Looking for healing and answers

[nickles]

Over the past year I have met someone who became my "friend". She told me she would be here no matter what for me. I really looked up to her. She was a person who I went to advice but she offered it as well and told me to let her know if I ever needed anything. I didn't know her for very long but felt very close to her really quickly. I am in my late 20's and she is in her early 50's.

I went through a period where I was struggling with a lot of problems in my life and I really needed her. I think I kind of annoyed her or something because I called her a lot(not like everyday..but maybe ever 2 days for 3 weeks). Then one day she said something very hurtfull to me, she said that I needed to quit calling her so much. I felt like she offered her help and self and then when I did really need her she then told me I called her too much. She was the one that offered her help and made it a point to get close to me by asking me a lot of personal questions about my childhood/life/etc.(because we had only known eachother at this pt for 6 months) She told me that I could still call her but not as much. I told her she hurt me and that I just wouldn't call her anymore at all. Because I felt hurt and didnt want to bother her anymore and that is why I said that at the time because I was hurt. She then told me I could say bye to her alltogether or she would be there if I needed her as long as it wasnt all the time. So since she put it that way, I didnt feel welcome anymore and told her goodbye.

She hasn't talked to me since and I tried calling(Once), emailing her but she wont respond and went as far as to blocking my phone number from calling her. In the email I asked her to forgive me for saying good bye and I explained to her why I did. I got no response from her after apologizing to her 2 times and she didnt forgive me.

So here I am hurt again because she has ignored me and will no longer speak to me or respond. I have no bad feelings towards her and even told her that I would be hurt if she couldnt find it in her heart to forgive me but I would never hold a grudge or against her or be mad at her, just hurt. (this was all in the email). So about 2 months have passed and still no response and I pray all the time that she will speak to me again. I really looked up to her and she helped me get through a really rough time that I had going on in my life. I just want her back as a friend and she is having no part in it at all. I pray that I will move on and use this as a learning lesson and take it as positive thing because I learned a lesson. I just still feel hurt and cannot get over it. I dont know what to do as I pray and pray and pray with no feeling of peace with it. I am hurt and dont know what to do now other than wait but I just think about it everyday...any suggestions?

 

[j_sp]

It's Time to Move Onto Other Things

Nickles,

I know it can be difficult when someone has rejected you in any way, but it's important not to allow it to control you, when you have been rejected. Sometimes there may be seasons for individuals in your life (the Lord will allow for that at times - Ecc. 3:1-14). The best way to handle this is to focus on your relationship in the Lord because this is the most important relationship that you'll ever have. Get into reading the Scriptures and learning to hear God's voice and He will work with you in this time. You have to remember the Lord is a jealous God...with pure motives, for your benefit and good (jealous for your love; for your time with Him; and your dependency on Him - Deut. 4:24). This could be something that the Lord has done to your benefit because He wants you to go to Him for your help and not to depend on another person so much (as He should be your Comforter and Helper - John 14:26; Psalm 62:8). At times, we may not realize that we put things or people before God - and we shouldn't because that can make them as an idol before Him, which is not good (Deut. 6:5; Mark 12:30; Ex. 20:3).

Focus on your walk with the Lord now and ask the Lord to cut the ties from her (for spiritual purposes). This will help you move on and grow in the Lord for what is necessary now. At times the Lord will give us what we really need, not always what we want (as we do not know all that is good for us at the time... Prov. 21:2; Jer. 17:9).

I pray that the Lord will allow His Holy Spirit to speak to your heart clearly; that He would help you heal from anything that may be hindering you in your walk with Him; and that you would grow in understanding and discernment of His ways.

j_sp

 

[nickles]

Thanks so much for the response! Very good advice. You are right, I did feel rejected but the hard part now is the hurt I feel inside...I would never ignore someone like she did me. No matter how mad I was at someone and they were apologizing to me, I would at least take the time to say, "You know, I am mad right now, I appreciate your attempt to apologize, but right now I have to do whats best for me..." something of that sort. I could never ignore someone. That is what hurts...'

