Hi lilyofthevalley,
Thank you for your message. I understand what you're saying when you mentioned about "being pushed back to family members by well-meaning but misguided people", believe me I do. The last thing you want to do is go make nice with people that treat you like dirt. And while you want to get away from them, people are telling you to go to them. I can't be around one of my siblings for long, because he is, to put it frankly, a manipulative and sociopathic jerk. He's also an unbeliever. So my hanging around him is not an option. BUT, if he is at family gatherings, or at Easter dinner, etc. I can and do endeavor to be polite and civil towards him. 1 John says "He who says he loves God but hates his brother is a liar". Some might say that refers to a Christian brother, but to me the point is moot. If we are to love our enemies, how much more our family, if at all possible?
Anyway, if I'm (hopefully) understanding you correctly, what you're saying about healing is, the process you need in your life in order for that to happen is : 1. recover physically and mentally (getting help with the ongoing ins and outs of relating with your dad, etc.) 2. fix boundaries that are broken 3. then start forgiving.
I agree that these are things I need to do. I hear what you are saying about questioning the order, but what happens is that if I just forgive without addressing the boundaries and looking at the relationship I keep getting retraumatised or stressed over and over again when I relate with my dad.
But in that case, I think that way of thinking is putting the cart before the horse. What I mean is, trying to heal without forgiveness is like saying you will only put a band-aid on your gushing wound after it stops gushing and has healed itself. But the band-aid, being my metaphor for forgiveness, is the key ingredient in the healing, and it needs to be applied while, not after you are have bled for a long time.
The band-aid keeps all the dirt and crap out of the wound so that it can heal. No band-aid/forgiveness = a wound full of dirt and poison and other harmful things, that will keep the wound from healing. Your mind is wounded, and it will not heal unless you get all the poison out of it, and the poison is bitterness, un-forgiveness, etc. I don't think there is any way around that, as much as I wish there were soothing words I could give you by telling you something else.
Hebrews 12:1 talks about throwing off everything that hinders us, and the sin that so easily entangles us, so that we can run with perseverance the race marked out for us. That's why we need to let go of everything that hinders, so we can start living and moving in God's ways, instead of staying stuck in the same mental hell every day. When we forgive, we move forward, when we don't, we stay perpetually trapped behind in the very place where the abuse was.
Sorry if I sound like I am harping all over you about this, but I need to stress how important it is. Now, before I go on, let me get to your question about acceptance. The answer is absolutely, "NO", forgiving is not accepting the wrong behavior. There is nothing acceptable about abuse. And it is not saying they can do it again, or it's okay, etc. Nor does forgiveness mean that you have to leap back into an unhealthy relationship again. Forgiveness doesn't imply putting yourself in harm's way for the sake of forgiving. But on the other hand, if, to use my case as an example, I've genuinely forgiven my dad, I can't say, "I forgive you dad, but I hate you". Or, "I forgive you but I want nothing to do with you". You know what I mean?
I am thinking that if I don't have some help so I can calmly and rationally look at what's so triggering with my dad and why things have deteriorated so much, then I will be putting myself in harm's way just by seeing him. I think that I need a vocabulary and insight to unravel what is happening with my core beliefs and emotions because I get triggered by his behaviour and go round in loops in my thinking. This relationship has been a major contributory factor to me having numerous breakdowns. I have spent over forty years trying to be in relationship with him because I have felt so guilty at the thought of rejecting my own dad, even though he has rejected me in many ways. I just want to be able to have some space from him and be free to walk away from someone who's been so detrimental to my life. I'm frustrated as I'm writing this because I struggle with my memory at times, and know I wrote down much more articulately in my previous response, but it got lost by the computer.
No, of course not. It's not like, "POOF!", you go from sick to healed the second you forgive. What my basic message has been is, sound mind = sound body to a large degree, and of course, an unsound mind = unsound body. So in order to cure what ails you, you must treat the problem (the emotional scars), and having done that, it would positively affect the symptoms, don't you agree?
