When to leave a church (IFB)

[Lanolin]

Isnt there any other local church fellowship you can be oart of. Just go there and mention you now belong there. If they want to make a big fuss about dismissing you just say they dont need to do that, that your time there is up and its a new season for you and your husband and God wants you to go elsewhere.

They seem to me just being bureaucratic and petty about it.
The bible does say dont hang round those that have a different doctrine or teach a false gospel dont even say to them Godspeed.

 

[Sue J Love]

Updates:

1. So my husband has started to compose a letter to the pastor and deacons about this matter. All I know about this letter so far is that it mentions how we are not/no longer going to bound ourselves to extra rules/regs/church covenants, and it mentions our beliefs, which do not align with this church.
He estimates that we can leave there in a month.

2. I was sent another email from the pastor about how my husband and I should be at all church meetings (3+)
because the local church is supposed to be "the pillar and ground of the truth" (not sure what that means) and how we should review the content in our pre-marital counselling course that talks about church fellowship, because we have "drifted away from what we once professed." But our church is so micro, that everyone knows how burnt out I am with my infant, and my husband who just finished a rigorous degree (away from home 70+ hours a week). I literally broke down crying I was so tired when I pushed myself to go to all 3.

I know that people can tell me to just leave, but all I can do for now is a slow fade.

The church, of which all Christians are a part, is the body of Christ. It is not a building. It is not an institution of human-making. It is not a denomination, and it is not a corporation (business). Christ Jesus is the head of this church. When we believe in Jesus, we are church members. We need no other church membership. Yes, he gives us leaders, and we are to submit to those leaders, but if they require of us something sinful or something leglistic or out of their realm of biblical authority, we don't have to obey them. Read the book of Galatians, for it speaks of how the Judaizers tried to get the Christians to follow legalistic customs and practices which God does not require. Jesus set us free from slavery to sin and from slavery to man-made rules and regulations, and he wants us to remain free. His yoke is easy, and his burden is light. Amen! And, it is because he carries our burdens for us. But, he does not put yokes on us which God delivered us from. So, obey God. Do what his word teaches you. If your spiritual leaders teach what is in accord with scripture, obey them. If they do not, you are not bound to follow them. We are to flee from false doctrine and hypocritical liars and bondage to legalism and idolatry, which can include the blind following of leaders who lead people astray. If they are teaching a Jesus or a gospel other than the one the NT apostles taught, then we are not to put up with them.

 

[Shutterbug]

Hi Rose. I suppose the only question that needs to be addressed is that of whose spirit or Spirit is leading your church; and, is it growing in accordance with the leading of said Spirit? Rules are necessary for guidance, but our salvation is not solely based on following rules. It is our attitude, our heart, and the grace of God which determines that. Is the grace of God evident in your life, does your walk with God bear the fragrance of Christ, and do others desire what you have shown them? Why has your church not grown? Is it not its mission to seek the lost and bring them to Christ through the leading of the Holy Spirit, and be the fragrance of Christ?

My opinion on being alone (and I spend much time alone) is either one exists in a social desert, or, one has poorly developed social skills through either poor leadership or a selfish attitude. A good question for your pastor is if the membership has grown as expected. Was it expected to grow, or was it meant to fulfill someone's personal issue never expecting any significant gains? You may find your pastor has realized that despite fruitful potential based on good intentions, his flock has not increased other than replacing that which has gone on. Seriously, is this what Jesus instructed his apostles to accomplish? You gotta be kidding me if the answer is "Yes" as that really puts a new meaning on the harvest is great, but the workers are few.

Whether you choose to remain or leave is your decision. Either way, a change must be made and staying means a greater fight than leaving because you are literally telling the Old Guard they were wrong. And, that is likely why they belong to an independent church in the first place. If you to wish to effect a change, this is one time when spending time in prayer seeking the leading of the Holy Spirit is much advised. And it's difficult to type with an 18 lb cat in my arms. I wish you all the best in your spiritual endeavours. Keep looking to Jesus and never look back. Cheers, John

 

[Wired 4 Fishen]

@of_the_rose
The best choice any one can make in these types of situations is to Not seek people's advice but Rather Seek The Lord and See What He Wants.

