How to deal with freeloaders

[Lanolin]

Well case in point about poltiticians, a member of my community garden whos like the leader thought it would be a good idea to invite local MP to see the garden so we had this one local MP who PROMISED he would come to our working bee and get stuck in well predictably he didnt show and had some door knocking to do instead. Ok like we werent important enough to hang around he thought he could just say he would come and then not show up.

 

[Bendito]

Well case in point about poltiticians, a member of my community garden whos like the leader thought it would be a good idea to invite local MP to see the garden so we had this one local MP who PROMISED he would come to our working bee and get stuck in well predictably he didnt show and had some door knocking to do instead. Ok like we werent important enough to hang around he thought he could just say he would come and then not show up.

People are notoriously unreliable..But then I'm of a somewhat cynical mindset

 

[Lanolin]

Jesus said let your yes be yes and your no be no. He did say anything else was evil.

I hesitate to call it evil, but it confuses me. If you change your mind, thats forgiveable, but if you do it all the time..something is wrong.

Im thinking of dropping this writing group I go to where the freeloading lady is cos she took my writing again without asking the group host. I wasnt at the meeting so just emailed it. I did say to the host to tell her just post it back to me after you done but she took it home instead, and last time she did that she expected me to go get it off her.

Nobody else in the group does this. Now am suspecting shes going to hold it ransom or either visit me again and then ask me to do all this stuff for her. So i told the group host just tell this lady to post it back to me.

I dont want her ringing me and then saying oh btw can I use your sewing machine (not even mine) and oh btw can you sew it for me and type this up for me, can I borrow some money etc etc.

Arrgh.

Got it back but am letting it go, may not come back to the writing group again. Am too busy now.

I think I learned just to say Im too busy to do everything you want instantly so stop asking me. Then they will get the message. Horrible freeloaders think you have nothing better to do but drop everything and cater to their needs. Arrgh

My friend and I had this friend in common who would insult us everytime she rang up wanting something by saying..'are you sleeping?' Im like how RUDE. And this was during the day, where does she get off thinking just because someones not working in a full time job and is at home, all we do is sleep.

As for politicians, why do they make promises they cant keep. Because they are people pleasers and cant be relied on, we had another working bee and this politican said i will be at the garden next time, predicatably he didnt show, his PA said he was working on the budget. One of the garden ladies was like we have to host this MP and Im like dont waste your breath asking him he just doesnt want to come even though he said he would cos its three times hes piked out now. If someone doesnt show up three times after asking them why keep expecting them to come? Even if you give them plenty of notice. He should have just said i am really busy I would like to come but cant promise anything.
Thats forgivable but if someone says they will do something and then dont all the time thats just rude too.

Im really shocked at how manipulative people can be to get what they want but have decided if this so called friend does ring next time to say Im busy right now can I call you back..because its true Im about my Fathers business not theirs. If they are truly in need they would ask God first right?!

Hmm I have come to the conclusion I dont have many smart friends and maybe should start joining Mensa or something and only hang round with intelligent christians who have common sense.

Otherwise I just end up confused.

Lord give me wiser friends!!! i dont want to suffer fools anymore!

 

[Bendito]

Hmm I have come to the conclusion I dont have many smart friends and maybe should start joining Mensa or something and only hang round with intelligent christians who have common sense.

Otherwise I just end up confused.

Lord give me wiser friends!!! i dont want to suffer fools anymore!

Sounds like a plan!

 

[Lanolin]

I dont think I will join mensa, but maybe there is a test or quiz I can give the people I know and if they pass with flying colours they can be my friend.

I will give them scenarios like, if you were a true friend whould you dump all your problems on the other person and expect them to listen all the time even if they were busy? Yes or no.

 

[Bendito]

I dont think I will join mensa, but maybe there is a test or quiz I can give the people I know and if they pass with flying colours they can be my friend.

I will give them scenarios like, if you were a true friend whould you dump all your problems on the other person and expect them to listen all the time even if they were busy? Yes or no.