It's hard for me to get over someone who was the one who tried to get close to me and then when I needed them she totally turned her back on me. I feel like she tried to get close to me for her own personal reasons. I think she was trying to be nosy and once she heard what was going on with me she moved on and never turned back. I just dont understand how someone can be so hurtful...I am not like that at all

Where do I know where to start reading scriptures at? I have no clue where to start. I have been trying to move on from this situation for 2 months and I feel like I am getting no where. I will read the scriptures that you quoted. Thanks so much for your help..It is always nice to hear an outsiders point of view. I just want to be friends with her and really like her...WHY wont she talk to me

 

[Brighthouse]

Brother Nickles,Do you know what an idol is? Many of us had, had this same thing happen to us,I know it sure does not feel good at all!! So please do not recieve this as being mean!! because it is NOT meant to be taken that way at all! In my life, I had idols,an idol is anything or anyone that takes the place who you should be talking to,namly Jesus! Matt 28:11 says come unto who?? ME!! ALL (which includes you) who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest!

verse 29 Take whos? amen MY YOKE upon you and do what?? amen LEARN FROM ME!! for I am gentle and humble in heart and YOU!! Will find rest for YOUR souls. verse 30 For MY yoke is easy and my burden is light.

When this first hit me I thought wow!! I have been going to the wrong person for my troubles! People will always fail us, if we look unto them. 1 Cor 2:5 says so that your faith,would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the Power of God. Sometimes we need a mountain to fall on us before we understand what Jesus is saying.

And what he is allowing just so we will finally!! come to him! I do not know how old you are in the Lord,but a fine place to start for a new believer is the book of romans,here we see how we are before Christ,then as a believer ,how we struggle within us,and finally what we are to do, and who we are to look to in all areas of our life.

I hope this uplifts you! You have forgiven her!! You have done your part,do not carry that burden with you any more,it is not your sin to hold on to!! It is hers!! She lied,you did not,God will deal with her in his own good time,you just be concerned about your relationship with our Heavenely Father!! That is now your concern! Blessing to you Bro,hey all of us have faults,we just have to remember who really wants to hear them,and who really loves us enough to help us through them!! amen!

 

[stephen]

Reading your post the biblical phrase "shut the door" came to mind.

Many times this phrase is used in the scripture, used by Jesus also. The door was closed......To reject unbelief, to prepare for a miricle, to bring deliverance, to receive the blessing....etc.

Shut the door dear friend...and move on in God. He has promised never to leave neither forsake you.

Keep Jesus in mind for He is with you as you seek to keep close to Him

 

[nickles]

Thanks

I now know to look to god for answers and not people. I just wanted a friend to talk to. I know I can talk to god anytime and he is always here for me.

With her I just wanted a female friend, and since she is older than me I saw a lot of wisdom in her. She offered to be here for me and then when i needed her she told me that I was basically bothering her..so then I thought...why did she even bother to offer? She seemed sincere. The hard part is that I felt so "connected" with her. I really enjoyed talking to her and wanted to have some kind of bond with another female since I am married and have kids and no friends since I am so busy with my husband, kids, and work.

It bothers me because I apologized 2 times and no response AT ALL and when you are ignored I think it makes it harder. I just wonder if she realizes how much she hurt me...well actually when I emailed her to tell her sorry twice I told her that i wouldnt be mad at her if she didnt want to talk to me but I would be very HURT and she still ignored me. I think if I knew I was hurting someone by not talking to them but I didnt want to be friends with them...I would AT LEAST reply and say something like I am sorry but its just not right for us to be friends...

How can she hurt me and know it, and be ok with it??? I even asked her that I hoped that maybe one day she would find it in her heart to forgive me...I shouldnt worry so much about her but it really is hard to deal with. I am really trying and will keep praying. She cut all ties with me and I cannot even call her or anything because she blocked me from calling her. It was rude. I ask myself...why would I want to be friends with someone who is rude like this..well I think...because I can forgive her and move on ....in my heart I just wish she would talk to me.

 

[happyharold4]

"With her I just wanted a female friend, and since she is older than me I saw a lot of wisdom in her. She offered to be here for me and then when i needed her she told me that I was basically bothering her..so then I thought...why did she even bother to offer? She seemed sincere. The hard part is that I felt so "connected" with her. I really enjoyed talking to her and wanted to have some kind of bond with another female since I am married and have kids and no friends since I am so busy with my husband, kids, and work."

I'm a little confused---I think your profile says you are male and other posters are calling you brother---But according to this quote you are the wife right????---Have you not been able to make any new female friends at church or your kids friends parents etc---The lady may not be as cold as you think right now---She may have discerned that you were getting way too dependent on her and wanted you to seek the Lord directly instead of indirectly through her----Give it some time to heal and seek the Lord to help you confide in Him more for comfort----Try to realize the agony He went through as far as being rejected and betrayed----He loves you and understands completely the agony of your heart at the moment.

Happy

 

[::PreciousinChrist::]

Forgiveness

Dear Nickles,

Thank you for posting in this way. This is a crucial time for you to cleanse your heart and begin to focus on your relationship with Christ and trust in Him. He desires you at this time and always.

