Wife is lying but swears she isn't, I need some guidance

[verefx]

My wife and I have been married for nearly 30 years. Up until about 5 years ago you could count the number of fights we had on one hand.

Then I strayed far form the Lord and got involved with drugs. Needless to say this did a lot of harm to my family and marriage. My wife stuck with me through it all but I believe somewhere along the way she got fed up with my constant relapsing and decided to have some fun outside of our marriage.

There are so many things that tell me she has cheated on me a few times during the time I was still using drugs but in spite of all of the evidence, she swears she hasn't done anything.

Phone calls, texts, finding her phone number on sexual dating websites, finding marks on her body, etc... many things that tell me she has been with someone else..... but again, she swears she has done nothing.

This is eating me alive and straining our marriage because I do not trust her now and I question her about it on a weekly basis hoping and praying that one day she will finally spill the beans.

Is there a chance she is telling the truth? I am 99% sure she is lying but if she isn't, then she is the biggest victim of circumstance in the world... these things that tell me she is lying are very real and I do not see how in the world any of them could have happened without her knowing something about how they happened.

Anyway, we fight on a daily basis... I am considering suicide because I just can't go on hurting inside the way I am.. it is killing me.

We are both Christians and up until 5 years ago we both had trust and respect for one another but that all changed and now we do not trust one another at all.

I do not know how to handle this anymore because it eats away at me like a cancer and I can't control my thoughts at all.

I need help in the worse way... we have tried councelling before and it didn't work because my wife refused to do the things the councellor told us to do.

What do I do? I am literally dying inside... can't sleep, can't eat, and I am in constant pain mentally and physically.

Someone please help me.

 

[Dreamer]

How did you find your wife's name on sexual dating websites? What were you doing on those websites?

I doubt she has been having much fun while you were taking drugs.

Something about your post just seems to scream that you are fabricating a story. Your facts and feelings don't match up. Forgive me if I'm wrong.

 

[JehovahDaughter]

She is still with you, isn't she? If she wanted to leave you there is nothing stopping her from leaving, considering the fact that you've had a lot of drug problems in recent years. The one major thing that would keep someone putting up with so much problems from another person is love. I am also curious to know how you found her number on a dating site. What were you doing on the site?
Even if she was lying, would her telling you that she cheated on you make you feel better? I am not saying that adultery is okay under any circumstance. Maybe the both of you have been neglecting each other. You and your wife are supposed to be ONE. If you feel so horrible to the point where you want to kill yourself, you should be talking to your wife and more importantly Jehovah. And I am not saying accuse your wife of all manner of things, I mean tell her how you are feeling and ask her how she is feeling. Get to the root of your problems and the both of you try to sort out your problems TOGETHER, with prayer and supplication. If you don't communicate with your wife about your inability to eat or sleep or whatever, how is she supposed to know? How is she supposed to know that you are going through mental pain and whatnot? These are just my opinion, but the most important factor in my opinion is that both of you need to pray together and seek God's help. If you have a church that you go to, see your pastor and ask him/her to provide marriage counselling for the both of you. I know you already said you received counselling previously, but maybe receiving it from a Christian would put things on a different perspective for your wife, so she can fully participate.

 

[Brighthouse]

Hi Verefx Let me understand you here. You admit you made some mistakes, that is good.But now because of the drug use,you wish to judge your wife?? With you in your present condition, how can you logically look at your wife in judgment? IF and I say IF she did do this,whose fault would that have been? HERS?? Or is it possible IF!! she did do this because, you drove her away to do this? So now forgiveness needs to be had with each other. Because you have been out of it through your drug use,now you wish to point a finger??

Is this because of the guilt you have within yourself? Just questions brother,not a judgement! We can only give what we our selfs have to give. Drugs may help for our situation,but never help the mind, or others, who have to put up with a person who cannot think clearly.A wife is to follow the example of her husband,and if that husband has become a bad example,then she becomes your result.That which man can clearly see! So he points to what he himself has created in her? I loved to point at others after I myself made mistakes as well!It made me feel better at the time,but later as I was disciplined by the Lord because of this,i knew I myself made the mistake,and I myself through our Loving Jesus needed to make amends to others I have hurt.

