Finally Realize What My Problem Is - Don't See A Better Place To Post This

[Arabhorselover]

Hi. All my life I have been struggling to figure out what in the world is wrong with me. Why do I feel the way I do about myself? Why is it that nothing anybody has ever said to me has made any difference in my opinion of myself? Why do I have to spend my life feeling so miserable? I'm 54 years old, and for some reason today I think I have finally figured it out. I believe I have suffered from Body Dysmorphic Disorder for as long as I can ever remember.

I have known of this disorder, but I always thought it was a person feeling bad about something that wasn't even real. I had something real. I had an eye that turned in my whole life. I had a reason to feel lousy about myself. I really was repulsive to look at. I also realized other people with similar things didn't let it ruin their entire life. Now I realize that my depression, my anxiety, my overeating - everything has been caused by this disorder.

So how do I deal with this now? How do I deal with the knowledge that so much of my life has been ruined by this? How do I deal with what this has done to the people in my life? My husband and my children. The guilt is killing me. Also, being a Christian my whole life I am struggling with whether I could somehow have done something different. Is this is some way oppression form the Evil One? And if so, should I have resisted somehow? And how do I live with the fact that I didn't get help for this sooner? I eventually got help for depression. I tried many different things over the years for the over eating. I went for help, but the real issue was never addressed because I just couldn't talk about it.

At this point I can't even get support from my husband, because he is so tired of nothing he says making any difference. He can't stand to see the way I put myself down, and he doesn't feel like anybody could make me happy.



So how do I deal with this now? How do I deal with the knowledge that so much of my life has been ruined by this? How do I deal with what this has done to the people in my life? My husband and my children. The guilt is killing me. Also, being a Christian my whole life I am struggling with whether I could somehow have done something different. Is this is some way oppression form the Evil One? And if so, should I have resisted somehow? And how do I live with the fact that I didn't get help for this sooner? I eventually got help for depression. I tried many different things over the years for the over eating. I went for help, but the real issue was never addressed because I just couldn't talk about it.

At this point I can't even get support from my husband, because he is so tired of nothing he says making any difference. He can't stand to see the way I put myself down, and he doesn't feel like anybody could make me happy.

arabianhors

 

[Christ4Ever]

Hello @Arabhorselover

First I have to ask. How do you think that Jesus sees you?

You are God's creation. Awesome, and one who became whole on that day that you were filled with the Holy Spirit. On the day you were cleansed by the Blood of the Lamb. The day you became His and He became yours.

You might see your husbands frustration. Do you think he or your children love you for the thinks that you haven't done? No. They love you for who you are. In spite of everything in the past or even because of everything in the past. You are who you are now and they love you.

Who in looking at the past of their lives couldn't find something that they would have done differently? Been a better person? A better Christian? Not done this? Done this instead? We were never perfect and for the time being are not now perfect either. So what do we do? Until the day we are glorified we pickup our Cross daily. Not allowing, the past to make the present worse, but rather better for the experiences we have gone through. That we might use the very things that we look as being a deficiency as an event that may allow us today to serve our Lord, our family, our community in a way that will glorify God.

Paul persecuted Christians before coming to the Lord on the road to Damascus.
Peter rejected Him three times! Even after He was told that he would too!
So many of us were never who we wanted to be before Jesus' who now can be by being in Him and He in us!
We just have to let Him.

Always remember. He has never turned or rejected us ever! Nor will He!

Answer the question yet? How do you think that Jesus sees you?

He sees you as he's always seen you. Wonderfully perfectly made dear sister! With a love that put Him on the Cross and such power, authority that He rose again! Confirming everything He ever said to you, to me, to the world!

Don't look at the past for what could have been!
Instead. Look to the future, the goal He has set for us!

The past is part of what has made you who you are now and through Christ Jesus. To a wonderful future! Indeed! A very wonderful future!
Don't be down, but lift yourself in praise who made you and loves you!

Grab your husband and your children and let them know how much you love them!

We all have our moments. Let this be yours and now move forward in Grace and Love that our awesome God has showered upon you!

Give Him all the Glory & Praise! You'll feel better for it. Just like your family will as you shower them with the same love our Lord has brought upon your spirit this very moment you finish glorifying Him in prayer & song!

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Psalm 139:14

Truly know that you are a loved one of every Brother & Sister you have in Christ Jesus!
YBIC
C4E
<><

 

[Arabhorselover]

Hello @Arabhorselover

First I have to ask. How do you think that Jesus sees you?