OH! I decided not to join Mensa because I make them look dumb...LOLOL I let people pay me to be their friend....LOLOL Sorry. I'm sleepy...I get that way.

 

[Lanolin]

I dont know about paying someone to be friends have you ever done that?

Another question is for the freeloader..a if you were a true friend you would do all their work for them yes or no?

Well looks like God has put a quash on the freeloaders writing ambitions cos I may not be doing what shes writing about anymore so she cant rope me into to correcting her writing (that she wanted me to type) this is what people get for reporting old news and taking months to write something.

I have thought that when some people write, they are like vultures of other people, which is why some writers who are journos are called hacks. I dont know, its an odd profession, writing. She may be a freelancer, but acts like a freeloader.

Jesus did rebuke not just the Pharisees but the scribes.

It looks like i have found a decent full time job which means anyone trying to rope me into doing something for nothing has to get me on the weekend. This is the privelige of a full time employee. Sorry I am busy working, and so when anyone tries to call me at home during working hours will have noone will answer.

I was given ecclesiastes 6:2. I really need wisdom, why does everything have to be all or nothing.

Lol told the freeloader I was offered this job which I will accept and she wasnt happy. I wonder why?

Lord teach her, I know shes hard case but thankfully I wont be having much to do with her anymore since I dont plan on going back to the group and going to be too busy.

Im not even going to bother writing another assignment since she keeps taking them home without asking me.

 

[Shutterbug]

Lol told the freeloader I was offered this job which I will accept and she wasnt happy. I wonder why?

Lord teach her, I know shes hard case but thankfully I wont be having much to do with her anymore since I dont plan on going back to the group and going to be too busy.

Im not even going to bother writing another assignment since she keeps taking them home without asking me.

Hi Lanolin;

I'm touching on two posts and I hope I don't miss the mark. Regarding your previous post on Jesus dealing with the Scribes and Pharisees, he had nothing against their position as he was not a rebel encouraging others to rebel against them. Instead, he took them to task for abusing their privileges and becoming self-indulgent. This observation didn't apply to all as a blanket statement, but I'm sure it prevailed enough to make it worth mentioning.

Ecc 6:2 can be understood to mean that we're not here forever. We can build great things, but we ultimately give away everything we build up because we do not live forever and we take nothing with us. Those remaining behind get it for free and are free to use it for their own purposes. This ties in with the wisdom of Jesus who instructed his disciples to build up treasure in Heaven by building on the Kingdom IAW the Father's will rather than their own amibition.

Congratulations on your new job. Being a good friend is a two way relationship. You could do all those things requested of you, but is there nothing else in it for you other than being treated as a servant? I'm not suggesting you put yourself first in your relationships, but they are not meant to be one way avenues without checks and balances.

The reason I mentioned the RMS Titanic in another thread was not about the vessel itself or its outcome. It was about the pervasive attitude of arrogance by some who knew better. This was the same attitude that Jesus found overall in the Pharisees. When the serpent told Eve that she and Adam would be as gods, its words meant that they could do things independent of others which make them happy. That's my take on it. Cheers, John

 

[Lanolin]

Thanks I appreciate you perspective. Yes well the job I have (gardening) is for not just for me but for others to enjoy too..even after I am gone.

Yes unfortunately I know many people who abuse their priveliges, and many who think being a friend means you can just use people.

When you encounter these people in your life you have to be really tough and that's hard for a lot of people who aren't naturally tough. it's called tough love and I'm learning how to do that. People that are older will tend to pick on those who are younger I've noticed.

She did ring the other night and again as usual it was something to ask me.
But I headed her off by saying NO it's a full time job. She was trying to convince me to ask them to let me have time off - well I already raised it with them and decided to take the full time job. I have already arranged replacements for my other commitments.

The other thing was about some retreat which I told her I wasn't going to go to. I know she only wants me to come so she can get a ride. I'm going to drop this group. It will be a shame because none of the other members are like this but I've noticed many of the other members have now left since. Just got busy with other things.