No one else can direct you unto the path the Lord wants you on.

We must All learn to be Spirit Led in all we do and not by people, sight or feelings.
Blessings
W4F

 

[Lanolin]

Good advice wired.
I don't usually cast votes when people ask because, its really God you should be asking when you need to make a decision. Its good to get counsel, but it shouldn't depend on how many people on here say 'yes' or 'no'. If ten of us said 'yes' and none of us says 'no' but God says 'no' I would go with God!

 

[Wired 4 Fishen]

Good advice wired.
I don't usually cast votes when people ask because, its really God you should be asking when you need to make a decision. Its good to get counsel, but it shouldn't depend on how many people on here say 'yes' or 'no'. If ten of us said 'yes' and none of us says 'no' but God says 'no' I would go with God!

Thank You Lanolin,
What many Believers fail to understand is there is so much to gain when we seek God in anything and then do what He says.

When we seek God and He directs us.
Even if we miss it or fowl it up BUT did our best with the Light that we have, God will give us the credit.

What I mean is.....we can miss the mark or make a mess of it BUT since we listened and did our best....God will Fix it, make it turn out the way He wanted.
God will move Heaven and Earth if need be to make it right, simply because you OBEYED and did your best.

Now on the other hand when we seek others advice or trust in our selves and do it any other way then what He would have told us then......
We reap from our actions
Stuck with the results from our actions.

Then we have to find out where we missed it and find out what we need to do to get back where God wanted us.

Blessings
W4F

 

[of_the_rose]

Thank you everyone for your responses! To those wondering why I am asking for advice, or just for someone to hear me out, instead of just praying about it, is because I believe that it is wise to seek out "a multitude of counsellors" along side my prayers about this. This is why we have each other!

Here is another update:

My husband and the pastor have been speaking about our differences for about a month now. I can definitely say that my husband cares more about our situation now, and is really taking the lead, which is comforting. He keeps on promising that we will be out soon, and wants to do things the proper way, which is a peaceful dismissal. I've been trying really hard to be patient, and have been struggling. Our dismissal would have to take place at the "next regular business meeting"

My husband suggested that I stop attending this church until we are dismissed, but he also advised that I do not visit any other church on Sundays until then. In the meantime I have started attending conferences and other events at my old church (not on Sundays) just so I can have some worship and prayer time with other Christians.

 

[Lanolin]

Patience.
Its hard to leave some churches I know. Especially if your other half doesnt feel the same way.
Its ok to seek counselling. Just checking you sought God first thats all.

Here is something about patience Ive been learning lately. When king saul wanted to kill david..out of jealousy david ran away...but when davids followers advised him to kill saul when he had the chance in the cave David did not...he had patience to wait for his turn to be King.

How does that apply to us...well, I do notice that the behaviour of some church leaders can only be described as being jealous of other churches or people who are righteous and perhaps showing them up when they have no reason to be. I dont know if that means some leaders had been appointed who dont have a heart for God and just went on outer appearances...but they still need to obey Him nonetheless.

 

[Curtis]

Thank you everyone for your responses! To those wondering why I am asking for advice, or just for someone to hear me out, instead of just praying about it, is because I believe that it is wise to seek out "a multitude of counsellors" along side my prayers about this. This is why we have each other!

Here is another update:

My husband and the pastor have been speaking about our differences for about a month now. I can definitely say that my husband cares more about our situation now, and is really taking the lead, which is comforting. He keeps on promising that we will be out soon, and wants to do things the proper way, which is a peaceful dismissal. I've been trying really hard to be patient, and have been struggling. Our dismissal would have to take place at the "next regular business meeting"

My husband suggested that I stop attending this church until we are dismissed, but he also advised that I do not visit any other church on Sundays until then. In the meantime I have started attending conferences and other events at my old church (not on Sundays) just so I can have some worship and prayer time with other Christians.

".....Where ever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty" (2 Cor 3:17) If you are not sensing liberty, and freedom in your Church, then the Spirit of God is not there. Condemnation, and guilt is not what God uses, that is what the Devil uses to keep men under their control. Just because it might be called a "Church" with a specific name does not mean God is there. The Devil transforms himself into a angel of light, and even his minister are also disguised as minters of righteousness.