You are God's creation. Awesome, and one who became whole on that day that you were filled with the Holy Spirit. On the day you were cleansed by the Blood of the Lamb. The day you became His and He became yours.

You might see your husbands frustration. Do you think he or your children love you for the thinks that you haven't done? No. They love you for who you are. In spite of everything in the past or even because of everything in the past. You are who you are now and they love you.

Who in looking at the past of their lives couldn't find something that they would have done differently? Been a better person? A better Christian? Not done this? Done this instead? We were never perfect and for the time being are not now perfect either. So what do we do? Until the day we are glorified we pickup our Cross daily. Not allowing, the past to make the present worse, but rather better for the experiences we have gone through. That we might use the very things that we look as being a deficiency as an event that may allow us today to serve our Lord, our family, our community in a way that will glorify God.

Paul persecuted Christians before coming to the Lord on the road to Damascus.
Peter rejected Him three times! Even after He was told that he would too!
So many of us were never who we wanted to be before Jesus' who now can be by being in Him and He in us!
We just have to let Him.

Always remember. He has never turned or rejected us ever! Nor will He!

Answer the question yet? How do you think that Jesus sees you?

He sees you as he's always seen you. Wonderfully perfectly made dear sister! With a love that put Him on the Cross and such power, authority that He rose again! Confirming everything He ever said to you, to me, to the world!

Don't look at the past for what could have been!
Instead. Look to the future, the goal He has set for us!

The past is part of what has made you who you are now and through Christ Jesus. To a wonderful future! Indeed! A very wonderful future!
Don't be down, but lift yourself in praise who made you and loves you!

Grab your husband and your children and let them know how much you love them!

We all have our moments. Let this be yours and now move forward in Grace and Love that our awesome God has showered upon you!

Give Him all the Glory & Praise! You'll feel better for it. Just like your family will as you shower them with the same love our Lord has brought upon your spirit this very moment you finish glorifying Him in prayer & song!

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Psalm 139:14

Truly know that you are a loved one of every Brother & Sister you have in Christ Jesus!
YBIC
C4E
<><

Thank you very much for the reply. I guess I've always felt that Jesus (God) was disappointed when he looked at me. I've always felt that not only was I not doing anything whatever He wanted me to do with my life, but that I didn't even know what I was supposed to be doing. I know I felt that already as a young child. I've always felt that He wouldn't help me because of that. Already as a child I felt I must have been put on this Earth to suffer, since I didn't seem capable of doing anything else. I've never been strong enough to rise above my pain.

 

[Christ4Ever]

Thank you very much for the reply. I guess I've always felt that Jesus (God) was disappointed when he looked at me. I've always felt that not only was I not doing anything whatever He wanted me to do with my life, but that I didn't even know what I was supposed to be doing. I know I felt that already as a young child. I've always felt that He wouldn't help me because of that. Already as a child I felt I must have been put on this Earth to suffer, since I didn't seem capable of doing anything else. I've never been strong enough to rise above my pain.

Always remember that the strength you seek is not your own. It will never be enough.
It will only be through Him that you will have sufficiency.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

The suffering you received was either from others or yourself. Never from God. We will never be as good, or do enough, to achieve what "we" believe is needed to be worthy.

As I stated before you are wonderfully made. It is how you see yourself and how others reacted to you that also placed you in a position that you see yourself as being less. No not from God. Never.

In the uniqueness that is you, not even knowing you. He has given you a spirit of compassion, of a servants heart! Many of us long to have these qualities. Yet you do. Rejoice!

Always remember this. John said in John 3:30 He must increase, but I must decrease.
The more your focus is placed on Jesus instead of on yourself. The more you will be able to see yourself as He sees you.

I pray that these words. May help you know that you are loved for who you are and not for some belief of what you could have been or done.
YBIC
C4E
<><

 

[Arabhorselover]

Always remember that the strength you seek is not your own. It will never be enough.
It will only be through Him that you will have sufficiency.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

The suffering you received was either from others or yourself. Never from God. We will never be as good, or do enough, to achieve what "we" believe is needed to be worthy.

As I stated before you are wonderfully made. It is how you see yourself and how others reacted to you that also placed you in a position that you see yourself as being less. No not from God. Never.

In the uniqueness that is you, not even knowing you. He has given you a spirit of compassion, of a servants heart! Many of us long to have these qualities. Yet you do. Rejoice!

Always remember this. John said in John 3:30 He must increase, but I must decrease.
The more your focus is placed on Jesus instead of on yourself. The more you will be able to see yourself as He sees you.