You see, you have made her an idol and it is vital that you ask the LORD to forgive you. It is also necessary that you forgive yourself by faith because when someone "rejects" you this way - you tend to reject yourself unknowingly.

I say "rejected" in inverted comas because she also has a relationship with Christ and she honors that relationship and so if God has instructed her to keep herself away from you then she has done that. ( You see, you need to understand from her point as well).
This way the LORD gives you time to fix your eyes back on Him.

However, carrying this unforgiveness towards her and yourself ( unknowingly) for two months means you need alot of time to forgive her and yourself.... and so when you do - slowly you will just begin to get all the anger out of you and you will literally feel that buried stuff in your heart coming out!!
yes take that time out.... thats the healing process you need (Forgiveness)

But thats not all, start reading the Word and get your focus on the LORD, if thoughts of her come then keep these scriptures 2 Cor 10:5, Exodus 20:3, Psalm 118:9 and Psalm 146:3


God bless you
may you be refreshed in His Love
PRE

 

[nickles]

I really appreciate your responses. It helps.

First of all I REALLY appreciate the responses, I feel like I have no one else other than my husband that I can talk to about this and he doesnt say much about it other than move on..well easier said than done. But I feel really like I have no one but him and god. I need someone else who isnt a family member that I can call and have a friend here on earth with. and OOOPs!!! Yes, I am female. I was wondering why I was referred to as brother. I am going to have to change that, sorry. I didn't realize that it said that.

I know she has to do what she is being led to do. I totally understand when you say rejected. Because you are right. Not only do I feel rejected by her...IT DOES make me reject and question myself. It makes me feel like a bad person. I have always been a person who doesn't take things "lightly". I am tender-hearted. But the strange thing is sometimes if someone wrongs me I can brush it off very easily and move on. It depends on who it is. Somone can purposely hurt me and it doesn't seem to bother me. For some reason this does. Like you said I looked up to her so she was like an Idol to me. She always came "off" as a person from when I first met her a year ago that seemed kind of bold, blunt, strong personality. A lot of people took her harshly but I saw the good in her. I saw this outside boldness that she came off as, as a way of covering up someone who has been hurt or is sensitive. I may be wrong. But I saw greatness in her. I saw the sensitive side in her that DID care about others although her personality came off as very short with people like she is tough I guess. I may be wrong with all of that and maybe that is considering judging her, but I saw what a great person she was. From what she had told me she had been through a lot in her life just like I have and I felt connected with her. I felt like I bonded with her like she was a motherly figure. It's like losing a best friend who wont talk to me and she was the one that initiated the friendship. It left me confused. I dont think she is a cruel person but I feel like she may be doing whats best for her but she is hurting me and she knows it because I told her. I will have to take it for what it is like you said, something must be leading her to stay away from me.

I will pray for her and myself and I really do wish well with her. It's one of those situations that I see as why did it have to end this way, we could be such great friends. She said to me once after she had gotten close to me(keep in mind she is like 20 yrs older) she said, "you know you are like one of mine now...." she has kids in highschool. I took it like she considered my like one of her children. It made me feel accepted and special that someone could take me under their wing...

I dont know what to think anymore. I am sure she has moved on. I feel like I have forgiven her. Because I feel no anger towards her just hurt...if she were to talk to me today, I wouldnt hesitat to speak to her.

So would you say that I can do nothing more?? I have apologized 2 times over email with no response and she blocked my calls. I asked my husband if maybe I should stop by her house to talk to her or email her again and ask if we can meet somewhere to talk and he said NO DEFINATELY NOT. Obviously she doesnt want to talk to me...but I was just thinking well maybe she would see how sorry I truly am even though I sincerely said it in the emails. I dont want to bother her by emailing her or going by her house, I dont want to "harass" her...which I would never do..but I am very sensitive and contientious of how I come off...I dont want to bother her.

No, I havent made any female friends at my church. This friend that I had is in the same profession as me and we have a lot in common. I am very open to meeting new people who are different than me(in different professions, etc) but I am shy so I have a hard time doing that. The friends I used to have from highschool are in different stages in their life and one is divorced, one isnt married and parties a lot...etc..this friend was settled down, worked alot, and has a husband too.

I feel really weird that this really bothers me still and I still thiink about it and havent moved on...I do think about it everyday. I think to myself, "Why am I obsessing over this so much" I not like to say "obsess" because I am not some weirdo, but really I do think about everyday like I said I lost a friend and I dont like leaving on "bad terms" (that we can never speak again). She obviously wanted to get to know me with all the personal questions she asked me about my past, etc. and then once she found out and I needed help with something she didnt want me to go to her as much.