Sometimes it is harder to ask for forgiveness from another,then to be asked. But that is being a man. Pride comes before a fall.( proverbs 16:17-18) And believe me brother!! We all have taken this fall sometime during our life! So now, do we build more fences higher so we can only see our own will, our own needs,our own wants?Or do we allow the Lord to tear down our fences once and for all. Allowing Jesus to mend both you and your wife? These are just some thoughts my brother! I do not know you at all or your wife. These questions I had to answer for me.

I was not married at the time,but sure did hurt many people by what I had become through drug use as well. I sure will be praying for you,I strongly suggest that you get yourself right before the Lord,and then heal the relationship the drugs changed you into. Please do not consider taking your own life.This is not the answer! For there are many with such problems as yours as well. Taking ones life just sends you from one hell to another.And the second one, one sees is far worse then the first one! But that is just what the devil wants you to do!( John 10:10)Ask Judas,he was a thief,(john 12:6,John 13:29)then he made matters worse by taking a bribe,he felt so bad he took his own life,and Jesus then said in matt 26:24 It would have been good had he never been born! You are loved brother!!

We all need to understand what forgiveness truly is,before we can ever do it!(matt 18:21-35) In the world we speak much to others, but never do anything as you have seen yourself! In Christ we Do first! Then speak! In this way, our words of grace, and love have much greater power to help another in! It is by these words in which I speak humbly to you in. I judge you not! I only ask you to DO what I had to learn!( 2 cor 13:5) test yourself first! examine yourself! For by this act good brother,can we only help another in doing the same thing. I hope I have helped you,and I hope you help yourself by letting Jesus love you more and more each and everyday!amen

.

 

[verefx]

Thank you BrighHouse, I appreciate the words of wisdom... As for the two other post asking me how I found her name on this website... I found it because her phone went of one day (text notification) and she asked me to see what it was because she was busy in the kitchen.... when I looked at it, it was from a number I didn't recognize and had a message "hey girl, how you doing? Are you available?" Needless to say I was not happy. hen I asked her to explain it, she said that she didn't know what it was...so, being the paranoid person that I am, I called our cell phone provider and asked them to tell me where that text originated and they gave me the name and website address of a sexual dati8ng website. WHen I went to it, I performed a seach of her number and it her number came up with a profile and 10 other messages from men.

As for the person above saying I "fabricated" this story.... Why would I waste my time fabricating a story like this? Sound's this site has some pretty judgmental people on it... I admit I am a drug addict (been clean for 110 days BTW) and I have made many mistakes and if my wife has cheated on me I know it is because of the things I have done... but that still doesn't make it right. In order to have a good marriage there has to be trust and no secrets. if she has cheated on me REGARDLESS of the reason, I do believe, just like I did, needs to admit she did it and ask me to forgive her.

 

[verefx]

I can't believe you would even say something like that on this site.... and you are a moderator???? Christians get a bad rap because of people like you.

 

[JehovahDaughter]

@verefx did you ever consider that she might actually be telling you the truth? Did you see her picture on the profile? People who cheat are usually very paranoid about stuff like mobile phones, facebook, twitter and the likes. If she was cheating, it's unlikely that she would have asked you to check who was calling her phone. She would have rushed from the kitchen and grabbed the phone...if she was cheating. This is only my opinion.

 

[verefx]

I have, but how did her number get on that website and her profile name was "Arizona Playgirl" - We moved from Arizona to Alabama 4 years ago... so how did her ALABAMA phone number show up on that site with an Arizona profile name? WHat are the odds that this is a coincidence? and someone who doesn't know her did that?

 

[JehovahDaughter]

Maybe someone she knew from Arizona used her number...I like to give people benefit of the doubt; I know what it feels like to be accused constantly of something that one has not done. I think you should be asking your wife these questions if this is really bothering you and tell her what you have found out, if she still says she didn't do it, maybe...just maybe she didn't do it. Nonetheless, i'm still going to advise you to pray on this firstly and ask God to give you peace of mind...whatever it is that your wife will tell.