I pray that these words. May help you know that you are loved for who you are and not for some belief of what you could have been or done.
YBIC
C4E
<><

Thank you for all of your words. You are correct. My family does love me. My husband will support me as much as he is able. He is one who tends to believe that a person should be able to pull themselves together and not feel sorry for themselves. He would never dream of going for any type of therapy. He has never been depressed, however.

I am trying hard to be grateful for all of the good things in my life, but it has been really hard lately.

 

[Christ4Ever]

Thank you for all of your words. You are correct. My family does love me. My husband will support me as much as he is able. He is one who tends to believe that a person should be able to pull themselves together and not feel sorry for themselves. He would never dream of going for any type of therapy. He has never been depressed, however.

I am trying hard to be grateful for all of the good things in my life, but it has been really hard lately.

@Arabhorselover

That is why your focus, prayers, are with the one who will help you past these times when sadness, hardship seem to overshadow the blessings you have in your life. Sometimes scripture will help remind you of the help that is there just for the asking.

He was the one who brought you to Him - The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, [saying], Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. Jeremiah 31:3

He hears you - Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me. Micah 7:17

He will respond - And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If ye shall ask anything in my name, I will do it. John 14:13-14

So don't be troubled/worried - Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

Keep your focus on the Lord and He will guide you in how you need to go - Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

When those thoughts start to creep up on you. Beat them back. Memorize some scripture that you can use during those times. Even when it seems your own mind is telling you something else. God's word is powerful. One of my favorites is Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. The reason why is because when Paul wrote these words. He was in Prison!

If you haven't read Philippians. May I suggest you do so. He wrote this to a church he had established in Philippi. To thank them, but also to strengthen them by showing them that true joy comes from Jesus Christ alone. That is why if you focus on Him, it will realign everything else as being secondary to Him, and less important. It will give you a better perspective, and hopefully an understanding that will lift you up!

I will pray for you, as I'm sure others here at Talk Jesus will also do. Just remember that you are not alone, or helpless in the circumstances you find yourself in. This is temporary and you are not without hope!
YBIC
C4E
<><

For the which cause I also suffer these things: nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day. 2 Timothy 1:12

 

[vina]

Hi @Arabhorselover,

Jesus loves you is not based on your physical appearance. I spend most of my life thinking I am ugly, I don't like to see my self in the mirror. When I was younger, my mother and father would often say to me " if your eyes don't look so sloppy like that u will look pretty", "can you press your front teeth when you remember it so you don't have that protruding teeth?" Even my own mother take me to cosmetic surgeon when I was 22 for my eyes to get operated, which only last for few years, and now my eyes back to previous shape. So basically, I don't have good impression about my self.

When you focusing on yourself, you will find so many faults, distortion, etc. but when you put everything on the cross and look at Jesus. Nothing is matter anymore . In Galatians 2:19-20 For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God. 20"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.…

I have experience depression as well, through darkness, self harm and the feeling wants to gave up comes to me too many times. The only hope I have is Jesus, and many times I can't say anything in prayer but just calling out for Him and He always there, most of the time I don't know or feel, but He is there with me, because He is so faithful even though I am faithless.

Now, I have a husband and children as well, so, I put my self last, which it's easier for me as I don't have time to look at my self.

I also experience guilt, as I have been living my life is not according to. God's way. But I learnt Christ + nothing is salvation. So it's all grace and there is no man's work that can buy our salvation . Jesus paid it all.

Everyday, life is still full of struggle, but Jesus is still the same and He is so good to us.

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain Philippians 1:21. Philippians 1:21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

 

[Chad]

Check this out...

Proverbs 8:21-23
21 Those who love me inherit wealth.
I will fill their treasuries.

22 “The Lord formed me from the beginning,
before he created anything else.
23 I was appointed in ages past,
at the very first, before the earth began.

Titus 3:4-6
4 But - When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, 5 he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. 6 He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior.

Some useful links to view

Depression: The Fear of Mental Breakdown
20 Encouraging Bible Verses to Battle Depression
Handling Depression
audio - Hope as a Helmet

 

[Shutterbug]

@Arabhorselover

John 10:10
The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Trust me, beating yourself up for mistakes or lingering regrets can be devastating as you will never accomplish anything worthwhile and feel good about it. Worse, opportunities will slip by and time is unforgiving. As I often say, "I don't need help getting into trouble; I can do that all by myself. If misery loves company I always have people for support: Me, Myself, and I".

Besides self-confidence, the other item you seek is personal joy. You just have to find that niche that returns the joy in your life you lack.