For instance, if your weight problem is due to overeating, which is due to your low self-worth because of the abuse you've had, etc., then I would say that yes, your weight problem would change if the unhealthy thought processes you have that cause you to overeat were gotten rid of. It's well known that angry people have a lot more health problems than people who aren't. It is also known that stress kills. It KILLS. Which proves what I'm saying, that harmful thoughts harm the body. Why the thoughts are there doesn't matter when it comes to the health of your mind and body.
Coincidentally - * or not - this daily devotional message (in red) from the berean org arrived in my email this morning. I don't know if it'll be helpful to you or not, but I thought I'd pass it along in case :
Proverbs 23:7
7 For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.
" Eat and drink!" he says to you,
But his heart is not with you.
Philippians 2:4
4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
We live in a society absorbed with its own feelings. Today, people are addicted to seeing themselves as victims and demanding special tolerance, favor, acceptance, or gifts. Yet a mind concerned with its own painful experiences, rejections, mistakes, or emotional hurts is one that refuses healing. These emotions comfort like old bandages, and many are afraid to see what is underneath. Some cling to them because they give special "handicap" privileges, and they use them to justify what they believe, say or do.
It is a demonic delusion because it only perpetuates the pain and denies the freedom or forgiveness that God offers.
Pain should serve to teach and mature us, not box us into the darkness. Hebrews 2:10 says Christ learned by the things He suffered—His pain was His teacher. Likewise, our painful experiences can teach us the contrasts between this human life and the glorious life for which God is preparing us.
However, a mind that feels pain speaks pain, and, if left unchecked, will eventually drive others away. Sharing a painful experience with a confidant is empowering and emotionally bonding, but continually sharing it with anyone who will listen deludes us into thinking that it is good for us when it is actually a kind of psychosis. Preoccupation with personal pain denies the fruit of the Spirit. It brings no peace or joy or love, etc.
Thanks for writing this - it confirms some of what I have been thinking lately and is insightful. I think that Christ did learn by what he suffered and think that he would have had a vocabulary and insight into what was happening to enable him to process the pain. I think this is where I have become stuck. Somehow I need to unravel my thoughts and to question my beliefs around what has been happening and grow in understanding so that I can process the emotions or pain. Somehow I need help to recognise where my responsibilities lie and where they do not. I think there is some manipulation and control happening by my dad. Because he has belittled, ignored, withheld praise or blanked me or been critical when I have achieved anything I have found my emotional distress at this overwhelming (especially when he offered educational support to a sibling and told me she deserved it) and it has led to me giving up or dropping out of things so I have a track record of constant failure. This has affected my self-worth tremendously and has been a major contributor to me having breakdowns and making poor decisions because I have been afraid to do things I have really wanted and have anticipated failure or experienced his rejection/judgement. I am only just really realising this as I am writing. His behaviour has had a huge impact and influence in my life in a very destructive and negative way,
Proverbs 23:7 teaches, "For as [one] thinks in his heart, so is he." It is easy to become caught up in life's painful experiences, and some of us have enough of them to fill novels. Yet Paul instructs the Philippians not to dwell on themselves so much: "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4).
At times, the best way to put aside pain is to care for the needs of someone else. Positive and outgoing communication provides plenty of time to talk about painful experiences, but it does not allow them to become a way of life. When someone asks, we can feel free to express some of the painful events of our lives, but we should show interest and concern for the other's experiences and provide encouragement as needed.
I agree with this to some extent. When I've been mentally ill though I've been unable to function, although being able to do practical things could have been beneficial all round.
Well anyway, I am praying for you that you receive the healing you desire and need, and mostly that you will call upon the Lord who is mighty to save. If no one can help you, He most definitely can. Oh yeah, I just wanted to add that I have not meant to imply in anything I've said, that healing will happen over night, or that it is some explicit duty of yours to muster up some super-human strength to forgive your abusers. Nor am I saying you only have a certain time limit in which you are allowed to think a certain way, or anything like that. Sometimes healing takes years, sometimes not. Your emotions are your own, and you are in charge of them. But our attitude is all-important in this. And our level of trust that God can and will do for us what seems ridiculously hard and impossible for us to do. He healed me, and you're no different to Him than I am. God bless!