God is leading me in the path He wants me to go and she can't divert me.

 

[Shutterbug]

Hi Lanolin. Friendships come and go for a variety of reasons and fall into the proverbial Bell Curve thing: some you want to keep and some you wish you had never begun with the remainder falling somewhere in between. I work at a job that doesn't really encourage friendships outside of it due the hours I work. And, I don't hang around with co-workers after work for the same reason. While it has existed throughout history, we live in a world that wants to be catered to 24/7/365 making for increasingly difficult friendships and family life in some cases.

Gardening can be fun and I never ceased to be amazed at the way the Good Lord designed things to work. I have a Robin abiding in a nest outside my back door which I discovered when it exploded out of the nest while I was approaching the door. I had swallows in a bird house which is mounted on the front of my shed for a couple of years, but it has been empty possibly due to hornets also wanting to use it.

The other members are still around, but topics tend to be short lived although oft repeated. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours. If you can say as Polycarp did at his execution, "eighty-six years I have lived and served my God has He never failed me", you are in good company. May you grow in grace both within and without so others can see first hand what being a good role model is really about. Phil 4:8. Cheers, John

 

[Lanolin]

Lol the symptom of modern world- quote from carrie fisher who observed 'instant gratification takes too long'

I have also noticed freeloaders want everything right away they are not willing to wait and be rewarded. Patience is one of the hardest fruits to cultivate. But you will know it when someone is trying yours.

The freeloading ladies typist sent me the draft of her article, which still needs corrections, but i am over it. She took so long writing it that im no longer doing what shes reporting on.

I emailed back to her typist..I hope she rewards you for your time and efforts. He did send me one document I couldnt even open..and said Im sorry for insulting your computer skills..well Im not insulted so I dont know what he means.

If someone is writing for a magazine or paper they have to be much quicker than she is and not expect others to do their work for them.

I came across some magazines saying they need articles but they actually dont pay people to write them. They want people to do all their work for nothing and then take the credit. One time i entered a competition, came third, it was published but no payment or prize was ever given..? My dad had his photo published in the paper, it promised a restaurant voucher but it never arrived, so Im thinking what is with that? Do people think they can get away with not rewarding people for their work that takes time and effort to do.

Hmm stop me if I am being a hypocrite here. But even the bible says if someone does a days work for you, you reward them on that day dont keep back their wages.

 

[Shutterbug]

A hypocrite is someone who imposes a set of rules on others and then fails to abide by them because the rules are too restrictive. The person would have to make a deliberate effort to abide. In the words of Jesus, treat others as you would have them treat you.

 

[Lanolin]

Well people talk about boundaries all the time but its hard to impose boundaries on someone else who doesnt care for them. Especially if they are older than you.

I learned if you treat others as you would have them treat you doesnt work with some people when THEY are the ones treating you really badly.

If I was treating this lady how shes treated me I would be calling her for favours all the time and treating her like shes my personal maid who will jump at any chance to serve me. But I dont do that to people. Perhaps this is how she is treated by others and shes just trying it on me?! Maybe its something shes learned all her life to keep a roof over her head, I dont know.

People dont think slavery still exists in the modern world but I can assure you its alive and well.

However I am not called to bondage and refuse any attempts by others to make me their slave.

Question..was reading in the bible today about judging and how we not meant to do it unless we judge ourselves first lest we be hypocrites..and thats fine, we remove our own planks from our own eyes first...but then Jesus says if we are seeing clearly..to remove the speck from the other persons eyes.

Well how do i do that with this lady? How do I make her see the way she treats others isnt right? What can I do to remove her speck?
Or do I just avoid her.

I dont think avoiding the issue helps and not just because for my own sanity but everyone else she comes into contact with.

 

[Shutterbug]

Question..was reading in the bible today about judging and how we not meant to do it unless we judge ourselves first lest we be hypocrites..and thats fine, we remove our own planks from our own eyes first...but then Jesus says if we are seeing clearly..to remove the speck from the other persons eyes.