 

[j_sp]

Nickles,

Some things that I could suggest to you may be helpful in understanding more of what you're going through and how to deal with it because it's something much deeper than just this one person's relationship you had. The Lord may have allowed for this to occur because He wants to heal you of it (the spiritual roots involved in it), and He's allowed for things to come to the surface in it...to reveal things to you (that are in your heart). From reading your posts I see a few things that stand out in which I think it'd be important to take to the Lord in prayer and allow the Holy Spirit to work with you on.

You seem to be going back and forth in understanding what's occurred. First of all, try not to focus so much on trying to 'figure her out...' why she did what she did. It will keep your focus off of things that are more important (like the Lord). Perhaps you're being too hard on yourself (thinking it's you). This could be the result of trying to please others too much. Instead, it's important to not look to man to give us our worth, but to God. Also, reasoning without God's leading can cause us to assume things in our own minds and over analyze situations (make things up about what we think has occurred when it really hasn't). It's best to reason with God on the matter because He will keep you focused on things that will be helpful to you...not drive you crazy with 'mind racing thoughts' of what if? Why? If I only did this...etc.

Some of the suggestions that might be helpful can be to study some stories in the Bible that involved rejection - about Joseph (what he went through, how he dealt with it, etc. ) another really important story...the one of Jesus. Our Lord was rejected by everyone. Perhaps in going through this, you will be able to walk through it with the Lord and understand more of how rejection hurts, how to deal with it, and overcome it so that it doesn't affect you as it has before. We don't understand that when we are not serving the Lord fully, we too reject Him. Imagine what that's like...and He's the best friend we could have to help us...has done everything for us He can...and we still turn our backs on Him at times!

Some Scriptures also to take a look at: Rejection: Psalm 142:1-2, 3a, 4-5; 1Peter 5:7; Psalm 27:10; 2Tim. 4:16-17. Here's where our acceptance comes in Christ: John 1:12; Isa. 49:15-16a; Deut. 31:8; Lev. 26:11-12; Josh. 1:5; Luke 12:6-7; Rom. 8:38-39; 2 Cor. 4:7-9; Philippians 1:6 Who not to abandon: 1Tim. 5:3-8; Matt. 5:44; Lev. 19: 17a, 18; John 16:1-4

A few books also, which may be helpful to you also: "Overcoming Rejection," by Frank Hammond or "End of Rejection," by Chris Hayward or "Breaking Free From Rejection," by John Paul Jackson.

This is a time of healing for you...allow the Lord to reveal to you what He wants to show you, and do His good work within your heart. It's not just about her...He knows what you need.

j_sp

 

[nickles]

Thanks again for your help and kind words. I am hoping to heal from whatever it is internally that I am dealing with(which makes me feel again that it is my fault) but I am going to read these scriptures that you all wrote down, pray, and hopefully time will heal my pain.

I will still again pray for her to be blessed in whatever she does. She is a good person and I know it. So do you agree that I should let her be and not try to go talk to her in person or email her again to see if she would like to talk in person? Or leave it be???

I will also try and look for the books that you suggested, that sounds like a good start. I just got done reading a book about forgiving.

I am so glad you took the time to help me get through this, it truely helps me see from the outside which is great because all I feel like I can see is my own pain and internal struggle with this.

 

[::PreciousinChrist::]

Dear Nickles,

You seem to be thinking too much about her... and that too over two months! Be free from the past.

Though you may not forget the past, you certainly can be free from it through forgiveness. The fact that you are not angry yet still hurt is an evidence that you still haven't forgiven her completely from your heart by faith!

She may not even say to you that she has forgiven you or anything - but you must do your part - be sharp with yourself. Don't let unforgiveness take dominion over you because you are giving room to the devil.

I believe that Forgiveness is your part in this situation, because there is no point in going to her and asking forgiveness via different medias and igniting that flame of friendship which seperates you from your personal walk with Jesus Christ. Let God help you grow in this area with understanding...

The feeling that you are "bad person" is just a lie from the devil, making you think that God is not pleased with you or loves you for what you have done. As I said earlier, when someone rejects you this way - you reject yourself unknowingly ( therefore forgive youself) and also think that God has rejected you!!!which He never will.
Know that God loves you, He accepts you and has forgiven you through Jesus Christ. You mean everything to Him.

You have been given alot of scriptures, write them down and study them and take them in your heart...