2Cor 11:13 For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ.
2Cor 11:14 And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.
2Cor 11:15 So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.

It makes no difference in what they say to you or how nice they seem to be, are they bearing the fruit of the Spirit?

 

[of_the_rose]

Hi everyone,
Here is a huge update!
After a month of discussion between my husband and the pastor, they have finally concluded that it would be wise to resign our membership and to rejoin a community with more compatible doctrine and practices. I have broken the news to my closest friend and her family at the church, and will gradually tell people over the course of this week about our resignation. We have decided to maintain all of our relationships with our brothers and sisters there, and will be emphasizing that when we tell each family. Plus this way we feel as though we can really spend quality time with them without all the formalities!

It was hard trusting my husband to lead us during this process, but I am very thankful for his leadership. I wish that this was something that was talked about more in Christian circles, so that its not such a foreign and disorienting experience.
But with that said, I am also thankful for all the advice and listening ears here on this thread/site. Thank you, so much!

 

[KingJ]

I belong to a very similar church and love it.

I prefer smaller churches as there is more interaction with members. Big churches with smaller weekly 'cell' meetings I found terrible as no qualified elders are present at these.

The only risk / issue I see with small churches is that the main pastor may be a handful. A lot depends on their relationship with God / humility and the presence / appointment of proper / caring elders.

I don't mind all the judging you mentioned in your OP. Christianity 101 is to judge each other. Meeting often and praying without ceasing. Not sure why so many here have voted for you to leave.

The only gripe I have with your church is the rule on been kicked out for bad attendance.

Anyway, good luck with finding a new church, will add you to our prayer list.

 

[Holly Hobbie]

I have found most fundamental churches to be this way.....I am a prayer warrior and we are encouraged to pray for those on our prayer lists but not forced . If a church is telling you, If a church is telling you out right that you can't be a member or get involved unless you pray for everything on the list and then some then i would question it.
Prayer is an essential part of a Christians life....God loves to hear us pray no matter how Generic they may sound or be as long as it comes from out hearts.
I honestly think if these are the only issues you have with the church then I would caution you about leaving the church so soon....you may never find a church that meets a 100% of all your wants and needs.
I know I spent most of my 18 yrs of marriage going jumping from religion to religion ,church to church with my husband finding nothing but chaos because one of us was looking for the "Perfect Church"

 

[Hekuran]

Hi everyone,
Here is a huge update!
After a month of discussion between my husband and the pastor, they have finally concluded that it would be wise to resign our membership and to rejoin a community with more compatible doctrine and practices. I have broken the news to my closest friend and her family at the church, and will gradually tell people over the course of this week about our resignation. We have decided to maintain all of our relationships with our brothers and sisters there, and will be emphasizing that when we tell each family. Plus this way we feel as though we can really spend quality time with them without all the formalities!

It was hard trusting my husband to lead us during this process, but I am very thankful for his leadership. I wish that this was something that was talked about more in Christian circles, so that its not such a foreign and disorienting experience.
But with that said, I am also thankful for all the advice and listening ears here on this thread/site. Thank you, so much!

Very glad that you have a resolution that you are happy with. With prayers that you will be able to keep good relationships with everybody, and that your resignation won't cause any division.

When you resign, will your pastor publicly pray for God's blessing on you as you depart? It would make future relationships much easier if he does.

P.S. Well done husband!

 

[FreeWill77]

I had to learn this the hard way over the majority of the course of my life, but NO ONE is subject to any other man, group, or organization that you do not wish to be a part of, ....unless you wish to be. Otherwise, we truly have freedom in and through Christ. The ONLY one we are to be subject to at all times is God himself. That being said, ...there are certain things we are or can be subject-to or under ...to "certain" and "reasonable" degrees (example: children to their parents, a wife to a husband, a citizen to their country). It is true that as believers in Christ, we really do need to physically be part of a body of believers for fellowship, support, edification, teaching & instruction. A church is an "organization", a group of people that have set certain standards, guidelines, rules, activities, etc., ...and we can choose to be a part of any of these church groups, ...or NOT to. Of course, we would want to be with a church or group that aligns itself, teaches, and practices proper scriptural teaching and whose participates show and exuberate the love of Christ. However, any church that exerts any peer-pressure or control over its participants or members is TOXIC. It is one thing to exhort one another in love. It is entirely another thing to pressure, place condemnation, or resort to any other means of control over those in a group. The simple truth is ......that it is still up to us. God gives us "free-will" to make choices. We can CHOOSE to be a part of something, .....for our good, or not for our good. The only reverse-scenario (flip-side) I could see might be that God would want us to stay in such group to help those within the group or to try to change or correct them, but that would be the extreme, and usually takes strong individuals and perhaps a leading/calling from God himself.