Matthew 7:7
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

Revelation 3:20
Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

Confucius once said that every journey begins with a single step. Find small projects, pray about them, work on them, sing while working on them, and feel good about them trusting that God is guiding your hand. It's all about faith, Luv. You have abilities and talents. Let God use them for His kingdom, and you will feel good about yourself knowing you are on the right path.

Cheers,
John

 

[Arabhorselover]

@Arabhorselover

That is why your focus, prayers, are with the one who will help you past these times when sadness, hardship seem to overshadow the blessings you have in your life. Sometimes scripture will help remind you of the help that is there just for the asking.

He was the one who brought you to Him - The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, [saying], Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. Jeremiah 31:3

He hears you - Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me. Micah 7:17

He will respond - And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If ye shall ask anything in my name, I will do it. John 14:13-14

So don't be troubled/worried - Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

Keep your focus on the Lord and He will guide you in how you need to go - Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

When those thoughts start to creep up on you. Beat them back. Memorize some scripture that you can use during those times. Even when it seems your own mind is telling you something else. God's word is powerful. One of my favorites is Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. The reason why is because when Paul wrote these words. He was in Prison!

If you haven't read Philippians. May I suggest you do so. He wrote this to a church he had established in Philippi. To thank them, but also to strengthen them by showing them that true joy comes from Jesus Christ alone. That is why if you focus on Him, it will realign everything else as being secondary to Him, and less important. It will give you a better perspective, and hopefully an understanding that will lift you up!

I will pray for you, as I'm sure others here at Talk Jesus will also do. Just remember that you are not alone, or helpless in the circumstances you find yourself in. This is temporary and you are not without hope!
YBIC
C4E
<><

For the which cause I also suffer these things: nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day. 2 Timothy 1:12

Thank you. I really need to believe all of this struggling is temporary, but it has just gone on for me for so long.

 

[Arabhorselover]

Hi @Arabhorselover,

Jesus loves you is not based on your physical appearance. I spend most of my life thinking I am ugly, I don't like to see my self in the mirror. When I was younger, my mother and father would often say to me " if your eyes don't look so sloppy like that u will look pretty", "can you press your front teeth when you remember it so you don't have that protruding teeth?" Even my own mother take me to cosmetic surgeon when I was 22 for my eyes to get operated, which only last for few years, and now my eyes back to previous shape. So basically, I don't have good impression about my self.

When you focusing on yourself, you will find so many faults, distortion, etc. but when you put everything on the cross and look at Jesus. Nothing is matter anymore . In Galatians 2:19-20 For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God. 20"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.…

I have experience depression as well, through darkness, self harm and the feeling wants to gave up comes to me too many times. The only hope I have is Jesus, and many times I can't say anything in prayer but just calling out for Him and He always there, most of the time I don't know or feel, but He is there with me, because He is so faithful even though I am faithless.

Now, I have a husband and children as well, so, I put my self last, which it's easier for me as I don't have time to look at my self.

I also experience guilt, as I have been living my life is not according to. God's way. But I learnt Christ + nothing is salvation. So it's all grace and there is no man's work that can buy our salvation . Jesus paid it all.

Everyday, life is still full of struggle, but Jesus is still the same and He is so good to us.

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain Philippians 1:21. Philippians 1:21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Thank you so much for your kind words, Vina. You speak a lot of truth. I just have to learn to believe it. It is so hard for me to accept that God can love me despite all of my failures and lack of faith.

 

[Arabhorselover]

@Arabhorselover

John 10:10
The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Trust me, beating yourself up for mistakes or lingering regrets can be devastating as you will never accomplish anything worthwhile and feel good about it. Worse, opportunities will slip by and time is unforgiving. As I often say, "I don't need help getting into trouble; I can do that all by myself. If misery loves company I always have people for support: Me, Myself, and I".

Besides self-confidence, the other item you seek is personal joy. You just have to find that niche that returns the joy in your life you lack.

Matthew 7:7
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

Revelation 3:20
Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

Confucius once said that every journey begins with a single step. Find small projects, pray about them, work on them, sing while working on them, and feel good about them trusting that God is guiding your hand. It's all about faith, Luv. You have abilities and talents. Let God use them for His kingdom, and you will feel good about yourself knowing you are on the right path.

Cheers,
John

You are totally right, of course. I have been beating myself up for about as long as I can remember, and I'm almost 55 now. So much of my life has passed me by. I struggle with how to live with the regrets and move on. I wanted to do better in so many ways, and I have always felt that God wanted so much more from me than I've ever been able to give. I started feeling that as a young girl. His disappointment in me.

