Goodness and I have been called a fundamentalist Fenn you quote yet another scripture about women keeping quiet in church but asking their husbands at home! (sorry I can't copy and paste yet!)
What if a woman is married to an unbeliever? What if she can't ask a husband at home?
The forum rules mention backing everything up with scripture. I try to follow them and it usually leads to less confusion. I am sorry if you think I am a prude fundamentalist who just doesn't understand the society we live in. I don't believe the word of God changes because of society. We should be changing because of the word of God.
As to the woman who is married to an unbeliever.
Although, this is a completely separate topic.
2 Corinthians 6
14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
She is already doing something that is advised against. Let us say that in the extreme she became a believer and her husband did not.
1) I would advise her of 1 Corinthians 7:12-14
12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
2) I would show them 1 Peter 3, this describes their position as women of God.
1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement
3) This should be on display for her unbelieving husband
Galations 5:22-23
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
4) There doesn't seem to be any precedence for a woman in this position seeking spiritual guidance from her husband. I would say to first and foremost consult God the Father. Then I would suggest trying to find a way to abide the guidelines and still get the help she needs. Possibly one way is to meet with the pastor and his wife to ask questions.
I don't see the jump from your situation, an extreme, to a situation that puts a woman at the head of a church.