectations of me.

I really would like some time apart from him, but i realise now its not just him that's the issue - of course, it's me.

I don't see that many people - i find most of my energy tied up in managing relationships from my past - like my dad, my ex who fathered my child, my child, my mum etc. I tried to get closer to other Christians at church but i was in a group with people overcoming mental illness - i didn't really connect with anyone in particular in this group, and the leader made it clear that her boundaries were not in having a friendship with her (which to be honest hurt a lot).

For me, relationships in the past have been about being hurt and let down. I don't really understand them.

I get the feeling that my relationships with my mum and dad are about me making them 'feel' good - since i've learned to listen to them and encourage them, but somehow my needs aren't met, maybe cos i've just learned to ignore any feelings i might have in our relationship. I know i'm an adult now and my childhood is over, but somehow i haven't grown and developed and i long to do this now. But when i've been in the position of wanting to grow and needing encouragement and support myself, they just haven't been there and sometimes their reaction has been basically negative. I think i want to protect myself from the hurt this causes before it happens again.

Well, i'm just kind of thinking out loud.

 

[Rachel15]

Speaking from experience.
My Dad was not perfect, (very far from it ) but when I got saved I started seeing him differently, the Christ in me destroyed the resentment and place compassion. We didnt choose our Parents, but we are called to Honour them and be grateful we werent aborted.]

Hi rizen1, perhaps if i had been aborted i would have gone straight to heaven? I have often prayed to God to please just take me because i've felt overwhelmed and unable to cope with life.

My dad does not live a life pleasing to God, which is no surprise to me, because he is not saved. His mind is not under Christ, which means his fruits will not be of Christ. But I accept him and forgive him, because God sent his son to die for his imperfections, not just mine. We are all sinners at one point . Who am I to judge. Your concern should not be the women's age (I'm sure they're adults and go freely ) but the sexual sin.
Luke 6:37"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven .]

I guess there are underlying reasons why it bothers me that the women are so young. He's told me that he wants to be a 'sugar daddy'. It hurts that he is willing to be some kind of 'daddy' to younger women he wants to sleep with, when my own needs for a daddy weren't adequately provided for. I also feel protective towards some of the women because they are almost certainly going to get hurt - a lot of them won't have anything to do with him after they've been involved with them. He has also told me explicitly what turns him on about young women - an insight i did not want. In the past i felt uncomfortable trying to be a friendly to a young woman when i knew the relationship was just temporary, so now i don't see him when he's with his girlfriend.

I appreciate what you are saying about not judging - it is sin and he hasn't been saved yet and sin is HORRIBLE. I just find it so difficult because he has wanted to share so much of it with me and, as a woman, i am uncomfortable about how he views women's bodies.

I'm sorry but your dad has no hold on you, your past does. Unforgiveness kills the soul. No one has the power over our lives but God. We choose our happiness, people hurt us but we forgive them to heal ourselves, not to get them off the hook. For God will judge them.

But my dad is still living as the same person he was in the past. I keep forgiving and praying and asking God to help me forgive. I agree that my past has had a hold on me in that i have been 'conditioned' to behave in certain ways to avoid pain or adjust to those relationships around me. Its difficult to change when reminders of the past through relationships keep coming up and i guess, i haven't really forged many new relationships with Christians. This is one reason why i plug into forums because i find relationships so difficult. You've said that 'we choose our happiness' but sometimes there aren't easy choices to be made.

Love has no bondary or limit. Its understandable that there is alot of pain. But God already broke the chain,the bondage and pain from your past, but every time you look back, you get entangle with emotions, and can not enjoy the Freedom and live fruitful.

How can i stop looking back? My life has been shaped by my past experiences? I am finding this difficult. When i became a Christian i had a huge weight problem from taking medication and comfort eating - i am still fat and i see all the consequences of this failure to cope when i look in the mirror. (Yes, i have tried to change and have now joined a gym although it takes a huge effort to walk in because of feelings of disgust & shame). Every time i look in the mirror i am reminded of the past. I have a son who doesn't live with me at present - another reminder of failure and the past. I am forty and i have no career, no permanent home, no pension, no husband, few friends - all reminders of the past. The consequences of my past didn't just get cut off when i got born again.

Which one really bothered you, the seat belt or him not adhering to you opinions..

The seat belt, but yes, as a mum wanting to behave responsibly, it bothered me that he didn't listen to me. I don't feel i can trust him.

The space would do you well right now, but still allow the kids to see him.
Get into the word, let your Heavenly father counsel you, pray for him. This time of space is not to save you from him, but to prepare you to comfront him and fully love him so you both can have a relationship. If you honestly think you cant handle witnessing to him, ask God to send someone.