 

[Shutterbug]

You are totally right, of course. I have been beating myself up for about as long as I can remember, and I'm almost 55 now. So much of my life has passed me by. I struggle with how to live with the regrets and move on. I wanted to do better in so many ways, and I have always felt that God wanted so much more from me than I've ever been able to give. I started feeling that as a young girl. His disappointment in me.

The past is history. It cannot be changed as much as we may like to. I've read recently that in so many words, people generally tend to return to the elements which work against them. My opinion is they seek what is familiar. They don't like it, but it's a comfort zone they have learned to cope with existing in survival mode. Some companies hire motivational speakers because unhappy employees are not very productive. Their job is to keep the creative energies flowing by distracting the troops from unhappy thoughts. People read motivational books for a good reason.

So, what motivates you? What gets your creative juices flowing? What gives you the desire to rise and greet another day? What makes you glad to be alive, and inspire others to do likewise? It doesn't have to be grandiose such as working toward world peace or saving the environment. Even just spending time training horses, looking after them, spending time with the grand kids, or spending time alone working out a problem. There must be something God can work with and use for His kingdom. The question is, will you work with Him? When you think about it, what is truly stopping you?

You can give what God wants. All He wants is your love for His will in your life. A single step, Luv. The Boston Marathon begins with but a single step. His yoke is easy, and his burden is light although I readily agree that some days are much easier than others. God will not abandon you. He does not want to lose you. Give him a chance. Besides your comfort zone, what have you got to lose? Phil 4:8. Cheers, John

 

[Arabhorselover]

The past is history. It cannot be changed as much as we may like to. I've read recently that in so many words, people generally tend to return to the elements which work against them. My opinion is they seek what is familiar. They don't like it, but it's a comfort zone they have learned to cope with existing in survival mode. Some companies hire motivational speakers because unhappy employees are not very productive. Their job is to keep the creative energies flowing by distracting the troops from unhappy thoughts. People read motivational books for a good reason.

So, what motivates you? What gets your creative juices flowing? What gives you the desire to rise and greet another day? What makes you glad to be alive, and inspire others to do likewise? It doesn't have to be grandiose such as working toward world peace or saving the environment. Even just spending time training horses, looking after them, spending time with the grand kids, or spending time alone working out a problem. There must be something God can work with and use for His kingdom. The question is, will you work with Him? When you think about it, what is truly stopping you?

You can give what God wants. All He wants is your love for His will in your life. A single step, Luv. The Boston Marathon begins with but a single step. His yoke is easy, and his burden is light although I readily agree that some days are much easier than others. God will not abandon you. He does not want to lose you. Give him a chance. Besides your comfort zone, what have you got to lose? Phil 4:8. Cheers, John

Well, you have been making me think - as hard as that is! I've been trying to think of what motivates me. Not much, I'm afraid. I am somewhat motivated to get out of bed if I am going someplace other than work, or just another weekend of doing work at home. That rarely happens, though. I really don't mind getting up for church. I feel good there.

I used to be motivated by my three boys when they were young, but now the youngest is 18. They don't need me much anymore. On Saturdays I do try to cook a breakfast for them and my husband. I also do other cooking on the weekends. No much during the week. Too busy with work, my commute, exercise, shopping, etc. My husband works in another state, and is only home 3 days per week. When he is here he is crabby and busy. I have to take care of a lot of things that I would maybe have his help with if he were here more, but I doubt it.

I used to get enjoyment out of my animals, but now they are mostly just another chore I have to do everyday. And I only do the bare minimum I have to do to keep them healthy, which I feel bad about. One of my birds needs more attention from me. I used to love to read, but pretty much all I ever read anymore are books about how I can improve myself so that my husband and I might get along better, or how I can get closer to God. I don't seem to have much success with either one of those things.

Creative juices??? I don't think I've ever had any of those.

 

[Christ4Ever]

@Arabhorselover
Too often we get too busy doing things to actually start living. We actually start believing that these things are what living is about. Nope.

You have a family. Moms rule the roost! Husband only there 3 days and he's crabby & busy?
Let him know since he's only home three days, that he has to share them. :glasses: Brook no nonsense. Resistance is futile, but in a loving way of cause!

Day 1: Family day. Kids, husband, and you. Do something as a family. If kids are living at home then they cooperate with family day An activity that can be done jointly. Also, include some time to pray together! Meals, before heading out in the car, before going to bed etc. Make time to thank the Lord for everything including each other! Nothing more powerful then praying as a family!!!!