Well how do i do that with this lady? How do I make her see the way she treats others isnt right? What can I do to remove her speck?
Or do I just avoid her.

I dont think avoiding the issue helps and not just because for my own sanity but everyone else she comes into contact with.

We all make judgements and we all use some discrimination in our daily lives whether we like to admit it or not. An example would be that you're a manager who has to hire someone to fill a position. The applicants are four Caucasian men and women, four African men and women, and four Muslim men and women. Consider the dynamics in that you can only hire one. Demographics and politics is a consideration as are skills and personality. In the end, the person hired is the one who will be considered to be the best fit in the organization. In doing so, judgements are made and the rest are eliminated through discrimination of anything negative (items which may work against them). Yet, the process remains fair.

Fully understanding what is involved is a big one. If we put ourselves first in all things, we become self-important and we employ self-entitlement. The Good Lord knows best and timing is every thing. Some times we need time, too. I say that because if you decide to shut out your friend, she and you will understand that it is her behaviour and not her personally. Make sense?

 

[Lanolin]

Hmm ok.

I came across something yesterday that I think fits why she behaves this way...spirits of arrested development, even though she is over 60 she behaves like a child. Actually I have come across lots of people who are like this even when they are adult they behave childishly.

Im not a manager for an organisation so cant truly relate to your analogy. Yes I can choose my friends to an extent but sometimes you dont always know how they will turn out..discernment is needed but in many cases and I didnt think I would need a complete vetting process to choose friends. I think because it was a writers group that was christian and Everyone would be worth getting to know and it would be safe.

However I notice with needy friends they latch on to you first. They will be super friendly at first and then see how they can use or depend on you. Yes it is the behaviour and not the person.

But am not talking about discernment..am past the vetting stage...I want to know about the speck. Can it be removed? Because if shes living with this speck in her eye when she doesnt have to, why not remove it. Or does it have to be she removed it herself, even though she cant see it.

Speaking of arrested development i had one lady..different one confide or tell me she wanted to be 18 again and she was in her 40s. I didnt think much of it but noticed she preferred acting like a teenager so much she would embarass her daughters. I said to her 18? I wouldnt want to be 18 again.
I dont see her anymore as told her she if she wants help to talk to an elder who has been through more of life, and mature in her spiritual walk not me.

This freeloading lady thought acting like a teenager..or 'seenager' i.e senior ager, was highly amusing. Well i can tell you that gets pretty old quick!

When i was a child I spoke like a child...when i became a man (or grown) i put away childish things.

Ok, still dealing with her..I'm sure anybody reading this is weary of this ongoing thing as I am.

She rang wanting a ride to the group meeting. Like the first thing she asked..after the 'hows it going'. I said I may not go plus am taking someone out in the morning. I wont be home to carpool. I hope she got the message that she has to make her own way there and not turn up at my house expecting me to take her.

We chat for a while but she quickly forgot that I had other things on and said 'I will ring you later in the week'. I then had to say, well no I may not go.

It was because she used to be leader of the group and can be quite bossy about getting people to come, I have noticed, even when they have other plans, she said oh just change your plans with the other person..but I'm like NO he would be disappointed. I promised him. arrgh! So self-centred!!! After explaining this to her she then gets it but she seems to have a memory like a fish.

I hate it when group leaders expect you to go all the time when you actually can't make it or decide not to. It would be like church people expecting you to go every single week and then making a big deal of it if you miss a few. Why do they do this?? We all have free will to decide whether to go or not go to things. Plus she has her own car and can drive herself. It would be different if she had no car, but she still wants to carpool even though it would be quicker for her to go straight to the meeting from her place because she doesn't live near me anymore.

Anyway. no carpooling. Lord have mercy.

I have an idea that when the petrol runs out we go back to riding donkeys, one donkey for each person..and no she can't go on mine because my donkey will only carry me.