 

[Brighthouse]

110 days!!! EXCELLENT!!!! Brother!! I am proud of you!! Instead of blame to either you or your wife,it is a time to heal,and even as you came to love each other so much when you both started,do so again! Jesus loves you both, and so do we in him!! Blessing bro! Stay in the Word,and the Word will stay in you! AMEN!!

 

[stephen]

My heart reaches out to you. Heartbreaking trauma indeed.

My Pastor has a phrase........Much Prayer = Much Power. Little Prayer = Littlr Power. No Prayer.....and then he smiles.

If you pray for an hour each day, asking the Lord to help you both.


The situation will change dramatically.

 

[verefx]

Stephen, thank you so much for the kind words and sharing the quotes. It means a lot.

 

[Zinnia]

My heart goes out to you. Since marriage is such a central part of life, it hurts a great deal when the plans and dreams for your relationship don't turn out as you had hoped. It's great that you've reached out for help. While working for Focus on the Family, (you may have heard of them) I found many wonderful articles and resources that I have used in my own marriage and have passed on to others. Since this forum limits me from providing a link to their website, I suggest you do a search for Focus on the Family and click on "Marriage". While browsing these articles, I trust the Lord will direct you to some helpful advice.

Even though you mentioned that you've seen a counselor, I would encourage you to talk with one from Focus on the Family. They are caring Christian licensed counselors that you can speak with over the phone (at no cost to you). To reach them you can call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT).

I pray for a breakthrough in this situation so that you and your wife will have a thriving marriage that glorifies the Lord. (((Hugs!)))

 

[faithfulservant]

Verefex, don't go to people with these issues. They're way too important and the ramifications are too profound. Please, I'm begging you, get on your knees and cry out to God. He will straighten this whole mess out. You're asking questions that really aren't going to bring any peace or promise. God can, and will, reconcile you and your wife back to right standing (irregardless of what has happened, as it seems perhaps you've both fallen short of what God has called us to). Cry out to God, Jesus will give you both peace and work His amazing reconciliation between you two. Don't wait anymore. Take all the frustration, pain, wounds, heartache, and fear and cry out to God. He will fix this whole thing.

 

[verefx]

Verefex, don't go to people with these issues. They're way too important and the ramifications are too profound. Please, I'm begging you, get on your knees and cry out to God. He will straighten this whole mess out. You're asking questions that really aren't going to bring any peace or promise. God can, and will, reconcile you and your wife back to right standing (irregardless of what has happened, as it seems perhaps you've both fallen short of what God has called us to). Cry out to God, Jesus will give you both peace and work His amazing reconciliation between you two. Don't wait anymore. Take all the frustration, pain, wounds, heartache, and fear and cry out to God. He will fix this whole thing.

I beleive you are absolutly right my friend. I have done this but felt like my prayers just weren't getting through. I know that isn't true, but I drifted so far from God I have a very hard time praying. I will do as you suggested though, regardless of how I feel. Thank You

And I will also look into the focus on the family stuff as well.

Thank You All!

 

[Boanerges]

My friend, if you and your wife are willing to work through this and have a fresh start then I suggest Pastoral counseling. Most Pastors have a lot of experience with this type of issue, if privacy is a concern talk to a Pastor outside of your area. You are in my prayers.

 

[MariaA102]

This is what I see from your situation, so you went down what I like to say the black hole and honestly we all go down there and get lost and your wife was by your side threw this all which shows her loyalty towards you. I feel threw this it caused you to be paranoid and worry about her and what has she been doing since you have been focusing on yourself and your needs. Now I don't think its fair to snoop and find information that may hurt you in the long run, Because it will just hurt you more in side. I just feel if she said she is not doing wrong behind your back you should just respect that and trust her, she is your wife, Stop pressuring her cause she will get fed up and tired and possibly just do it or just leave the marriage. To always dwell on the same situation you wont grow from it. The Arguing and Fighting situation I don't think thats helpful, Talking your issues out is important. Maybe your Relationship is at the ending of its Road or this is just something that is going to make you both stronger. You just have to get out of your head and stop letting negativity consume your Life and just let the light of God in and ask for his guidance. Good Luck and God Bless.