Day 2: Dad's day. He can do whatever he wants to. You and the kids let him be. Wants to lounge, work on projects, etc. His day. You can pray him up on these days, that he will find rest, peace.

Day 3: Mommy & Daddy's day. Picnic, walk out in the park, golf, horse riding, etc. Whatever you used to do before, after you got married that brought you joy in being with each other. Praying and thanking God for the other. Even through the rough times. This is beneficial in many ways. It reminds both of you of the things that you love about the other. Also, it will be some positive that he can take with him as he heads back out for another 4 days of being away! While he's away he'll be looking forward to the day he gets to come home to be with you and his family!

Time: This is the commodity that nothing can purchase. No amount of money, work, etc. Can give you an additional minute of time. Thank God for the time you have with all of them, and try to use it wisely. Mothers in the family at times with everything else they have to do (multi tasking times infinity) are also part of the glue that keeps everyone working together, with much guidance from the Holy Spirit. That is why you spending time and being right with the Lord is so important. Therein will be your strength, your peace, your comfort and sustenance.

Stay faithful!
YBIC
C4E
<><

 

[Arabhorselover]

@Arabhorselover
Too often we get too busy doing things to actually start living. We actually start believing that these things are what living is about. Nope.

You have a family. Moms rule the roost! Husband only there 3 days and he's crabby & busy?
Let him know since he's only home three days, that he has to share them. :glasses: Brook no nonsense. Resistance is futile, but in a loving way of cause!

Day 1: Family day. Kids, husband, and you. Do something as a family. If kids are living at home then they cooperate with family day An activity that can be done jointly. Also, include some time to pray together! Meals, before heading out in the car, before going to bed etc. Make time to thank the Lord for everything including each other! Nothing more powerful then praying as a family!!!!

Day 2: Dad's day. He can do whatever he wants to. You and the kids let him be. Wants to lounge, work on projects, etc. His day. You can pray him up on these days, that he will find rest, peace.

Day 3: Mommy & Daddy's day. Picnic, walk out in the park, golf, horse riding, etc. Whatever you used to do before, after you got married that brought you joy in being with each other. Praying and thanking God for the other. Even through the rough times. This is beneficial in many ways. It reminds both of you of the things that you love about the other. Also, it will be some positive that he can take with him as he heads back out for another 4 days of being away! While he's away he'll be looking forward to the day he gets to come home to be with you and his family!

Time: This is the commodity that nothing can purchase. No amount of money, work, etc. Can give you an additional minute of time. Thank God for the time you have with all of them, and try to use it wisely. Mothers in the family at times with everything else they have to do (multi tasking times infinity) are also part of the glue that keeps everyone working together, with much guidance from the Holy Spirit. That is why you spending time and being right with the Lord is so important. Therein will be your strength, your peace, your comfort and sustenance.

Stay faithful!
YBIC
C4E
<><

Thank you for the wonderful advice. It would make a world of difference if we did these things. Trouble is, there is no way he would agree to do them. These are things I have been dying to do all these years, but he either does not see the importance of them, or just will not take the time for various reasons.

 

[Shutterbug]

@ Arabhorselover

Thank you for the wonderful advice. It would make a world of difference if we did these things. Trouble is, there is no way he would agree to do them. These are things I have been dying to do all these years, but he either does not see the importance of them, or just will not take the time for various reasons.

Do either of you have any hobbies? I appreciate when one works away from home much of the week, it compresses one's time for personal activities. One or more can be put into a personal rut as a routine develops. Having been in the Navy and been away for several months at a time with young children several thousand miles away, Mother becomes accustomed to being in charge. Dear old Dad walks in the door and now he wants to be in charge until he's called away again. Where one's priorities lay will ultimately determine whether that time at home is happy or not. I have known couples married 25 years to divorce because of living separate lives and their lives became more about themselves than living with each other. I'm not wishing that for you.

Can I make a suggestion? You know your husband's routine better than us. Is it possible to periodically make a dinner date for just the two of you, say once a month? As C4E suggested, time can be cycled so the entire family can spend time together. I'm happy to leave that to your discretion as to how.

If Hubby doesn't have a problem with your attending church services and you look forward to them, please continue doing so. It's a single step to restoring the joy your family is perhaps missing out on. If there is joy in your heart, it will show.

I like your signature. In the life of a child of Christ, it has a lot of truth. Don't give up, Luv. Matt 7:7.