 

[Shutterbug]

Ok, still dealing with her..I'm sure anybody reading this is weary of this ongoing thing as I am.

She rang wanting a ride to the group meeting. Like the first thing she asked..after the 'hows it going'. I said I may not go plus am taking someone out in the morning. I wont be home to carpool. I hope she got the message that she has to make her own way there and not turn up at my house expecting me to take her.

We chat for a while but she quickly forgot that I had other things on and said 'I will ring you later in the week'. I then had to say, well no I may not go.

It was because she used to be leader of the group and can be quite bossy about getting people to come, I have noticed, even when they have other plans, she said oh just change your plans with the other person..but I'm like NO he would be disappointed. I promised him. arrgh! So self-centred!!! After explaining this to her she then gets it but she seems to have a memory like a fish.

I hate it when group leaders expect you to go all the time when you actually can't make it or decide not to. It would be like church people expecting you to go every single week and then making a big deal of it if you miss a few. Why do they do this?? We all have free will to decide whether to go or not go to things. Plus she has her own car and can drive herself. It would be different if she had no car, but she still wants to carpool even though it would be quicker for her to go straight to the meeting from her place because she doesn't live near me anymore.

Anyway. no carpooling. Lord have mercy.

I have an idea that when the petrol runs out we go back to riding donkeys, one donkey for each person..and no she can't go on mine because my donkey will only carry me.

Arrested development: we all rise to the level of our own incompetence; and, some never get past the age of "me". Eighteen for me was 1974. When men hit their 40s, it's the old dogs still wanting to run with the young pups. Women do it, too. We have more stamina, our bodies don't hurt as much, and we have a certain niaveté about life as our best decades are still ahead of us. Is there any way you can share the car pooling? You drive one week, another drives the next, taking turns, etc?

People come and go in our lives, much as we do in their lives. What defines a good role model is a bit of a judgement call, but it is what the Good Lord expects of us in accordance with his will. Grace. We all need it, and appreciating that is a bonus. You are a better judge of where your friends are spiritually than I am. Returning to our "speck vs log in the eye" topic, can you honestly say your walk with Christ is as good as it gets with nothing further to be gained? Is your character worth emulating? Do others admire your spirit and conduct? Has God placed you in their lives for his glory? I don't say this to be offensive nor should we put ourselves on a pedestal. I have two cats which annoy me to no end on some days, yet they are the only companionship I normally have. I am their whole world as they are dependent on me for food, water, and shelter. My oldest cat always leaves me covered with fur. While holding him, my youngest cat will tap me on the opposite arm wanting attention, too. In the grand scheme of things, minor details. Have a great day, keep a sense of humour, and keep showing others how the Spirit of God has made you a better person for his glory. Cheers.

 

[Lanolin]

We do share carpooling but thats not really the issue, its because she latches on to me when im busy with other things..she has no boundaries like the annoying cat wanting attention, jumping up on the table, when shes not supposed to.

I already have a cat...also she isnt my only friend but when she wants something she cant let well enough alone until she has it. This rubs me the wrong way. I cant fufill all her needs. She is an adult, but still acts like a child.

I know when I used to behave that way when I was younger and thought I didnt need to grow up, but being born again means God helped me to grow and take responsibilty..it seems like she never has.

I had a mother who gave me mixed messages growing up, on one hand she wanted to keep me as a baby and on the other hand she couldnt wait to be rid of me. I think in her case, because she got so much attention being in the hospital due to a car accident when younger she milked it for all its worth. When you are coddled for being infirm all your life its seems like everything is about you. But she wont go to God first, thats the trouble. She will often say I prayed about this or that but only AFTER shes already made up her mind to go her own way.

Its odd and I dont know how to handle it. She wont spend a cent on herself which is weird because that means to her mind she saves money...but it also means she relies on other people to pay for her. I thinking spending anything on herself she cant bring herself to do even when she has the money. She makes it appear that shes poor but shes not!

.