 

[verefx]

This is what I see from your situation, so you went down what I like to say the black hole and honestly we all go down there and get lost and your wife was by your side threw this all which shows her loyalty towards you. I feel threw this it caused you to be paranoid and worry about her and what has she been doing since you have been focusing on yourself and your needs. Now I don't think its fair to snoop and find information that may hurt you in the long run, Because it will just hurt you more in side. I just feel if she said she is not doing wrong behind your back you should just respect that and trust her, she is your wife, Stop pressuring her cause she will get fed up and tired and possibly just do it or just leave the marriage. To always dwell on the same situation you wont grow from it. The Arguing and Fighting situation I don't think thats helpful, Talking your issues out is important. Maybe your Relationship is at the ending of its Road or this is just something that is going to make you both stronger. You just have to get out of your head and stop letting negativity consume your Life and just let the light of God in and ask for his guidance. Good Luck and God Bless.

What you say makes a lot of sense and this has been bringing me down so much. The hardest part is just not knowing for sure and wondering if she will do something in the future but I know I can't keep dwelling on that if I want us to be happy. Thank you for the kind words and wisdom.

 

[MariaA102]

What you say makes a lot of sense and this has been bringing me down so much. The hardest part is just not knowing for sure and wondering if she will do something in the future but I know I can't keep dwelling on that if I want us to be happy. Thank you for the kind words and wisdom.

As I Learned you should not be concerned about what is going to happen in your future for it is already written out for you, Just live in the present and deal with what is going on in the moment. I am guilty towards this cause I am always concerned about my future as to where am I going etc but I need to stop being so focused on where am I gonna end up and is it gonna be better cause than in the moment I am just worrying, I think its just a sense of curiosity that we all have installed in us, I think of it like Christmas where we want to know what we got for Christmas and open the Gifts before Christmas cause we are so Curious and sometimes we can open those gifts but life just don't work that way, we want to know everything good is gonna come along but those are just things God doesn't want us to know and we sometimes are selfish to push that button to get into our future but by doing that it will most likely hurt us so living in the moment is always promising and the future is not always promised to us. You will never know for sure what she is gonna do or is thinking unless she tells you and people's minds or state of thinking changes she could be going threw something secretly and she don't want to share with you because she knows you are going threw your own struggles and she don't want to burden or worry you about hers, I just hope you both are able to meet eye to eye cause closure is always important, Anyway I will keep you in my prayers! God Bless

 

[verefx]

As I Learned you should not be concerned about what is going to happen in your future for it is already written out for you, Just live in the present and deal with what is going on in the moment. I am guilty towards this cause I am always concerned about my future as to where am I going etc but I need to stop being so focused on where am I gonna end up and is it gonna be better cause than in the moment I am just worrying, I think its just a sense of curiosity that we all have installed in us, I think of it like Christmas where we want to know what we got for Christmas and open the Gifts before Christmas cause we are so Curious and sometimes we can open those gifts but life just don't work that way, we want to know everything good is gonna come along but those are just things God doesn't want us to know and we sometimes are selfish to push that button to get into our future but by doing that it will most likely hurt us so living in the moment is always promising and the future is not always promised to us. You will never know for sure what she is gonna do or is thinking unless she tells you and people's minds or state of thinking changes she could be going threw something secretly and she don't want to share with you because she knows you are going threw your own struggles and she don't want to burden or worry you about hers, I just hope you both are able to meet eye to eye cause closure is always important, Anyway I will keep you in my prayers! God Bless

That's it!! "Closure.....This is why I want to know for sure if she is lying to me and if she cheated on me so I can forgive her and have closure.... as long as she keeps telling me she didn't do these things when I have so many things saying she is lying it is super hard to let it go beause as long as I think she is lying I can't have closure on any of this......do I deserve it if she did? YES... if she has I brought it on myself but that doesn't make it right and in order for me to have piece of mind, I need to know the truth. Thank you