 

[Arabhorselover]

@ Arabhorselover


Do either of you have any hobbies? I appreciate when one works away from home much of the week, it compresses one's time for personal activities. One or more can be put into a personal rut as a routine develops. Having been in the Navy and been away for several months at a time with young children several thousand miles away, Mother becomes accustomed to being in charge. Dear old Dad walks in the door and now he wants to be in charge until he's called away again. Where one's priorities lay will ultimately determine whether that time at home is happy or not. I have known couples married 25 years to divorce because of living separate lives and their lives became more about themselves than living with each other. I'm not wishing that for you.

Can I make a suggestion? You know your husband's routine better than us. Is it possible to periodically make a dinner date for just the two of you, say once a month? As C4E suggested, time can be cycled so the entire family can spend time together. I'm happy to leave that to your discretion as to how.

If Hubby doesn't have a problem with your attending church services and you look forward to them, please continue doing so. It's a single step to restoring the joy your family is perhaps missing out on. If there is joy in your heart, it will show.

I like your signature. In the life of a child of Christ, it has a lot of truth. Don't give up, Luv. Matt 7:7.

I really like talking with you, Shutterbug, I will get back to you when I can. I am at work now, and tonight will be very busy with getting ready to go out of town tomorrow. I will be back Monday night. Hope to get back to you on Tuesday.

 

[Arabhorselover]

@ Arabhorselover


Do either of you have any hobbies? I appreciate when one works away from home much of the week, it compresses one's time for personal activities. One or more can be put into a personal rut as a routine develops. Having been in the Navy and been away for several months at a time with young children several thousand miles away, Mother becomes accustomed to being in charge. Dear old Dad walks in the door and now he wants to be in charge until he's called away again. Where one's priorities lay will ultimately determine whether that time at home is happy or not. I have known couples married 25 years to divorce because of living separate lives and their lives became more about themselves than living with each other. I'm not wishing that for you.

Can I make a suggestion? You know your husband's routine better than us. Is it possible to periodically make a dinner date for just the two of you, say once a month? As C4E suggested, time can be cycled so the entire family can spend time together. I'm happy to leave that to your discretion as to how.

If Hubby doesn't have a problem with your attending church services and you look forward to them, please continue doing so. It's a single step to restoring the joy your family is perhaps missing out on. If there is joy in your heart, it will show.

I like your signature. In the life of a child of Christ, it has a lot of truth. Don't give up, Luv. Matt 7:7.

My husband has lots of hobbies. Unfortunately I don't have much interest in them. He loves gardening, restoring old tractors and vehicles, working with wood, and collecting coins. I have always loved animals, and currently have birds and guinea pigs. I also love to go camping, go out to eat, and go for walks. Also like to read a lot. He does not like to spend money eating out very much, has no time to have any animals, and probably wouldn't have any anyway, doesn't feel he has much time to go camping, and doesn't believe in walking just to walk. We don't agree on things to watch on TV, and he doesn't read the same types of books as I do. So not much to talk about. I don't get into gardening because the bugs are terrible at our house, and I just can't take it. I also do not handle heat well. I do help with taking care of the stuff when it is ready, though. We do go to church every Sunday that we are able, but he does not have any interest in associating with any of the members there, or attending any church-related events.

I do feel that we lead quite separate lives, even though he is generally home every weekend. With me not being very much of a disciplinarian, the boys don't do much on the days when he is gone, so when he is home he is trying to catch up on everything that should have been done during the week as well as all of the other things he feels he has to do while he is home. He has way too many projects going, way too much stuff to deal with. I feel bad that he has had to be the bad guy with the kids, but I guess I have done the best I could.

I can't get him to go out on any "dates" with me except to go for lunch during my work day on Fridays sometimes when he comes to town to go the the bank, etc. It's not the best, since it is always rushed, and he is generally trying to get me to deal with some type of business at the same time. I know he would rather not even do it, but he's trying to please me. We are generally both feeling stressed, and often get annoyed at each other while we are there. He doesn't feel he can take the time at any other time.

Pretty hopeless case, huh?

 

[Shutterbug]

My husband has lots of hobbies. Unfortunately I don't have much interest in them. He loves gardening, restoring old tractors and vehicles, working with wood, and collecting coins. I have always loved animals, and currently have birds and guinea pigs. I also love to go camping, go out to eat, and go for walks. Also like to read a lot. He does not like to spend money eating out very much, has no time to have any animals, and probably wouldn't have any anyway, doesn't feel he has much time to go camping, and doesn't believe in walking just to walk. We don't agree on things to watch on TV, and he doesn't read the same types of books as I do. So not much to talk about. I don't get into gardening because the bugs are terrible at our house, and I just can't take it. I also do not handle heat well. I do help with taking care of the stuff when it is ready, though. We do go to church every Sunday that we are able, but he does not have any interest in associating with any of the members there, or attending any church-related events.