 

[Jellani]

Hi all, this is a loose continuation of my last post, linked below, about the circumstances at my church.
If you don't wish to read the previous post for background, in summary:
My fellow church members and I are expected to pray for 50-80+ people each, every Wed, from a prescribed, rotating list, and we have been told to cease praying for people at times.

To Pray or not to Pray

But here is my new predicament. And I am only posting this after speaking with my husband, and other members in confidence...

I joined an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church, when I married my husband, with great hesitation. I left my former (open brethren) church that I was apart of, to do this. Here are my concerns, and if anyone has ever been in this circumstance, please weigh in and share:

1. There is a strong emphasis on outward actions:
(e.g) Required attendance of all 3 weekly meetings (6hours+/week), and when attendance was not perfect due to illness/new baby, I was told that I am to be careful of getting my priorities mixed up, or that I am denying God when I miss church when family is visiting, because "so and so" wouldn't even miss a mid week meeting when their elderly parents came into town to visit, for only short time.

(e.g2) Expectation of memorizing up to 10 verses weekly and being tested on them, expectation of praying for 50-80+ people/causes each (limited to other baptists), on a scheduled, pre-written prayer list, and it is also encouraged to attend 2-3hour weekly revival meetings.

2. There is an elitist attitude, yet super small membership:zipped:
The attitude towards unbelievers and other Christians is persecutory, and lacks love. It is an us vs them attitude. It is very common and accepted to say that other churches, in general, are not real churches, and that our church, really has a handle on things. This is even said from the pulpit. We separate from all other churches, in evangelism, and in fellowship, that are not IFB (and none of the IFBs in our city had "made the cut")
Yet there are only 11 members, and church "growth" consists of a couple singles who got married to someone who then joined. Been micro small for years.
It feels stale and suffocating!

When I spoke to other church members, they either agreed with what was going on, or would be complacent and defeated. I really want to leave this church, because the impression I have after talking to other church members, is that things will never change, and either I adapt to it, or I would have to leave.

Has anyone been in a church like this?

Hi have you raised this issue in the leadership of the church?

 

[Jellani]

Hi everyone,
Here is a huge update!
After a month of discussion between my husband and the pastor, they have finally concluded that it would be wise to resign our membership and to rejoin a community with more compatible doctrine and practices. I have broken the news to my closest friend and her family at the church, and will gradually tell people over the course of this week about our resignation. We have decided to maintain all of our relationships with our brothers and sisters there, and will be emphasizing that when we tell each family. Plus this way we feel as though we can really spend quality time with them without all the formalities!

It was hard trusting my husband to lead us during this process, but I am very thankful for his leadership. I wish that this was something that was talked about more in Christian circles, so that its not such a foreign and disorienting experience.
But with that said, I am also thankful for all the advice and listening ears here on this thread/site. Thank you, so much!

Never thought this post is way back 2017

 

[Brother-Paul]

Praise the Lord who opens doors in our times of trouble.

 

[Sue D.]

Hi have you raised this issue in the leadership of the church?

I would have left, too. While it's true that going to church regularly Is important -- having it Required is ridiculous. Being 'required' to do those various things is 'way' above and beyond. Can understand why the church is tiny. God's Word teaches liberty in Christ. It's our personal relationship to God through Jesus Christ that is Most important.

In This country we Do have the freedom to go to whatever church we feel led To go to.

