Brothers (even sisters), I am looking for no-nonsense straight forward answers/advice. I won't be offended by any words of yours.
I am ordained. I just got ordained this year. I do not know a time in my life after my salvation/conversion experience when I did not felt called to the ministry. Even when I backslid, I knew in my heart that I would end up in ministry. When I rededicated/repented I knew in the back of my mind that I would end up in ministry. I went to seminary and am serving with my denomination. With my wife, we are missionaries/church planters.
I am married. I got married a few years ago. I met my wife at the seminary. She is very industrious. And she is continuing her education in counselling. We have no children yet (maybe never).
I am angry. Most of the time (not every time), I make a mistake my wife tears me down. Like today, we took a cab from our place to go to the doctor's clinic (for her). But driver misheard me and took us the other direction. I thought he would take a detour but he wasn't. He told us that he must have misheard me (Maybe because of the mask I was wearing). I got angry at him, I told him off. We ended up walking back towards our home and caught another cab and went to the doctor. My wife starts accusing me of not ever being audible when I talk, for swallowing my words when I talk, for being incompetent (maybe I am), for not caring, for always planning to spoil her plans, what is the reason for us always not ending up in some trouble... So, I got angry at her too. So we went to the doctor's angry. When we get back home she tells everyone how dumb I am.
But when she makes a mistake, she laughs it off like it does not matter. For example, once on a holiday, we went shopping and paid by my debit card. I handed the debit card back to her as I was handling the shopping bag. When we went back to the hotel she asked me for the debit card. She thought that the card was with me. I also thought that I had the card with me because she was asking for it. Of course, it was not in my wallet or anywhere else. She's angry at me and started saying all the similar words as above. I even called the store and they said that they did not have it. While I was talking with the store on the phone she took the card out of her purse and showed it to me. Imagine my relief and anger (more relief than anger). But she just smiled and even told me not to tell anyone about the incident. So I was just relieved that the card was not lost.
On top of my anger, I have lust in my heart/mind/thoughts. I am so frustrated with porn and masturbation. I feel like a wolf in sheep's clothing. And the judgment of God will be extremely severe on me. I am angry and frustrated because of this. Since my wife has joined her studies again (her decision - not ours - which is another story) we are not having sex. Sometimes I can't even touch her or kiss her. This too makes me turn to porn, not just the anger.
Somebody talk to me. I don't have a mentor or an accountability partner. Pray for me.