I do feel that we lead quite separate lives, even though he is generally home every weekend. With me not being very much of a disciplinarian, the boys don't do much on the days when he is gone, so when he is home he is trying to catch up on everything that should have been done during the week as well as all of the other things he feels he has to do while he is home. He has way too many projects going, way too much stuff to deal with. I feel bad that he has had to be the bad guy with the kids, but I guess I have done the best I could.

I can't get him to go out on any "dates" with me except to go for lunch during my work day on Fridays sometimes when he comes to town to go the the bank, etc. It's not the best, since it is always rushed, and he is generally trying to get me to deal with some type of business at the same time. I know he would rather not even do it, but he's trying to please me. We are generally both feeling stressed, and often get annoyed at each other while we are there. He doesn't feel he can take the time at any other time.

Pretty hopeless case, huh?

Challenging, yes. Hopeless, no. When I say that my God can do anything, his only limitations are his own nature and my willingness to play. My God also means our God. Trust me, He has been far better to me than I have been to Him.

The situation with you husband in some ways reminds me of the relationship between my wife and I. She used to do tole painting and I would cut out figurines for her to paint. Her eyesight has worsened and now deals with dialysis, but we still collaborate on projects. My wife is from Montreal and hates bugs, especially spiders. I'm originally from Saskatchewan and being eaten alive by mosquitos was the norm. Playing King of the Hill on a manure pile was not out of the question. I was walking into the back yard last Wednesday afternoon and a spider had built a web across the walkway. I have a rule with spiders and that's if it builds a web where I have to walk, I'll break the web in the hope the spider will relocate. Later on at twilight and having forgotten about my arachnid friend, I was walking into the back yard not looking for a spider's web. I could hear strands snapping and felt webbing on my hand. Great! Where's my little buddy? I look down and he's swinging on a thread and begins working his way up. Sorry little buddy, but you're out of here. With that, I swung my arm downwards and it hit the ground. Pausing a second, it began walking toward the same plant it had anchored part of its web to. I haven't seen it since.

My shed is a small wood shop and besides tole painting projects for my wife, I've made step stools, a light house for a nurse, a cabinet for an old table saw which belonged to my wife's late brother-in-law, a wishing well, a table for toddlers, and I'm currently working on a cradle for our daughter-in-law. My other joy is spending time doing CAD drawings and transposing sheet music to song. Believe me, I can spend a lot of time by myself. My wife does home dialysis five times a day and plays Pogo. I prefer to watch documentaries while she watches Family Feud, Criminal Minds, and a few other TV shows which I don't have the patience for.

Camping. If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Seriously. Even as a Cub and even a Scout many moons ago, life was never a dull moment and I didn't have to try to get into trouble; it came looking for me. The only time my wife and I have gone camping was a number of years ago. We got a tent and rented a camping spot. The next morning, the heavens opened a bit. We awoke to a minor flood in the tent. Minor set back, but not the end of the world. We got a fire going for breakfast. The fire pit was located underneath a tree. While we were frying bacon, water would periodically would drop down from a tree. At one point, enough water fell to disperse the bacon fat and we had a fire inside the pan as well as below it. It just so happened I knew of a restaurant run by a lady I had previously played darts with. So, the morning wasn't a total loss as my wife met the owner and a former team member. We had a great time.

Stress can be brought on by a number of things. It gets passed on so others also get stressed. One good thing although I appreciate your husband's desire to avoid interaction at Church, is that he does support your going to Church. I believe he enjoys your company and likes spending time with you despite your differences. Unfortunately, he has so little time to do so. I also feel that he would rather be busy. We can't have it both ways.

Some people are disciplinarians while others are not. To some extent, it depends on our nature and how we were brought up. They say opposites attract. If you think about it, a marriage (relationships in general) are about bringing two people together with different backgrounds and creating a third background for their descendants to grow up with.

Your case is not hopeless. Fixing the problems may not happen overnight, but with prayer and diligence, changes can happen bringing you, your husband, and your children into a happier relationship within yourselves and with Jesus. Nothing is impossible if you believe it can be done through God. Don't give up. It may mean making some changes and even compromises, but keep the faith.

Cheers,
John