He sits and watches, unable to think, unable to perceive. He looks and waits, to say, daddy I am thirsty, daddy I want to shower, daddy I want to brush my teeth.
Movement is impossible, looking from one place to the other is impossible, overpowered and totally at the mercy of chance and what may come, that is his life.
He can't pray, he can't call for help, he can't digest or calculate. That is his life.
Some day, some way, it will all be better, for now, we'll see.
Hi faithful son,
I thought a lot about what you were saying when this was written. Are you writing about how you feel now?
You said that you were diagnosed as a schizophrenic and i think i saw that you would not go back to a psychiatrist - i can understand your reluctance and think that it is normal given that they may want to hospitilise you but fail to treat the root of the problem is. However, have you considered seeing a psychologist - in particular one that specialises in cognitive behavioural therapy?
The reason i ask is that i had 'mental health problems' and my last episode was in April. I didn't really understand what was happening at the time but it felt as if the Devil was taking me over and alternately taking over the body of a person talking to me - as if he was in control of the conversation. I felt all this hate and i felt kind of 'disconnected' - it was very scarey.
In the end i had to take medication - quite quickly to blot out these sensations, and my deepening anxiety about what was happening.
Fortunately, i've been seeing a psychologist for a long time so i kind of knew that whatever may have been going through my mind at the time might not have been the 'truth' and there might be reasons why i was having the experience.
I believe that God does work through people - and i have had a lot of people praying for me, and although my psychologist is not a Christian, she is very respectful of my beliefs.
It was only really recently that i had revelations about what was happening and will explain briefly here to show how things worked out in my own experience:
I had some difficult times in my upbringing and we'd already established in psychology sessions over a long period of time that this had affected my thinking and perception of myself and the world around me, and people in that world. It was explained to me that as children when tough things happen we often ask ourselves why? and then we reason that either something must be wrong on the outside (with our parents maybe) or something must be wrong with us. Because we are so dependent on our parents/carers and feel so powerless in their care it is too scarey and overwhelming to think that something is wrong about what they are doing/saying or what's happening - so we reason that something must be wrong with us and might end up with a belief like 'I am unlovable'.
Unfortunately, in my own situation what i worked out with my psychologist only recently was that the conflict in me had been so great that i had concluded that 'i was hateful' or evil even. From this belief stemmed all sorts of anxieties about the devil and the demonic even before i became a Christian.
I wasn't really aware of this belief - i was just 'ill' - its only looking back that i can more clearly identify this. Fortunately, i had a lot of support from my psychologist in helping me trace my behaviour to this belief (and a few others) which were hidden in me based on past experiences.
I've wondered why, later as a Christian, i had this experience in April because surely this shouldn't have happened - i know that God is love. But i think what had contributed to this crisis was a situation which had happened at church where a Christian in authority over me abused her position to get me to do some things for her. Once again, i had been in an abusive situation but this time it was in an environment which i thought would be and should be 'safe' - church. All the old childhood anxieties about what did this mean about me, or what did it mean about the world came flooding back. Was the world bad? Was i bad?
My natural inclination was to withdraw from church, but i had been taught that people who don't go to church are vulnerable to the Devil, so again this was very 'triggering'. Then i had the negative experience in April.
Now i look at all that has happened and i see that there are different ways of explaining what happened. In my mind sometimes i believed i was experiencing spiritual attacks, and prayer certainly got me through - but I also see it as a conflict with beliefs that i had taken on board as a little girl with noone around to explain what was happening and make me feel safe. Perhaps this is the same as 'strongholds' which some people are get delivered from.
Only God knows all the factors that happen in any one person's life. I know what's really been helping me lately is looking up in God's word to see what he says about me, since this must be true. There is a book by Neil Anderson called Freedom in Christ which really helps with this, and it is possible to work through 'The Steps to Freedom' which are aimed at deliverance from oppression and bondage. I haven't completely worked through the 'Steps' yet so i can't say that they've helped me personally but i know a lot of people who are working through them.
Well, i hope i haven't gone on too much. I just wanted to share this with you to show how complex things have been in my own experience and that, for me, it hasn't been a straightforward 'deliverance'. But in all this there has been an amazing turn around because now i am taking tentative steps towards working in the mental health field myself.
Oh, one thing i forgot to mention was that in my own experience i found that 'beliefs' about myself and the world i had hidden deep down could cause immense conflict and also conflict with each other, so that i felt that i had no way out. It's only been with God's love and the growing trust with him, and with the continuity of care from the psychologist that i've been able to safely expose these thoughts that were causing me so much conflict and damage.
I just want to encourage you to hang on in there. God is love and like no earthly father - His love is amazing and will never let you down. Even if you can't always trust these thoughts or voices that you are having, know that you can trust what God says about you and his relationship with you in the Bible.
Love & hugs,
Rachel
ixie:butterfly