Psalm 103, 1 Peter 5:6-7

God bless you
be healed

PRE

 

[nickles]

Do you ever feel like you are getting no where? I feel like I keep praying about this and giving it time but nothing is getting better. I am still hurt. This person made it a point to get close to me just to turn her back on me, it makes no absolute sense why she would do this.

It may sound as if I am mad, I am not, I am just so confused on the motives that people have and how they act. I am to the point I dont trust anyone. I dont want to get close to anyone anymore. I just want to have my husband and kids and the people I work with, etc. I dont want to let anyone "in". I mean like get close to me in fear of that I am going to get hurt again. This person asked some really personal questions about me and made it a point to get close to me and knows information a lot of people dont know because I trusted her when she asked. I dont want to trust anyone anymore. Or have any close interpersonal relationships with anyone but my family. I am hurt and the fact I cant even talk to her makes it way worse. She has probably moved on and already forgotten that I have even existed and here I am dwelling when i KNOW I shouldnt be.

I just want to shut myself out to the world except for my family. I am a happy person dont get me wrong I am a happy person persay, but I wont let anyone "in" again, its not worth the heartache

 

[SpiritLedEd]

I am hurt and dont know what to do now other than wait but I just think about it everyday...any suggestions?

Proverbs 11:14 tells us there is safety in a multitude of counsellors. Instead of leaning on one person, find a group of ladies you can share and counsel with so that in the event one can't be reached, one of the others may be available to speak with you.

Spirit Led Ed (SLE)

 

[kevin50]

Hi, Turn your focus on Jesus He is the answer to all your problems.
He longs to talk with you, walk with you. A one on one relationship and true friend that will never let you down.
Discuss everything with him, he holds you in his palm. You are his child.

God bless

 

[nickles]

So what does it mean when I now keep seeing her all the time. Usually like 2 times in one day and then a week later 2 times again in the same day.

I am not sure if she see's me or not, because it is usually in a big area where ther are alot of other people. But I will see her and keep walking but we never make eye contact so I am not sure if she see's me because we walk by eachother(not directly by eachother) but from like across the room...? What does this mean now that I am seeing her all the time?

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

Hi Nickles,sad to hear about this painful freindship but I think you may have come across someone with mental/emotional issues.
That kind of behavior is not normal.It can be really difficult if not impossible to find any rational reason for some peoples actions.

I think your a pretty good judge of character,it seems you spotted a symptom of an underlying issue at the onset.

I saw this outside boldness that she came off as, as a way of covering up someone who has been hurt or is sensitive

Fear of rejection can also cause people to be overly sensitive and seem to have the ability to just switch emotional attachments.
People like this feel smothered when they start to feel attachment.

So what does it mean when I now keep seeing her all the time. Usually like 2 times in one day and then a week later 2 times again in the same day.

I think that's the meaning of awkward.

Certainly pray for her well being.
As for her being any kind of help.I think you would be relying on a broken crutch.

That being said you should get your peace and joy back.
Jesus endured the suffering of the cross for the joy set before him.


I suggest letting your husband be your friend and best friend.
You might have to teach him how to be a good listener.

I pray that the Holy Spirit bring you peace ,comfort and the joy of the Lord.May he guide your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

 

[nickles]

Fear of rejection can also cause people to be overly sensitive and seem to have the ability to just switch emotional attachments.

What did you exactly mean by that? Did you mean I am overly sensitive or her? And what do you mean by switching emotional attachments?

thanks for your help!

Should I go to her house and try to talk to her? Maybe being in person would make a difference? i just dont want to be like a werido that shows up to her house...

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

I was talking about the person you are experiencing rejection from.
Someone who has suffered rejection can end up fearing to let anyone get close enough to hurt them.They can tend to be very passionate about something and suddenly lose interest.

It's difficult to say why she just cut you off like that,the point is this person does not sound stable.
What she did is not normal so stop beating yourself up.
I have to agree with your husband and advise not contacting her.

 

[nickles]

Following up

this post was started awhile back. I just wanted to follow up. I am still having trouble letting this situation go.. I am not sure why I am being so stubborn about it. I think it is because it's the situations that dont have answers are the hardest to let go of. It was just weird the way this all happened and ended up. I was re-reading some of the answers you guys gave me and truly appreciate the feedback. It made me feel better that I just didnt take the situation the wrong way...what I mean is...I thought I was the one who maybe mis-read some of the stuff that happened and that maybe she was just being nice and I took it the wrong way...anyone else can help? i have been doing what I feel like all I can and feel like I am getting no where.