I agree that i need space from him and i wouldn't stop my son from seeing him - in any event, i couldn't, since my dad would simply arrange to see him through my ex. I am not sure about what kind of relationship to have with him in the future - i am concerned that his idea of a relationship with me is not now what i would want.

When you forgive your dad and realise you're no longer a kid, but mature in Christ, his kisses would be sweet as honey. Let the past rest and enjoy the freedom you have in Christ. Your earthly father will fail you but our Heavenly Father would never. Stop looking at him as a sinner ( seeing him for all his faults ),but as your father, take your time and love him.

I pray that both our fathers come to Christ, and step up as fathers.
I recommend reading The Prayer That changes everything...by Stormie Omartian
God bless you.

Ephesians 4:31-32
31Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

I guess i am not mature in Christ yet. Thank you for posting - it stretched me to consider and reply. I do pray that both our fathers come to Christ.

God bless,

Rachel

 

[rizen1]

I will keep you in prayer sister, its easy for me to sit hear and talk, when I'm not in your shoes. But I know me praying for you will have an impact, so I will.

I've been in emotional bondage before, and it drained me.
Surrounding your self with the word and believing who you are in Christ is the first step. Your well being comes first, rejoice unto the Lord for he is good.

Spending time in worship, in God's presence refreshes my mind.
Take your time out.

God bless you, remain faithful and start loving you, God created us in his image.

 

[Ann]

Rachel15 I want to tell you about my dad and maybe you can learn something from it.

I'm going to be very honest, not to get any sympathy but to help you understand.

My father was an alcoholic his whole life. He assaulted my mother many times and she even landed up in hospital several times because of it. As children me and my 3 younger brothers would usually hide until it is quiet at home. He usually blamed me for everything that was wrong and I received punishment. One night when I was still very young he locked me inside my room with the light of - it was really scary because it was pitch black, I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. Till this day I am afraid of the dark.
He spent his money on alcohol and we had to go without many things.
He had affairs and even remarried the day after his divorce from my mother.
I was in St. 10 when we had a roaring fight because I wanted to give my mother some food. What happened was my mother left him and took two of my brothers with her. I did not go with her because I did not want to burden her with the responsibility. She did not have a proper education and did not earn a lot of money driving the van for the hospital.

I think this give you some idea of my life till my last year in school.
What I did after our last fight is - I left and refused to speak to him for almost ten years.

After being reborn I did not have the courage or freedom to contact him even after forgiving him.
When I eventually contacted him I found him to be the same person but because I changed I could look at him differently.
We managed to build a new relationship and I realized that I really loved him very much - he was my father even if he was the same person.

My father died 2 years after our reconciliation and the last time that I saw him alive he was drunk? Until this day (15 years after his death) I regret the years I missed with him because a poor dad is better than no dad at all. I miss him a lot and I'm crying while writing this.

You received a lot of good advice and you can implement it very easily.
But at the end of the day you alone must make the choice. Seek God's guidance to find His will for your relationship with your dad.
You will know it is the right choice when you have peace in whatever you decide.

I will pray for you, may God bless your family in abundance!

 

[4Given]

Hello

hello friend in Christ,i'm sorry for your situation with your dad.All i can say is pray for his salvation and pray you and him could have a better relationship.I lost my dad to leukimia a few weeks ago.I miss him alot but i know he is in Heaven now.You only have one dad,if possiable try to make a mends with him and spend time with him because daddy's dont last forever,unless there saved and on there way to Heaven.Hope this helps God Bless

 

[Rachel15]

Hi, i'm sorry i haven't responded sooner. I kind of closed off because i started a course today which i wanted to focus on. Thank you for your replies which have given me a lot to think about. I think i've wanted to stop the relationship because of uncomfortable emotions. Rizen1 you spoke about emotional bondage and i don't really know what that means but i wonder if this is it or something like it.
Maybe i need to spend some more time in prayer and forgiveness bringing things before the Father that hurt or frustrated or made me me angry.

 

[calluna]

Rachel15, Yes it is very important to 'empty our tank' daily just as you implied, through prayer. We are to pray without ceasing, about all things. Give it all up to the Lord.

The emotions that you are holding onto are damaging and poison to your spirit. It is important to release your dad to God, and everything that is connected to him. I can understand what he does probably repulses you and you have a compassionate and concerned heart for the young ladies. Do not underestimate the power of prayer. Always remember God is in control and He sees everything. Just stay faithful to the Lord, keep praising and worshiping our saviour. Trust and believe.

Jesus tells us not to forgive 7 times but 77 times. If you need to keep on asking God to help you to forgive, it is ok to continue to do so, we can't do it without Him, forgiveness isn't always a one time deal, because just like you are experiencing, that person may still continue to do and say things that hurt us, new offenses arise. So more forgiveness is required from us.