Its kind of weird to feel like you need to disciple someone older than you. Its not like im the most shining example but I do get the sense shes very immature in her faith.

My role model has to be Jesus and yes I do have elders I look to for prayer and advice. I thought she would be going to her pastor or elders in her church for prayer and advice but she seems to dump a lot of burdens on everyone else who dont need it.

The other lady in my group says shes not my responisbility and several say shes a big girl now she can do it and not to worry about it. She once asked me if I would do her washing and meals for her. I couldnt believe it. I dont even have my own kitchen and laundry and im not a meals on wheels volunteer. She thought i had all the time in the world?!

She does have a way of wheedling others to do things.

Im sorry its sounds like am complainig but I should be praying God gives her growth and keeps mending where shes been broken..helps her in those areas of her life and shows her Hes the one strong enough to carry her burden not other people.

 

[Shutterbug]

My cats can be similar in behavour. My oldest would wake me before sunrise looking for attention. The moment my youngest cat realizes I am awake, she climbs onto my chest also looking for attention purring away. Been there many times. Regardless of how much they may annoy me, they are still my Little Buddy and Little Sweetie.

I am sure the Good Lord could mend many problems with the wave of his hand, but he also chooses to work through us as well as for us. Why some situations never seem to improve is beyond me, but we can choose not to play. Therefore, what works for us in one situation can work against in another. In my case, I tend to have the luck of an outhouse rat. And, I don't need help getting into trouble as I can do that very well all by myself.

The first three verses of 1 Tim 5 give a guideline on dealing with elders, both in age and status. When diplomatic measures fail, the alternative is either abandonment or war with neither being a desirable result. As much as you can, treat others with dignity because what goes around may come around, and could be a lot worse. Some times our pride causes us to dig our heels in to remain fast regardless of the cost. It's a good thing when you're in the right, not so much if you're in the wrong.

Don't worry about complaining as I have been yelled at by bigger and meaner people. You won't hurt my feelings. However, I appreciate not wanting to air dirty laundry nor making mountains out of mole hills. I appreciate frustration because of things not working as we feel they should. My pastor has begun a series of sermons dealing with F words: faith, family, frustration, friction, etc. In part due to work, I haven't been able to hear them personally. She emails a copy of her sermon to those unable to attend.

Keep the faith, keep a sense of humour, and enjoy the day. Phil 4:8

 

[Lanolin]

I have to be careful with freeloaders who talk you into things you aren't prepared to do.
A church elder was honest with me and said they were bludgers (this is the kiwi term for them) so I just got to be clear, and If I don't want to take someone somewhere I can just say I've changed plans.

I'm sure so many people have become 'friends' with me because they want a free ride. Tip - if you want lots of friends, buy a car. I'm get the feeling if my car broke down and I couldn't go anywhere some of them wouldn't stick around... I'm the driver and if someone is trying to backseat passenger drive they have enough brains to learn how to drive themselves and save up to buy their own car!

Cats are not really a good analogy because people are not cats. Cats dont have hands that can work.

Anyway...I found this
16. Freeloaders and the Christian Work Ethic (2 Thessalonians 3:6-18)

Esp 2 thessalonians 3:14

 

[Hekuran]

I have to be careful with freeloaders who talk you into things you aren't prepared to do.
A church elder was honest with me and said they were bludgers (this is the kiwi term for them) so I just got to be clear, and If I don't want to take someone somewhere I can just say I've changed plans.

I'm sure so many people have become 'friends' with me because they want a free ride. Tip - if you want lots of friends, buy a car. I'm get the feeling if my car broke down and I couldn't go anywhere some of them wouldn't stick around... I'm the driver and if someone is trying to backseat passenger drive they have enough brains to learn how to drive themselves and save up to buy their own car!

You don't even need to say you've changed plans. If it's not convenient for you and you sense that they are taking advantage of you, say 'that's not convenient for me.' No need to explain, excuse yourself or apologise. Friends will stick by you and the bludgers will fall away.