Thank you everyone. The Christian walk can be so hard sometimes. This is the area that I messed up the most after I backslid and disobeyed the lord. I can see clearly now why this happened. Part of me was very broken after my first marriage ended. I was suicidal and in a very dark hole dealing with family problems, self-identity issues, spiritual warfare, and at the same time, and I was very desperate to meet someone, because of all the trauma I experienced, and I ended up in really stupid and messy situations.
It was so difficult for me to read my bible. Every time I was reading the bible, I just felt God is calling me to let it go, but I was not listening to the Holy Spirit. It was a massive inward battle for long months. I knew we needed to separate. I was fornicating with him repetitively. I had to make a decision to choose God, or him. I was desperately praying for him. I begged and begged and begged God to change his heart, and I even was angry at the lord for a while. I was asking the lord why he is not showing himself to him. God showed me he was trying to bring him closer to him, but he likes so many worldly things, and he won’t give up on them. God did everything to reach out to him, but honestly, I feel it may take a miracle or the rapture to save this man. I tried everything I could.
He is so very stubborn, and he persecuted me many times, especially after I stopped having the sex. This is why God was pressing on my heart to let it go. He prayed once with me, but was so angry with me later. He even refused to witness my baptism. I kept delaying this because I thought this would open his eyes about this sudden change in my lifestyle, but he did not care, and kept attacking my faith. Also, most of the things he criticizes come from his Catholic upbringing. No matter how much I try to tell him about Jesus or the bible, he will not show any respect at all. There are so many problems that are impossible to ignore now, but I can’t say I’m surprised. This was not a God ordained relationship after all. He is not happy about me because I do not participate in the things we used to do. Also, he is lying to his friends left and right and telling them I broke up with him. He came the other day to pick the rest of his stuff, and it got physical. I was telling him in love how I want to keep him and my faith, but he ignored me, and said nothing. I got into this depersonalization state, because of all the stress, and I was screaming loudly, crying, and yelling at him. I was in so much pain. I did not know what to say or how to react there, and he pushed me so hard to the floor. I noticed a bruise later in the morning. I was very depressed that I had to go live with my parents the next day. I did not even tell my family how bad this was because I was still hoping to fix it. Sad thing I already miss him badly, but I need to move on. There is no way a Christian could be happy with unbeliever. God does not bless these soul ties. I believe it will always end up in a heartbreak.
I felt very sad for trying to justify my sin on these forums before. Please forgive me. I’m fasting now, praying and reading the bible. I am starting to feel some peace. Soon I’ll be attending at my church. Sad thing we need to sign for attendance these days.