 

[Jellani]

Hi @Sue D. Greetings,

I understand, on my own decision if i felt and see that i am not growing to a certain church, i would have left too but i think God has a purpose why He put us in a certain place for a certain time, because we might be the only one who can see what others don’t see. And might be Our boldness to address it first personally to the Leadership ( before to anyone else ) would help them recognized that there really something wrong. If they didn’t listen i think ( please correct me if i am wrong with my opinion ) that is the time where we must ask for help for co believers outside that Body of Christ,
this is not only for our sake but for our co believers who are on that church.

 

[FreeWill77]

I realize that this thread was concerning "of_the_rose" and her predicament, but I would like to interject my own experience as well as the experiences of others, since the title of it is called "When To Leave A Church (IFB)". I have already spoke my mind on a post earlier in this thread, but another extremely very good reason to leave a church (especially an IFB) is for the sake of your children. Remember, ...they are minors and many will never have a say in anything. However, believe me when I say they will be the "most affected". I attended an IFB church and christian school for over a year when I had just hit puberty (13 years old) in the mid 70's. My folks were prior divorced and I lived with my mom at this time. From scripture, the gospel of Christ was taught and preached for the most part (and for that I actually am thankful). However, the rest of their legalistic doctrine and control, whether twisted or unspoken, was very toxic and (I hate to admit it) has unknowingly affected me to this day. It is a form of extreme peer-pressurization, and even though there were many true believers in Christ with the best-of-intentions, they unfortunately were entrenched and into all this extra added-on way-over-the-top legalistic doctrine which always filtered down throughout the entire congregation.
I have lots of stories, but this is the main one: I had long hair for about 5 years, that was part of the culture everywhere at the time, and it was the norm, so ...I felt "normal". In order to attend the IFB school, I had to get all of my hair cut off very short which made me feel funny. I felt like I had lost my identity (who I was) and at the same time it was a humiliation like I was being punished. Everyone looked like they were out of the '40s or '50s. ...but I dealt with it because, ...I loved Jesus and I "wanted to do what was right". Fast-forward 6 months later, ..during "chapel", which was a weekly church service during school hours for all the kids grades 7 thru 12. After the sermon, the principal reprimanded the girls for sporting "Farrah Faucett" wings in their hairdo because it was a "worldly fad". He then turned and addressed me in front of all my peers and said in a nasty way, "<my name="">, go get a haircut". ...like I could really do that on my own at age 13? I don't have my own money and don't drive. They couldn't come up to me one-on-one, or even discuss it with my mom, ...they had to single me out and embarrass me in front of 80 to 100 students (guys and gals). Needless to say, that was the beginning of the end for me. I became very depressed, my grades dropped, I was threatened to be paddled by the principal because I was failing bible class (which he taught by the way). Because they eventually wanted to hold me back a year, my mom pulled me out and put me back in public school, where I bounced-back and my grades went back to normal. I feel fortunate because my mom and I were new to this, so I didn't have to endure anywhere near the stuff some of the other kids did.
Even though it was only a year and a half, the stigma of my experience in this church stayed with me for most of my life. I always felt like I was separated and running away from God and Jesus for years (thinking that "they were right") until I eventually got my head straightened-out after college (1986). I eventually met real believers in Christ who weren't crazy, and I eventually joined another church denomination. The sad but dangerous truth about most IFB churches is that even though they actual hold fast and true to most mainstream biblical doctrines (which I still hold to), they would still be considered ...a "cult" as they add-on or re-define other doctrines in a very legalistic fashion. Their leaders and members pressure you and then blame it on God by calling your reaction to it "guilt" and "conviction of the Holy Spirit", but I call it what it is ....controlling and brainwashing. The exceedingly very sad part is all of the kids (minors) who have had to endure way much more in the name of Christ, such as extreme physical abuse (discipline & punishment) and even sexual abuse, but the primary abuse to most youth is the damage done to their mind and psyche. I was not aware all these decades of the extent, stories, and extremes going on in the Independent Fundamental Baptist churches over the past three decades until I did research recently an stumbled onto all of this. Sorry If I am coming off strong here (getting it out of my system), but I feel very strongly about this, because if a child's experience in a bad IFB church doesn't send them running away later in life afraid of God and Jesus (the one they need to be running to), they will probably become one of the brainwashed, and possibly end up becoming "twice the son of hell" of those they were/are following.