It is ok to distant yourself from your family so you can regenerate, to renew your spirit in Christ. We need that time alone to suit up, put that armour on, Ephesians 6. then we are prepared when those firey darts come our way, when we may have to return back into the ring.

Try and remember our past is our past, we must move forward, and re-programme our old thinking and our old ways. Romans 12:3 'Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind"

It takes time and effort, we are not to just read the Word of God, but read it, believe it, obey it and practice it. You must believe what the bible says about you and what you are capable of doing through Jesus Christ.

God bless you
:girl_hug: Calluna

 

[Rachel15]

Rachel15 I want to tell you about my dad and maybe you can learn something from it.

I'm going to be very honest, not to get any sympathy but to help you understand.

My father was an alcoholic his whole life. He assaulted my mother many times and she even landed up in hospital several times because of it. As children me and my 3 younger brothers would usually hide until it is quiet at home. He usually blamed me for everything that was wrong and I received punishment. One night when I was still very young he locked me inside my room with the light of - it was really scary because it was pitch black, I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. Till this day I am afraid of the dark.
He spent his money on alcohol and we had to go without many things.
He had affairs and even remarried the day after his divorce from my mother.
I was in St. 10 when we had a roaring fight because I wanted to give my mother some food. What happened was my mother left him and took two of my brothers with her. I did not go with her because I did not want to burden her with the responsibility. She did not have a proper education and did not earn a lot of money driving the van for the hospital.

I think this give you some idea of my life till my last year in school.
What I did after our last fight is - I left and refused to speak to him for almost ten years.

After being reborn I did not have the courage or freedom to contact him even after forgiving him.
When I eventually contacted him I found him to be the same person but because I changed I could look at him differently.
We managed to build a new relationship and I realized that I really loved him very much - he was my father even if he was the same person.

My father died 2 years after our reconciliation and the last time that I saw him alive he was drunk? Until this day (15 years after his death) I regret the years I missed with him because a poor dad is better than no dad at all. I miss him a lot and I'm crying while writing this.

You received a lot of good advice and you can implement it very easily.
But at the end of the day you alone must make the choice. Seek God's guidance to find His will for your relationship with your dad.
You will know it is the right choice when you have peace in whatever you decide.

I will pray for you, may God bless your family in abundance!

Thank you Ann for posting your story about your relationship with your father. Although my dad is still alive, i understand a little about grieving and i appreciate you writing. I think now i just need space from him so i can heal and bring this to God. I've been avoiding this because i think its going to be painful.

God bless,

Rachel

 

[Rachel15]

Hi calluna, thank you for posting - i appreciate your reply. To be honest i've avoided really going through my relationship with my dad with the Lord because i thought it would be exhausting and painful - i've been through something similar with another person from my childhood. I realise though now that i do need to do this and need to have some space from him for a while, perhaps while this is happening.

My dad seems to have a short memory in some respects and when i try and tell him that i don't want him to do something, for example, like swear, he just 'forgets' and still does it which is very frustrating and annoying. I guess i need to learn to be more assertive and simply say that it makes me angry and then forgive, without it being such a loaded issue.

Anyway, i appreciate you posting.

God bless,

Rachel

 

[Dreamer]

I disagree with some of the posts here. I do not agree that you have to honor your dad while he is dating these younger women. You do not have to make friends with his sleep-dates and you do not have to pretend that they are going to be anything more.

It is natural that you would be repulsed by him having so many relationships and sleeping with lots of women younger than yourself.

Forgive him, yes, but spend time with him???? Where does the Word say you have to spend time with him?

Your best time would be spent praying for him, and spending time with him alone, without his women. Let Christ shine from you. It is hard to let Christ shine from you when you are constantly exposed to his young ladies and your own father is sharing too much information, (i.e. telling you about his sexual needs and wants)

It is improper for your father to talk to you like that. I think you can leave the room when he does that.

Honor him, yes. Emulate his lifestyle, no.

Forgiving is not the same as accepting someone's lifestyle.

 

[Alicia]

I must say that I would have to agree with what rizen1 said earlier.

My father has done the same thing (womanized with younger and older women) but because I was never close to him and saw him only once a year, I tried to preserved our relationship as much as possible (he lives in another country). I always encourage him to choose just one person though no matter what age, as long as it is legal. If he introduces me to any of them I will be polite. At the end of the day I would like him to be happy but most of all I would like him to know God. About a month ago I asked him if he has plans of getting married soon, he said he’ll think about settling down soon.

No one should dictate anybody else’s life but instead pray and ask for God to guide them when your advice fails. He is an adult after all and we will all make our own choices no matter who says what!

I encourage you to love him and appreciate whatever good you have in your relationship with him. My father and I talk all the time now and it was not like that before (I thank God for that). As a Christian I will always try to love even when it is the hardest because that’s what we need to do so our light would shine before them and conversion may take place thereafter.

God Bless
Alicia